Text copyright © 2013 by Francesco Marciuliano.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.
ISBN: 978-1-4521-2969-3
The following images copyright © iStockphoto.com/photographer: bortonia, 2 (bone); luoman, 2 (typewriter); herkisi (frames), 5, 11, 44, 49, 61, 67, 76, 93, 111; dageldog, 13, 40; SuperflyImages, 14; Palto, 16; edurivero, 19; MoniqueRodriguez, 20; chictype, 23; Leontura, 27; SVM, 28; tderden, 31 (dog); broken3, 32; snapphoto, 34; Shershel, 36; robh, 38-39; m.p.imageart, 42; golfladi, 44; membio, 49; EduardoLuzzatti, 50; tomeng, 53; -aniaostudio-, 56; standby, 60; paule858, 62; Jot, 64-65; Wavetop, 67; herreid, 68; hnijjar007, 73; Floortje, 75; Fenne, 76; deviousrlm, 81; craftvision, 82; ProjectB, 84; cillay, 86-87; DebbiSmirnoff, 91; bit245, 92; ruthrose, 97; sentido_fotografia, 99; cmannphoto, 100; Juanmonino, 103; ZoneCreative, 105; oddrose, 106; patty_c, 108; Nadeika, 111. The following images copyright © Shutterstock.com/photographer: Kathie Nichols, 10-11; marekuliasz, 21 (stamp); Jiggo_thekop, 31 (background); Denis Hsn Photography, 47; SeDmi, 55; Cathy Keifer, 89. 5 copyright © Francesco Marciuliano. 6 copyright © Renee Stockdale/Kimball Stock.
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CONTENTS
Introduction
CHAPTER 1: Inside
I Lose My Mind When You Leave the House
I’ve Been Watching
On the TV
Hoarding
Dance of Joy
Going Somewhere?
Subterfuge
Buffet
Nothing Seems to Work
Bored
Where Are You?!?
Holiday Card
Bath
Judgment Call
DOORBELL!
Sympathy
I Dropped a Ball
CHAPTER 2: Outside
Unleashed
Across the Park
Alpha
Purse Dog
Can You Smell That?
Splash
Chasing Cars
Sheepdog
Outside the Store
Little One
Another Bag
Chain Reaction
Next Car Over
King of the Mountain
Look at Me!
CHAPTER 3: By Your Side
Wingman
Time
If You Got Lost
And Then Our Eyes Lock
Lassie
Six Ways
Never Learn
When I See You
Kisses
Sit
Dog Breath
No Longer Together
Lapdog
Special Word
CHAPTER 4: Heavy Thinking
The Naming
The Cone
Ponder
Just a Head’s Up
I Bite
Halloween
The Best Day
Food
Hello
Date Night
Playing
New Career
Chasing the Rabbit
Treat
I Could Chew on This
Acknowledgments
Dedicated in cherished memory to Panda,
the sweetest, most loving,
perhaps poetically gifted
(we like to think)
dog a family could ever have.
INTRODUCTION
Dogs have never been shy about expressing their emotions. When they’re happy, they wag their tails. When they’re nervous, they wag their tails. And when they’re suffering from ennui, they wag their tails—a slow, mournful sway scored to a lone piano—as their soul remains as empty as the food dish they devoured before tearing into a Hefty bag replete with uncertainty and pizza rolls.
But while dogs may wear their hearts on their sleeves (especially when forced to wear a poncho), people have never truly known what goes on in their minds. Until now, that is. Thanks to an unprecedented—and unaccredited—writing program, dogs everywhere are exposing their true inner lives through the power of poetry. From their rich experiences indoors to a wealth of wisdom gathered outside, from their unbreakable bond with their owners to the way their hearts shatter whenever they’re placed inside a purse, these canine verses reveal why dogs keep sniffing, why dogs keep running, and why dogs keep staring at you until you just break down and reveal state secrets you never even knew you knew.
The dogs are trying to reach out to you. They want you to know what they ponder, what they desire, and what you can do with those rain boots you just bought them. So read their poems. See the world as they do. And maybe the next time your furry friend is neck-deep in trash, you’ll gently pet his head and say, “I understand now. I do. But no one has ever found what they were looking for at the bottom of three pounds of partially thawed rolled pizza. Trust me, I know.”
