J. Richard Singleton
Copyright 2002
FADE IN:
EXT. A LOS ANGELES SIDESTREET - DAY
Two teens, SETH ANDERSON and RUSS MOORE, are standing at
opposite ends of the street. LOWRIDER BIKES leaning against
them, they’re wearing ridiculous make-shift “armor”-they’ve
strapped and duct-taped PIE TINS and metal GARBAGE
CANS to their torsos. They have METAL BUCKETS over their
heads and are holding MOPS at their sides.
SETH
(to Russ)
BUCKETHEAD! Thou art a villain!
RUSS
(to Seth)
Thou dareth call me a villain, Sir
Sticksalot?
SETH
Yes, I dareth. Thou are a most unsavory
naïve and a liar and an unworthy receiver
of camaraderie!
RUSS
Thou calleth me a liar?
SETH
Yes I doth.
RUSS
I do not but speaketh the truth--to bring
forth the truth to yond blind eyes. I hath
did this now, and always have--em--eth.
SETH
Don’t thou peeth on my leg and tellth me
it’s rain.
RUSS
I peeth not!
SETH
“Peeth not,” you say?
RUSS
That’s what I saideth!
SETH
Then defend doth!
He gets on his low rider, kicks off and starts riding with
the mop outwards like a lance. Russ does the same.
WIDE OUT
The two are heading for a collision course with each
other--they are jousting(!) The two strike each other,
sending them both to the pavement. They get up. Seth
strikes Russ’ armor. Russ returns the blow. Seth sweeps him
with the “staff,” sending him to the floor once again. He
begins hitting him on the pail with the staff. After
several moments, Russ begins shaking his arms and Seth
stops striking him.
RUSS
(pleading)
Okay! Stop, stop! Lysandra’s not a skank.
SETH
That’s right.
RUSS
Right.
There’s a moment of silence.
SETH
Let’s go get some tacos then.
EXT. TACO BELL DRIVE THRU - DAY
Seth and Russ pull up to the Taco Bell ORDER BOX in Seth’s
dilapidated CAR. Seth stares at the MENU in mock
contemplation.
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com)
Hello and welcome to Taco Bell, how may I
serve you?
SETH
(into com)
Huh? What did you say? “How may I service
you?”
Seth and Russ giggle idiotically.
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com)
Yeah, how may I serve you?
SETH
(into com)
Hey, look, buddy, I just came here for some
chalupas, not for some freaky male hooker
sex stuff. Now maybe if there’s a chick
somewhere in there...
The two breakout laughing. For a moment, the Tacobell Guy
doesn’t get what the hell they’re laughing about.
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com, pissed)
Look, if you want something, order now or
go jogoff!
SETH
(into com)
“Jogoff”? Heh relax, fella, don’t get your
hairnet in a knot. I’ll have 20 tacos--five
hard, twelve soft, surprise me with the
last three. Three Nachos Bell Grandes,
eight chalupas, twelve bean burritos and a
small Diet Pepsi, heavy ice.
RUSS
Ha. "Hard."
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com)
That’s not a real order!
SETH
(into com)
Yeah, sure it is. Do you think I’d come
to a fine eatery establishment such as
this--I had to choose between this and
Spago and I chose this, I tell you what--just
to place a fake order and drive off
laughing? Now here’s what you do: Get making
that order right now so when we drive up,
we’ll be good and ready to pay and go.
More laughing.
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com)
You goddamn sonsofbitches!
The two laugh hysterically and speed up, around the drive
thru. When they get around it, they see there is a long
line to the pickup window. Standing outside of the pickup
window is a LARGE TACOBELL EMPLOYEE holding and patting a
BASEBALL BAT, waiting.
RUSS
Damn.
SETH
Okay, we’ll just back out.
He shifts the car into reverse and drives back around the
corner but then quickly slams on the brakes. They get as
far as the order box. There is a car pulling into the
driveway-- they are blocked in. The Radioguy is LAUGHING
manically in his squeaky teenage voice.
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com)
Forty tacos you say?
SETH
(into com)
No, dude. Twenty.
TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)
(over com)
I think it’s forty now.
Shrill LAUGHING, this time from the order box. Seth and
Russ are screwed.
EXT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE - EVENING
It’s a large, upscale suburban home. Seth pulls up to the
corner and gets out. Clothes and other personal belongings
are falling from the sky. Seth looks up in confusion. The
pretty hot LYSANDRA, draped in a robe and hair all messed
up, is throwing stuff from a second-story balcony. She goes
back into her room. He looks up.
SETH
Lysandra, what are you doing?
She again appears on the balcony.
LYSANDRA
I don’t believe you--I just don’t believe
you!!!
She throws a CD PLAYER to the ground; it lands at his feet.
SETH
What? C’mon, I brought you tacos.
She goes back inside.
