tomorrow is now
was your ex really worth your time
have you spent enough time with your family
and do you really really love any one
tomorrow is now
have you found out that money is shit
that time never stops
and that love really hurts sometimes
tomorrow is now
now have you learned any thing
that time can be wasted
and you'll never get it back
I Hear Music
August.24.2004
i hear, a cry
it is in the music
tears fill up, my eyes
there is no space, here
sound surrounds the room
fills every little, space
my heart beats, so loud
i hold onto my breath
there is no were, to run away
i hear, a cry
it is from my own, mouth
sound fills, the room up
tears stream, down my face
my fingers, grasp at air
music keeps playing, somewhere
i can only hope that i am here
just somewhere, in a dream
How To Not Be Blind By You
Oct.12.2012
How do I not think about some thing,
not think about some one
and not be all consumed by love.
How do I pull myself away and look at you,
see the real true you
and not feel whole anymore without you around.
How do I close my eyes and not see you,
in my dreams and every waking hour
filled with the possibilities of our life together.
How do I put my pathetic life back together now,
after finding myself alive with you
existing in happiness together with you.
How do I pull myself back into the waking world,
when every image, thought, dream and prayer
is ever surrounding you and us together again.
Pit Of Hell
December.14.2001
When I look down below, I have dark circles beneath my eyes.
Still soft skin with freckles, burns underneath with fire.
The pit of hell has no wrath, more painful than growing old.
No pit of hell, is deeper than this sorrow.
All this sorrow, painfully swims within my stomach.
Burning holes, into my deep dark soul.
Flowing with the stench, of this death.
Like needles striking through, the flesh.
With the stirring of the fire, shadows are cast.
Curtains ruffle, memories don't always last.
Running and whispering, nightmares flash back.
So much passion for life, so much they lack.
Trying to kill, the beauty within this pit of hell.
You Were Always
April.29.2002
You were always, the sweet one to me
Always without that tinge of sourness
You were always, the one to make me smile
No matter how far away we were in miles
But oh, how things can always change
Things can turn around, the other way
Without your kisses my lips feel dirty
My body can yearn for someone unknown
And I could completely, be lost without you
All my feelings turned around the other way
All of my heart, just thrown back at me
Like a slap in the face, you just walk away
When I always thought no matter what, you'd stay
But oh, how things can always change
Shut It
December.04.2001
Snap your legs…… shut.
Shut your…. mouth.
Keep those things…. to yourself.
Watch the insides, fly around.
Keep it all…….. inside.
Watch the waters, flow.
Try not to….. feel.
Try not to, let them know.
Listen to the…… screaming.
Just don't listen…….. shut up.
Snap your legs…… shut.
Shut your… mouth.
Keep those things… to yourself.
White Painting
February.24.2004
a painting on an empty wall
white light filling all the holes
becoming some one else’s soul
some kind of life loves embrace
no words can bring the world inside
or let the light escape
there are no borders but only white
a painting of life spilled across
the doors close and lock in an empty wall
What Do I Do Now
Sept.28.2012
what do i do with myself, with my sanity, my thoughts, my time, my heart.
when i don't have him coming home to me, every night from work.
when i won’t have him to talk with, about stupid things on my mind.
when i don't have him to make laugh, to reach out and touch at my every whim.
when i look for him, he just won’t be there.
thinking of these horrible times to come, i'm finding it difficult to enjoy right now.
i stupidly look for fights where there are none, just to vent my frustration.
everything is stacked against us being together, yet every day that passes i'm falling deeper.
Walking In
September.17.2011
Walking in worlds, unknown.
My feet barely touching, the soil beneath me.
In a group of friends, I stand alone.
This loneliness burns, straight to my fingertips.
Memories rush in and out, behind my closed eyes.
I walk around this place trying, to be me, to be someone else.
I really try to fit in, but without losing myself.
A constant battle to exist, to only exist.
The most difficult thing for me in this world, is living in it.
Sometimes I Think, Of What He Said
November.09.2003
I think of him sometimes,
and what he said.
I think he promised me,
something big.
He promised me, that I'd never be sad.
He said he'd always love me,
no matter what, good or bad.
He told me so tenderly, that he'd go really slow.
If I allowed him to enter me, when taking my soul.
And I really believed him,
because he did wait for me.
Because he always held me tight,
and I loved him with every breath of my life.
But he only waited, until he decided to give up and go.