CHAPTER
INSIDE
We were wolves once
Wild and wary
Then we noticed you had sofas
DOG DICTUM
I Lose My Mind
When You Leave the House
The plants are torn
The garbage strewn
The wires chewed
The couch and I had a fight
Your bed is soaked
Your liquor spilled
Your TV smashed
Your laptop no longer has any vowels
There’s a Kindle in the toaster
There’s a toaster in the toilet
There’s a toilet in the hallway
There’s underwear in my mouth
I went places I should never go
I saw a side of myself I should never see
I said things to the cat I can never take back
So please don’t ever leave again
I’ve Been Watching
Maybe you should shift to your left
Maybe you should move your knee
Maybe you should go a little slower
Maybe you should stay there a little longer
Maybe you should try talking this once
Maybe you should never say that again
Maybe you should play dress-up
Maybe you don’t know how to act like a pirate
Maybe you don’t want my advice
Maybe this is not the time or place
But I’ve been watching you two every night
For the past six years
So maybe I know a little something
about making love.
On the TV
Whenever I hear
A dog bark on the TV
I bark and bark and bark
But the dog on the TV
Never barks back
Probably because a lot of celebrities
Are really stuck up
Hoarding
Ooo! A remote! I’ll take it!
Ooo! A sponge! I’ll take it!
Ooo! A shirt! I’ll take it!
Ooo! A plastic bottle! I’ll take it!
Ooo! A USB drive! I’ll take it!
Ooo! Carpet padding! I’ll take some!
Ooo! Underpants! They’re in my mouth now!
Ooo! A . . . thing! That’s going under the bed!
You may think this hoarding is a problem
You may think that I need some help
But I prefer to see it as
a very gradual robbery
So hand over your left slipper
Dance of Joy
This is the dance I do for you, do f
or you
This is the dance I do for you
As you get my can of food
This is the twirl I do for you, do for you
This is the twirl I do for you
As you open my can of food
This is the leap I do for you, do for you
This is the eight-foot vertical leap
I do for you
As you stop serving my food to answer
the phone
This is me running in a sheer panic,
wild panic
This is me running in desperate,
gasping, blind panic
As you continue to talk on the phone
THIS IS ME LOSING MY [censored] MIND
MY [censored] BRAINS, MY [censored] COOL
THIS IS ME WONDERING WHAT THE [censored]
COULD BE SO [censored] IMPORTANT
THAT YOU’RE STILL ON THE [censored] PHONE
This is me realizing I was howling out loud,
really loud
And that perhaps I overreacted
just a little
And so this is me eating the food
you give to me, always give to me
Going Somewhere?
I know this routine
The gathered clothes
The miniature toiletries
The bag with wheels, handle, and zipper
I know what happens next
The short trip
The long trip
The time away from me
I know there’s nothing left but
The farewell licking
The final whining
The last minute burying of all your ID
Like I said, I know this routine
And this time Delta’s leaving without you
Subterfuge
A nudge of nose
A slight of hand
And within a moment it is done
I appear by your side
Right there for the drop
And another mission is complete
As spies in the night
As agents in the field
And as couriers we must not be caught
Then something goes wrong
Then I hawk up a bone
Then twelve pieces of meat
And then that napkin I ate without thinking
A resource is lost
A network undone
And alas, there will be no more table scraps
tonight
Buffet
Okay
All right
Hold on
Just another second
There
I’ve successfully digested
A dirty diaper
Really, the things you people throw out
In a garbage pail at nose level
But hey
I’m always up for a challenge
Nothing Seems to Work
I use my teeth
I try my paw
I whine a lot
I walk in circles
But nothing seems to work
Then, with a twist of your wrist
You turn the doorknob
And that’s when I finally realize
You’re a wizard
Bored
I get so bored
So very bored
Being all alone
Stuck inside this house
House
House
House
House
House
Which explains why
I shoved my head inside this jar
And everything has an echo
Now does anyone have any Vaseline?
