Also by Ellen Hopkins
Closer to Nowhere
For older readers
Crank
Burned
Impulse
Glass
Identical
Tricks
Fallout
Perfect
Tilt
Smoke
Traffick
Rumble
The You I’ve Never Known
People Kill People
G. P. Putnam’s Sons
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York
Copyright © 2021 by Ellen Hopkins
Excerpt from Closer to Nowhere © 2020 by Ellen Hopkins
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Ebook ISBN 9780593108659
Cover art copyright 2021 by James Firnhaber
Design by Eileen Savage, adapted for ebook by Michelle Quintero
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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pid_prh_5.8.0_c0_r0
For everyone who has lost someone they love.
I hope you were able to find them again.
If you haven’t, keep looking.
Contents
Cover
Also by Ellen Hopkins
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
My Big Brother
Check It Out
Luckily
See, Will Used to Play Football
I’ll Never Forget It
I Don’t Know
Heavy-Duty Whispering
He Gave Will Drugs
Imagine
I Mean, I Get It
Will Would Understand
Eavesdropping Is Bad
I Wish I’d Fixed That
His Anti-Aggression Pill Wasn’t Working
I Don’t Joke with Will
But Now Nothing’s the Same
Will Has New Friends
It’s Spring Break
This Pause Is Longer
No Time
Pedaling My Bike
Everyone Stares
Bram Snorts
I Might Be Better
I’m So Busy
Bram’s PUs
Yeah, I Get It
Some People
Will Isn’t Here
But I Won’t Bug Anyone
I Sprint
I Reverse a Little
Just Like That
I Call Bram
I’m Still Thinking That Over
By the Time
The Lady
Lily Smiles
No One Says Much
I Don’t Want to Lie
It’s a Duh Question
Like Always
Doesn’t Matter
It’s Hard
Dad Kisses Her
Dad Takes a Deep Breath
It’s Almost Eleven
The Question Floats
Way in Back
I Put the Magazines Away
I’m Slipping Toward Sleep
I Slip Out
Everything Is Not Jake
Despite Tossing and Turning
I’m Not Sure
That Sounds
Late Morning
I’m Halfway
She Wants to Go
Don’t Forget
Saturday Rolls Around
But Nope
And So
He’s Quiet So Long
Mostly Because
We Arrive
Cat Comes to the Plate
They Finally Show
I Pitch
As Everyone Leaves
Cat’s Cool
Cat’s Dad
Too Many Puzzles
What Are the Odds?
Dad Takes Lily Home
Lily Points
Should I Confess
Lily’s a Super Cook
Sunday Morning, I Sleep In
I Give Him the Details
Guess I’m Good With That
It’s Good
Don’t Worry
Okay, It Does Mean
Bram Comes out the Door
She’s Steady
The Bell Rings
After School
I’m the Last Kid
We Head That Direction
Still, There’s Something
I Wait for Will
I Shove a French Fry
We Toss Our Trash
He Looks Down
Fists Raised
You Can’t Turn Off Love
Will and I Don’t Talk Much
I Thought
Back to the Routine
The Research Is Interesting
Last Class
Hearing Her Sing
Will Doesn’t Wait
I’ve Never Had a Friend
Will Pulls Up
Sunday
No Wonder
Batting Practice
No-Brainer
But Bram Says
Her Words Sink In
Home Again
Sure, Rub It In
I Should Go Do My Homework
I Start to Get Up
Will’s Home
His Story
I’m Working
Pawnshops
So Much for My Myth
Hold On
I Don’t Expect
Lake Tahoe
Wait
Suddenly, I Need to Play
Halfway
Okay, So He’s Right
My Head
I’m Mostly Amused
On My Way to Lunch
Cat Sees Me
She Digs
But She Is Nice
We’re Finishing Lunch
I Think I’m Glad
He Does
Will Either Drives
Good Thing
Cautiously
Oh, Man
Fact Check
I Really Want
Later On
I Can Play This
By Friday
Dad Picks Me Up
Desert Sky Retirement Village
I Learn All About Clara
There’s Another Surprise
They’re Tuned In
My Mouth Falls Open
I’ve Lost My Appetite
I Jump In
Will Pretends to Pick
No Way!
Lukewarm
After Dessert
That Makes Me Think
As Soon as the Words
; But It’s the New Will
I Want to Yell
Instead
Problem Is
But Coach Tom
Whoa
Thanks to Will
Mr. Cobb
We Exit
Home Again
Dad Lets Me Choose
I’m Starting to Think
But the Reason
You Can Buy
Which Leads To
It’s Gray Outside
After an Hour or So
I Learned That
That Made Me Sad Then
The Rain Starts to Fall Harder
I Don’t Get Sick
At Home
What Really Worries Me
But Even
The Night Before
To Beat the Heat
Hopefully
Dad Drops Me Off
I Join My Classmates
It’s a Great Day
As We Follow
I Kind of Walk on Air
I Shake My Brother
We Leave the Front Door Open
I Never Thought of That
He Stays With Me
He Could Still Die
Right Before We Ate
Pretty Sure
Mr. Cobb Clears His Throat
Somehow
Will Hangs On
Lily Picks Me Up
Cool
It’s Wednesday
No Clue
This Range Rover
I Always Believed
But That Doesn’t Mean
People Like the Vampire
I Trail Will to His Room
That Will Take Time
Will Goes to His Closet
Dad Comes In
Dad and I
As We Close the Door
It’s Sunday Afternoon
I Take My Schoolbooks
I’m Glad
Mom Isn’t Coming Back
Bottom of the Ninth
Dad Knows
Author’s Note
More from Ellen Hopkins
Acknowledgments
About the Author
My Big Brother
Always
had a
short
fuse
but now
it’s permanently lit.
