THE PRINCESS SAVES HERSELF IN THIS ONE
Copyright © 2016 Amanda Lovelace
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Second edition.
ISBN-10: 1532913680
ISBN-13: 978-1532913686
the
princess
saves
herself
in
this
one
for the boy who lived.
thank you for inspiring me to be
the girl who survived.
you may have
a lightning bolt
to show for it
but my body is a
lightning storm.
table of contents
I. the princess . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 - 37
II. the damsel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 - 87
III. the queen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 - 128
IV. you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129 – 153
here lies
the raw,
unpolished,
& mostly
disjointed
pieces of
my soul.
ah, life—
the thing
that happens
to us
while we’re off
somewhere else
blowing on
dandelions
& wishing
ourselves into
the pages of
our favorite
fairy tales.
once upon a time…
I. the princess
the princess i was born
a little bookmad.
i could be found stroking
the spines of my books
while i sat locked alone
inside my tower bedroom.
all the while, i hoped my books
would spill their exquisite words
over the lush green carpet
so i could collect them one by one
& savor them like
berries inside of my mouth.
- forever a collector of words.
when i had
no friends
i reached inside
my beloved
books
& sculpted some
out of
12 pt
times new roman.
- & it was almost good enough.
the queen
my mother
smiled
as she offered
a cube of
sugar
in her
upturned palm.
greedily,
i accepted.
i reached inside
my mouth,
delicately placing one
(just one)
on the center
of my tongue,
& i clamped
down.
salt.
that is what abuse is:
knowing you are
going to get salt
but still hoping for sugar
for nineteen years.
- you may be gone, but i still have a stomachache.
one night,
the princess
i
the princess
i
the princess
i
the princess woke
to feel the bed rocking
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
back & forth
at first,
she thought
a hurricane
must be brewing—
- i can’t. i’m sorry.
you should never love
anything
more than you love
your own children.
you should never love
anyone
more than you love
your own children.
- how could you?
where
do all the
memories go,
the ones we
hide away
with
lock &
key yet
continue
to shape
us all the
s a m e?
- did it really happen if i can’t remember it?
at eleven years old
the doctor weighed me
& afterwards,
my mother told me
i was too fat
& that i needed to
go on a diet
immediately.
for an entire year,
food barely passed
through my lips.
i did not even allow myself
to take a sip of water
because i wanted to be
so thin that i
could blow away
with the slightest breeze—
disappear.
i dropped sixty pounds
in a few short months
& i had to wear long sleeves
to cover up the
“cat scratches.”
- everybody told me how good i looked, though.
“friend request from _________”
a) the girl who said you were ugly.
b) the girl who said your voice was off-key.
c) the girl who refused to defend you.
d) the girl who laughed at you behind your back & to your face.
e) the girl who took your lunch money every day because she said you didn’t need to eat.
f) the girl who said you were “fat” even after you starved yourself half to death.
g) the girl who was supposed to be your best friend.
h) all of the above.
- keep pressing ignore, lovely.
fat
/fat/
adjective
a descriptive word.
it has no deeper meaning.
it should not determine
the worth
(or lack thereof)
of a human being.
- what i know now that i wish i knew then.
sticks & stones
never broke
my bones,
but words
made me
starve myself
until
you could
see all of them.
- skin & bone.
my sister & i
spent our nights
wishing upon
the plastic
glow-in-the-dark
stars
plastered to our
ceiling.
- we made it after all.
there
was never
enough alcohol
to keep my mother warm
in a house
as cold as
t h i s.
- but you kept trying, didn’t you?
there were
once
six five
girls
who
shared
every part
of themselves:
blood
&
secrets
&
lovers
&
even
a diary.
but
a girl
can only
bleed
so much
before sh
e
meets
her demise.
- i’ll see you in california.
how can
someone
be
too young
to be
in love
when we were
crafted
from
ocean waves
& starlight?