Where Are You?!?
I was so worried
I was so scared
I thought that I had lost you
And the life that we both shared
I searched through the entire house
From the basement to the attic
The living, dining, and bedrooms
Even the trash cans, because I was frantic
Up and down the staircase
Back and forth across the halls
In and out through every door
Louder and louder were my calls
I had given up every hope
I had given in to despair
I had given the bad news to the pet cat
Who gave me a look before re-licking her hair
But just when all seemed lost, I found you
And it gave my heart a rush
To see you sitting—startled, but alive and well
So if you don’t mind,
I’ll just stay here until you flush
Holiday Card
Two little sweaters
Two big smiles
Two happy pets
Together
Too cute
Then the photo is taken
The cat swipes at my face
And we mail out our annual lie
of family bliss
Bath
Bath!
I’m taking a bath!
Hey! I’m taking a bath!
I’m taking a soapy
Sudsy
Oh so foamy
Big ol’ bath!
Just thought you should know
That I’m taking a bath!
Now I’m going to shake
Now that feels so good
Now if you’ll excuse me
I really should run back upstairs
To finish my bath
Bath!
Judgment Call
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know where to go
I don’t want to be wrong
I just want to be good
But I know they are waiting
And I want to succeed
So I pick a spot on the newspaper
Only to pee on the arts section
And now everyone thinks I’m a philistine
DOORBELL!
THAT WAS THE DOORBELL!
SOMEONE RANG THE DOORBELL!
SOMEONE’S AT THE DOOR!
I CAN HEAR THEM AT THE DOOR!
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHO’S AT THE DOOR!
OH PLEASE LET ME SEE WHO’S AT THE DOOR!
WHY ARE YOU TAKING ME
AWAY FROM THE DOOR?!
WHY AM I BEING PUT IN THIS ROOM
AWAY FROM THE DOOR?!
OH, MAGICAL, MYSTERIOUS PERSON
WHO RINGS OUR DOORBELL!
ONE DAY WE SHALL MEET!
Sympathy
I’m not expecting
Any sympathy
I’m not asking
For any pity
I’m not seeking
Any condolences
I’m not hoping
For any sorrow
But that giant roast
You were going to have for your party
Before I just ate it
Still isn’t sitting right in my belly
So maybe I am expecting
A small sense of gratitude
For saving you from this pain
I Dropped a Ball
I dropped a ball in your lap
It’s time to play
I just put a ball in your lap
So it’s time to play
See that ball I placed in your lap?
That means it’s time to play
You can have your emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball in your lap
And now it’s time to play
CHAPTER
OUTSIDE
Best not to ask
“What is it?”
Until you finish
Rolling in it
DOG MANTRA
Unleashed
I’m free!
I’m free!
I’m free!
I’m free!
I’m free!
I’m free!
I’m lost.
Across the Park
I ran all the way across the park
I ran as fast as I could
I ran right into bird poop
Which is in no way as good as dog poop
And I looked and looked and looked for it
I started doubting my abilities
I started questioning my sanity
I started seeing if the bird poop tasted any good
I even thought a squirrel must have taken it
Which is why I chased them all for half an hour
And then I came all the way back across the park
Panting and wheezing and pelted with nuts
Only to find you PRETENDED to throw the ball?!
Alpha
Scruffles is our leader
Scruffles is our king
Scruffles is the captain of our pack
Scruffles’ praises we each sing
Scruffles is who we always follow
Scruffles shows us all the way
Scruffles led us to an abandoned factory
In the middle of freaking nowhere
And not even a fun abandoned factory
But one that made belt buckles
Now Scruffles is why we’re all thinking
We really need some sort of voting process
Or at least a system of checks and balances
Purse Dog
Just because
I’m carried around in a purse
High above the dirty ground
Does not mean
I’m less of a pet
Less of a dog
Less of a true canine
It just means
I think I can fly
And that I know
What lipstick and loose change taste like
Can You Smell That?
I smell the air
I smell the dew
I smell that rock
I smell your shoe
I smell the leaves
I smell a slug
I smell the dirt
I inhale a bug
I smell the grass