Okay, it was never
hard to set Will off.
It used to be a game
I played, mostly
just for kicks.
It was funny, watching
the blood throb
in his temples.
But sometimes,
when trouble
was staring at me
and I wanted to aim
it in a different direction,
I’d rile Will up
until he blew.
Then, when Mom
or Dad started griping
about my behavior,
I’d point at my brother,
all red-faced and cussing,
and ask, “What about Will?”
I never thought
I’d get sick
of that question.
Check It Out
It’s been a long time
since I’ve said it straight
to my brother’s face,
but I love him, wicked
bad temper and all.
We used to be best-
friend brothers.
Will’s seventeen, which
makes him five years
older, and I’ve always
looked up to him.
Mostly because
he never looked
down on me.
When I was like
four, and most other
kids still rode tricycles,
Will took the training wheels
off my little blue bike
and taught me to ride it.
You can’t keep up on four
wheels, Trace, he said.
Even on two, it took a while,
but eventually, I did.
At least, I came close.
Will also helped me
learn how to
Rollerblade
skateboard
and, best of all, snowboard.
My first time on the slopes,
I guess I was six.
Mom took Will and me.
Dad stayed home.
I remember he said
he had to work, but later
I found out he’s not
real big on cold weather.
Why do you think we live
in the desert? he asked.
If I wanted to be miserable,
I’d move back to Minnesota.
Sometimes I can’t believe
I’m related to him, even though
I’ve got his curly brown hair
and gold-speckled eyes.
But I loved snow the minute
I saw it, all crisp and sparkly,
like quartz crystals in the sun.
As for the cold, that’s why
they invented jackets.
Luckily
I’m also related to Mom,
who grew up in Colorado,
learned to ski young,
and says snow is cold vanilla
frosting on the mountaintops.
She drove Will and me
all the way from Las Vegas
to Mammoth Mountain,
paid for passes, equipment,
two beginner lessons for me.
Will had been there with her
a few times before, and like
everything sports, he had a real
talent for snowboarding.
He made it look easy.
It wasn’t. I thought it would
be just like skateboarding.
It is, sort of, but it’s different,
too. Just figuring out
the boots and bindings
took a while.
That’s what lessons
are for, Mom said.
When I finished them,
I could pretty much make it
down the easiest runs
without falling.
Will volunteered
to stick with me
and offer a few tips
while Mom skied.
Once he knew
I’d nailed the basics,
he took a few harder runs
on his own.
But he kept checking
in, making sure
I didn’t nose-dive
into a drift or surf
off beginner slopes
into the rough parts.
Will watched out for me.
Now
I have to
watch out for him.
Last Christmas, I asked
Mom if maybe we could spend
a day out on the mountain
before winter was over.
Her eyes went all sad
and her shoulders sagged.
I wish we could.
But what about Will?
See, Will Used to Play Football
He started in Pop Warner
when I still wore diapers,
not that I remember
way back then, but
I heard about it
plenty of times.
It was one of the things
our parents argued about.
Not the diapers.
At least,
I don’t think so.
; But definitely the football.
Mom worried
about injuries.
Dad insisted
they were rare
and every kid
needed a sport.
Mom reminded
him Will bladed
and boarded.
Dad said he meant
team sports.
Mom and Dad argued
a lot before she left.
That time, Dad won.
I wonder if he’s sorry now.
Will played
every game
every season.
He was good.
Quick.
Sure-handed.
Fearless.
A reliable receiver
who could pull double
duty as a defensive end.
That made him a target.
Over the years,
Will took a lot of hits.
Most of them didn’t seem
like much. Still,
A small bump here,
a little bang there.
Those can add up,
his doctor said.
But it was the big one
that knocked him out
of the game forever.
If I could just fix that,
everything would be okay.
But I can’t. It’s unfixable.
I’ll Never Forget It
And neither will anyone else
who was there that night.
It was the last JV game
of the season, and Will wanted
to impress the varsity coaches
who were scouting for talent.
I remember how proud I felt,
watching him in his dark
green-and-gold uniform.
Mom was in the crowded
stands with Dad and me,
which was unusual.
She’d already left us by then.
Maybe not officially,
but she was on the road
singing lead and playing guitar
with her band a lot of the time.
Obviously, she didn’t go
to many games. But that one
was important to Will,
and she happened to be
in town, so she came along.
It was the beginning
of the fourth quarter.
We were ahead, 14–7,
and Will had scored one
of our touchdowns.
So when he got the ball
again on the thirty-yard line,
the other team wasn’t about
to let him run with it.
It was hard to see
what happened.
But even above the cheering,
it was easy to hear.
Hit from the back.
Hit from the front.
Will’s helmet smashed
into a defensive guy’s helmet.
It sounded like a car crash.
As the two crumpled
to the ground, the cheering