- young love.
my first kiss:
tackled,
pinned down,
a mouth
repeating
no no no.
after:
bruises
&
the unmistakable
taste of
blood.
- i will never forgive you.
you have
been the
star
of each
& every
one of
my
nightmares.
- you left but you stayed.
i’m sorry
i wasn’t
the daughter
you had
in mind.
- i only ever wanted to make you proud.
I.
blood
blooming
underneath
the stinging
bite
of steel.
II.
the
once too-tight
jeans
hanging
off
my body.
- two unexpected reliefs of a girl.
it is strange
how
s
i
s
t
e
r
s
can
be
s
a
v
i
o
r
s
or
s
t
r
a
n
g
e
r
s
&
sometimes
a bit of both.
- sisters.
- silence has always been my loudest scream.
birds
can’t
f l y a w a y
when you
clip
one of
their wings.
you
weren’t
satisfied
with just
clipping
one of
my wings.
you tore
both wings
out from
the root
to make sure
i could
n e v e r f l y
anywhere
ever
again.
- mother & daughter.
since
i couldn’t
have
my wings,
i wore
the
fake ones
dipped
in
gold
glitter.
- a wannabe faerie in converse.
there came
a time
when
poetry
showed me
how to
bleed
without
the demand
of blood.
- my most loyal lover.
i used to think
i was broken
because
i never once
spent my
daydreams
plucking
swollen pomegranates
from
someone else’s tree.
- then i learned that society is broken, not me.
watching
the house
that was
my sanctuary
& my hell
go up in
flames
was
bittersweet
but mostly
just
sweet.
- a confession.
if a house
does not
automatically
make a home,
then a body
doesn’t
automatically
make a home
either.
- i’ve always felt like a stranger in my skin.
you may
not have left
(many) bruises
on my skin,
but you left giant
blackberry bruises
all over
my soul.
- i still wonder who i would have been.
the princess
locked herself away
in the highest tower,
hoping a knight
in shining armor
would come to her
rescue.
- i didn’t realize i could be my own knight.
II. the damsel
the damsel
let the dragons
swoop down
& steal her away
from the ugliness
of her world.
unbeknownst to her,
she was only trading
one tower
for another.
- the wickedest liars of all.
i’m not scared
of the monsters
hidden underneath
my bed.
i’m much more scared
of the boys
with messy brown hair,
sleepy eyes,
& mouths
that only know
how to form
half-truths.
- my dragons.
remember when
you told me
you wrote that
beautiful song
for me
& only me—
your
“only one”?
well,
i’m willing
to bet
you don’t
remember
that you had already
showed it to me,
saying it was
for her.
- you were in love with the idea of love, not me.
promises
whispered
in the rain
will be washed
a
w
a
y.
- right down the fucking drain.
i was the one thing
he had to deny—
the beautiful truth
within his
terrible lie.
- who knew such a young heart could shatter?
when
my dragon
with the
green eyes
left,
i
took
a knife
& cut off
all my long,
pretty hair,
taking away
the only thing
he
ever
loved
about
me.
- over before it began.
“i
could
just
eat
you
up.”
- from the insatiable mouth of the big, bad wolf.
he loves me.
he loves me not.
he loves her.
he loves her not.
he loves me.
he loves me not.
he loves her.
he loves her not.
he loves me.
he loves me not.
he loves her.
he loves her not.
he loves me.
he loves me not.
he loves her.
he loves her not.
he loves me.
he loves me not.
- i ran out of petals.
blood
>
runs
wherever
his
fingertips
graze
me.
- my steel & thorns.
for a time,
it seemed to me
that we were
starlight-touched,
failing to
realize that
we were actually
star-crossed.
- the stars were never on our side.
he was made of fire
& i was made of ice.
i came too close to
his flame
& he melted me
with his embers,
reducing me down
to a puddle.
with time,
i froze over again,
but i was never
quite the same—
a fragile, watery imitation
of what once was.
- where was my fear of fire when it came to you?
“i hate you.”
- his version of “i love you.”