Then A Pause
November.21.2012
a deep breath……… and then a pause
forgetting what it means to not touch you
no longer engaged in childish games abroad
i think hard on the thought, if i'm the only one alone in this all-consuming, heart stopping, mess
unlike any other experience, i feel blind, overwhelmed, yet clarity is embracing
i have to hold myself, tell myself everything will work out
soon, soon…………… please soon if not today or tomorrow
it has to, it just does
because i wont, can't be, won't be here after, if it does not
not this time, not again…. this time it's real, my path i can see
but i push those thoughts away
and remember his gaze, and those delicate heartfelt whispered words
he really means it, not a fiber of me is in doubt
not about his existence for me, not about my heart for him
a deep breath………………………. and then i pause
i can't forgive this journey wrought with thorns, that have b
een thrust upon us
maybe if i close my eyes real tight, wish upon a star, you will appear,
but then i pause and remember you are still so far away from me here
Waiting For
August.11.2010
I'm waiting, waiting for "something". I hesitatingly proclaimed.
What is it you're really waiting for? She asked me.
I'm waiting to grow up, I still feel like a child, not a “grown-up” all alone in this world...
I'm waiting to be noticed. I say, not looking her directly in the eye.
A white horse? No, keep that to yourself.
Waiting for the one to bring me to life. No, I keep these thoughts to myself, knowing how pathetic they sound.
But honestly I don't care, I can't help if my feelings are only portrayed in movies or that they sound pathetic.
I can't help how I feel, or react, or what I want to be or have.
I am waiting, waiting for what exactly, or who, I cannot name, because I don't know, I only feel it inside.
Seven Days Past
March.01.2010
Seven days past, more than a couple days
If there was no intention or awareness of the silence, let it be known
I was hurt deep to the bone, by the words you choose to use
My own weaknesses, compulsions and fears, thrown back at me like a dagger
With a smile on your face the whole time, you never turned back in hopes of my forgiveness
All I wanted in my blood was to please you, love you, entertain and know you more
All you've done towards me were words of affirmation, dissection and abuse
Yes it is true I kept going back for more, I don't even want to count the years
But now it is more than seven days past, and my memories of love forsake me
Resting Upon
July.15.2004
resting upon the back,
of my heel
ready to fall,
ready to just tumble over
almost completely ready,
for almost anything
the edge is looming,
the wind keeps on howling
i can feel the cold earth,
growling beneath my feet
but i crave the embrace,
of the wind blowing right through me
tumbling in upon itself
i can't keep everything contained anymore
Repeat
August.19.2011
no words to describe,
this life of mine.
trapped, stuck, repeat...
scarred up and damaged, repeat...
clinging onto small happy memories,
onto failed dreams, onto fantastic fantasies.
i cannot believe this is my life,
i feel i cannot claim it, it is not really mine,
but someone else’s i'm watching from a distance.
i am trapped here i cannot escape this,
haunting memories, constantly repeating mistakes.
being mocked for lack of intelligence,
for lack of human emotion in stressful situations.
yet i am exploding inside with emotion,
it's eating me alive from the inside out.
frozen inside with fear of repeating the same mistakes,
yet the story keeps repeating one way or another.
it is just so much to bear,
sometimes, sometimes it is just too much to bear.
Sexual Being Developing
July.19.2003
i stick these things, inside of me
i rape my soul, with emptiness
i fill myself, with nothingness
i remember how it felt
to be truly complete
i'll never have that again
as everyone walks away from me
i push at them as they go
knowing full well i'll always be alone
i let those men do those things to me
i accept that they just leave when they’re done
even though it hurts my insides to let go
i wish i hadn't let go, of my only prize
then i wouldn't have to, feel so empty inside
the pain of being taken, then just left in the dirt
is truly searing, deep in my blood there are scars
i really don't mean to complain
although you might think i am
i just wanted to try and explain
the way i always feel inside
*******
Thank you so much for purchasing and reading my first book. If you enjoyed it, won’t you please take a moment to leave me a review at your favorite retailer?
Thank you!
Ashley Rebecca Kingston
About the author:
Ashley was born during a blizzard in Kingston, Ontario; and grew up in Victoria, BC with her parents and younger sibling.
As an adult she has traveled the world and lived in Vancouver, BC, and Santiago de Cuba, Cuba.
Ashley now makes her home again in Victoria, BC with the amazing Adrien and crazy dog Beyonce.
Home-schooled from the beginning, Ashley still enjoys learning new things, spending her time reading, writing and researching; designing, intellectual conversations and walking down on the breakwater with Adrien and Bey.
Discover other titles by Ashley Rebecca Kingston:
Poetry Collection Two: Cold Dark Difficult Truths
And many more coming soon!
Connect with Me:
Twitter: @ashleyoutlander