Poetry Collection Two:
Cold Dark Difficult Truths
Written and published by Ashley Rebecca Kingston
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic means
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Only exception being, is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
Copyright © 2016 Ashley Rebecca Kingston
Published: July 9th 2016
ISBN: 9781310007354
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favourite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Author’s Note:
The following poems are of my creation. They are my stories, my songs. My life. While a poem may be received and interpreted differently by different people, there are words and themes contained within these lines that some readers may find are not suitable for younger audiences.
It took some courage within myself to put together and let out into the world this particular collection of poems... my stories. Although I am not currently in that place any longer, and there are even some my insides have chosen to forget or even refuse to relate to, they are all still parts of me; but although they are parts of me, they are not all of me.
I hope you can appreciate, or relate, or hate. Please be open to experience everything, the bad and the good.
Contents:
All In My Head - August.12.2005
My Real Rejection Companion - April.30.2004
My Truth - March.01.2003
Lurking - December.22.2005
To Dislike Stupid Is - July.09.2003
In Need But Find - January.21.2011
All On These Small Shoulders - April.03.2004
My Hand Hurts Now - February.08.2004
Under All This - November.07.2004
Alone - October.08.2006
Am I That Wrong - March.28.2003
Misfortunes - August.17.2010
Same Old Tricks - July.01.2004
Another - February.28.2003
I Seen This - January.01.2002
My Luck - August.06.2004
Not Any Further - January.14.2004
rEaLiTy - May.31.2002
So Cold Is The Air Out Here - May.02.2005
Some May Believe - January.28.2005
Strong Battle - January.04.2010
Take Me Or Leave Me As Is - August.19.2011
Whirl Wind In Sight - January.27.2005
Why Keep Pushing - January.20.2007
Blur Of Yellow Lights - January.28.2005
Beast - January.21.2000
Can’t Keep Up - Aug.16.2007
Clear As The Light Of Day - November.01.2012
I Think I Could Have Run - March.01.2004
Wondering On - January.31.2004
No One Knows - September.18.2003
Imagine That Pain - May.15.2007
To Be Given A Chance - January.20.2007
Controls Me - July.24.2011
Not Really Cared For - January.17.2011
To Get What In Return - November.17.2012
Into Who I Am Right Now - October.15.2003
Tip Over Me - December.07.2004
To Feel The Blood - May.30.2004
Too Emotional, Just Like A Little Girl - May.30.2004
Welling Up - November.09.2003
I Find Myself, Here - February.26.2003
Not Strong Enough Right Now - January.10.2004
Pulling To Be Alone - August.17.2010
Is My World - February.20.2013
Missing Something - July.25.2002
The Crazy - February.22.2011
Encompassed - April.30.2007
Lost In - May.27.12
Life In Different Directions - February.18.2004
Torn - October.21.2002
All In My Head
August.12.2005
I can't get it out of my head
an image, an imagined sound
I know nothing of it as reality
I feel nothing but the wind on my skin
Why can I taste blood on my tongue
hear the screams in my ears
feel the heat and fear of death
Why does that effect my mind
I feel sick, all gone in a flash
I don't know if I wish to be
the hunter or the prey
My Real Rejection Companion
April.30.2004
I can't find, anything here that is mine
I can't find anything, that I am looking for
I don't know what it is, that I am needing
I find no help here, only finding myself all alone
There is nothing that I want more, than this darkness
The cold companion, the need for rejection
The one and only, consistent thing left for me
My Truth
March.01.2003
i am afraid to admit
i am out of control
i can't think straight
nothing seems right
but no one tries to stop me
no one can even see me
so why should i bother to care
except for my own demise
Lurking
December.22.2005
lurking... in the darkness i wait
to destroy... the happiness i hate
cry in terror... as i tear you apart
if i can't have, this thing called love
why do others, think it is theirs to posses
To Dislike Stupid Is
July.09.2003
A distant look in my eyes,
I see nothing but darkness.
I went back to that place,
I should have stayed away from.
People are what I dislike,
because they think so differently.
Stupid is, as stupid does.
I am what I do not like,
because I am becoming one of them.
In Need But Find
January.21.2011
I'm trapped.
Darkness is creeping in.
I can feel the cold, grasping at me.
I'm left gasping for air.
Silent screams fill my lungs.
I try to breathe.
Tightness, sickness inside of me.
I question my actions, my existence.
I'm trapped and lost, inside of myself.
I don't know how to get what I want.
To get to where I'm meant to be.
I need others help, but find,
closed doors.
All On These Small Shoulders
April.03.2004
carrying all the heavy weight
of the world
on these small shoulders
of mine
is taking its toll
i can't carry no more
the evil powers of this world
are stronger than i am
i can't just give in
but have no one to take over
no peace do I receive
carrying the weight of the world
on these small shoulders of mine
waiting for the day
when i'll be set free
My Hand Hurts Now
Februa
ry.08.2004
i really want to
just….. die
my hand isn't far enough
into….. the wall
there isn't quite enough
pain……. yet
but if i scream hard enough
someone might hear
someone might just ignore me
some might hear
and stay away eyes closed
so what if it hurts just hurts
just life… loneliness in the pain
Under All This
November.07.2004
under this skin of mine
life collides with… burning fire
water flows up and under… hot lava
there is some life here
but it is trapped
trapped under boiling anger
no one can talk to me
no one can get close to me
i fight too much
i push too hard
no one can get past that
a wall built of stone and metal
i didn't make it this way
i was traumatized
how can things go back now
basically they can't
Alone
October.08.2006
no sleep.
no breath.
no physical touch.
tears, anger.
alone. alone.
it is okay, to be alone.
it has to be.
Am I That Wrong
March.28.2003
why do people
… always
reject me
i feel like it is all
… my fault
why no one ever seems
to like me
or want me to get close
to them
i feel like there is something
wrong with me
with the way
i have made myself
have i gone too far in my emotions
have i gone to the dark side of things
am i just so wrong
that i can not be accepted
please tell me the truth
why i am always rejected
Misfortunes
August.17.2010
don't ever look back
take your breath and run
don't accept a fate put upon
this fragile state of mind
forgiveness is a word unknown
love is a movie story line
taking hold, unable to grow
if only to learn from the past
mistakes remade all over again
please forgive my misfortunes
Same Old Tricks
July.01.2004
i hate so much, the things that i say
when i open up, to another day
i try so hard, trying to just fit in
but end up hurt, like i always am
i gave my heart, and it was torn apart
so i hid away, hoping i'd keep it safe
but i keep on tripping, into those brick walls
i keep on falling, into the same old tricks
Another
February.28.2003
another month
another day.
time just flies
on its merry way.
i hate this place
and everything.
i can't stand people
or anything.
i have nothing
left inside of me.
i have nothing
else to give.
can't anyone see
i've fallen apart.
why no one hears
my screams at night.
when i pull apart
this empty life.
no one ever sees
me bleeding.
not a care in the world
these scars brand me.
another month
the hours and minutes pass.
things seem to be better
but then i wake.
the past is controlling
and i its puppet.
another time
around the bend.
it all just keeps happening
over and over again.
I Seen This
January.01.2002
I can see their mouths… moving, but I can't hear a word they say.
I fear to not be able to communicate, like blood driven into my soul with a sword.
I can see things moving, and dancing in their place around here.
I fear to not see movement, like a letter unsent in the darkness.
I know that I will keep it, in my heart like the sun light.
I know I will go on in the years to come, while sleeping no more at night.
My Luck
August.06.2004
I had to make a decision,
in the middle of all the chaos.
Can't tell anyone,
that I’m forced to live a secret life.
I don't like lying to myself,
but I am an adult,
so I had to make a choice.
I just hope with my luck,
my decisions weren’t incorrect.
I just honestly want to live my own life,
with as many joys as I can.
I am just trying to get by,
with whatever gets thrown in along the way.
Not Any Further
January.14.2004
I can hold
up my head
But it hurts
to walk high
I can't do it
all over again
The pain is too much
for me to bear
I wish
I was good enough
To be great
and so much more
But it takes
too much out of me
To become
someone I am not
But I still try
with all that I have
To be as perfect
as I possibly can
Yet I still get no further
in my life
rEaLiTy
May.31.2002
Question this reality
A reality that might not even be yours
Be you in your own reality
Question what everyone else says
For they are not you
Just be you in your own reality
Reality was set and made long ago
Before you were even here
So how could anyone know what is you
Question the questions in your mind
For there is not just black and white
There is more then what is just in sight
Question this so called reality
A reality that might not even be yours
Be you in your true reality
Question what everyone else says
For you know that they are not you
Just be you in your own reality
So Cold Is The Air Out Here
May.02.2005
the night is so totally dark
no stars in sight
so quiet, not a sound
except the buzzing of the bugs
i stand in my bare feet
so still
i hope the bugs won’t reach,
the sensitivity of my naked feet
before my little time out is done
so dark, it kind of scares me
the air is incredibly cold
it pulls my chest tightly around me
the air almost burns and fights for freedom
my tears silently burning down my cheeks
i don't care, yet i feel
emptiness
i feel so empty
where is god in these times of loneliness
why do i think i need others to feel complete
to find myself
where am i.....
Some May Believe
January.28.2005
No one, could love me, for me.
No one, could want me, for me.
To walk away from love
daring to believe
only see what you want to see
feel things only unheard of
To believe in what they say
would be some untold story
but to live as who you know you are
Is what there is to believe in
Strong Battle
January.04.2010
they can see it on my face
i don't have to speak any words
they can feel it radiating off my skin
that is what scares me, upsets me
that i can be seen, that i cannot hide
i fight so hard, so strong, for so long
why is it i need to be so strong?
so tight, so righteous, so different
i finally realize it's not them, it’s me
this battle, this bloody fucking battle
is internal
i can feel it, life, eating me inside
corrosion
darkness
i don't know what to do
this circle is never ending
never ending pain
a battle to the end
Take Me Or Leave Me As Is
August.19.2011
Don't ask me to change!
Can't you see? That is the highest of insults to me.
Don't be surprised if I shut down if you do,
I'm now too hurt to even think my thoughts through.
I'm sorry, I can't seem to be, who you think you need me to be.
I'm sorry, I choose my own path, I choose not to change just for you.