SETH (CONT’D)
What’s the problem? You're acting like a
black woman in a movie written by a black
woman--or Tyler Perry!
She comes out again, this time tossing some COMIC BOOKS
down atop him.
LYSANDRA
What’s the problem? What’s the problem? The
problem is 10 years we’ve been going
together and do you have any dreams? Do you
have any aspirations? No!
SETH
Yeah, but nothing’s wrong,
is it?
LYSANDRA
That’s it--that’s what’s wrong: Nothing!
You’re The Nothing!
POV - LYSANDRA
She’s looking down on him.
LYSANDRA (O.S.)
Here’s your copy of the Kama Sutra!
A thin BOOK falls from the sky to the ground. Seth bends
down to pick it up.
SETH
But didn’t this supply us with hours upon
hours of aerobic-rotic fun?
LYSANDRA (O.S.)
Here’s your crappy VH1 “Making Of...”
video.
The VIDEO falls to the ground at Seth’s feet. He picks it
up and holds it skyward, to Lysandra.
SETH
Hey, this isn’t crappy! It’s Britney
Spears! Back when it was all about the
music--and back when VHS was a viable
media! Shows what you know! Now get down
here, and we can talk more about your
feelings on VHS and the works of Britney
Spears!
A 13” TV SET lands on his head. Seth manages to half catch
it, but a good amount of force is still there, knocking him
to the ground, legs spread out like a dead man’s.
LYSANDRA (O.S.)
Here’s your television.
After a moment...
SETH (O.S.)
Ow. My tacos.
INT. A DENNY’S - EVENING
Seth and Russ are at the counter. Russ is SLURPING a
MILKSHAKE. Seth is bemoanfully staring at his forehead with
the shiny side of a NAPKIN HOLDER.
SETH (CONT’D)
Jesus, this is awful! I’m going to have
“RCA” across my forehead for the rest of my
life!
Russ stops drinking for a moment to look at Seth’s forehead.
RUSS
Oh, no, no you won’t. You’ll have A-C-R.
He continues to drink.
SETH
Oh, man, “acre”! That’s worse. At least
“RCA” makes sense! (beat) Somewhat.
Russ stops drinking.
RUSS
Look, dude, you had it coming. I told you
time after time: Lysandra’s a ho.
SETH
No, don’t call her a ho...
RUSS
Why not? She is a ho. Her favorite
gardening instrument is also the ho.
Around Christmastime, all she says is "ho
ho ho." That's all I got now--but my
general observation is that she tried to
kill you with a television, man!
SETH
I did wish it had been a flatscreen.
RUSS
You should've spent the extra 50 bucks.
But my point is, she's a ho, and I calls
it like I sees it.
SETH
What about when we get back together?
RUSS
Not going to get back together.
SETH
What about last May?
RUSS
Last May was last May. You’re a senior now.
A senior in high school. Every relationship
you have at this point you’ll have for the
rest of your life.
SETH
Oh, that’s not true, what about all those
people you meet in college-
RUSS
(interrupting)
No, sorry, that’s it, the end. You and I,
we'll be friends for the rest of our
lives--nothing to be done about it--
because we were friends in high school.
There’s a moment of reflection as Russ continues to SLURP
his milkshake.
SETH
Well, that kinda sucks.
RUSS
Yeah, well, you’re going to die lonely;
what can you do about it?
Russ gets up and stretches. Seth sits looking pitiful.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Oh, buck up--say, wanna pretend we’re blind
and go get some textbooks recorded for us
on tape?
SETH
Maybe tomorrow.
RUSS
You see, there’s the spirit, always
looking towards the future. You helped me
through my...(beat)...problem...
FLASHBACK
INT. RUSS’ HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT. A FEW MONTHS AGO
ANNA BLACKOVONSKY, a pretty Russian-American girl, Seth,
STONERS JEFF and STEVE have gathered around Russ. It’s an
intervention.
SETH
Russ, you’ve got to quit, think about your
family!
RUSS
(defensively)
You don’t know me! Where were you when I
started? With Lysandra--that’s who!
Anna breaks out in tears. Seth cradles her in his shoulder.
SETH
You see what you’re doing to Anna?
CLOSE SHOT - RUSS’ FEET
We see his feet for the first time. He’s wearing HIGH HEELS.
RUSS (O.S.)
I can stop wearing women’s pumps anytime I
want!
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
RUSS (CONT’D)
Now it’s my turn to return the favor. Tell
you what, tonight we go clubbing.
SETH
Oh, I don’t know.
RUSS
(interrupting)
C’mon! Remember the last time we got
together in a club, the fun we had?
FLASHBACK
INT. CLUB. MEN’S RESTROOM - NIGHT. A FEW MONTHS AGO
Loud TECHNO MUSIC if playing in the background. Seth is
washing his hands. Russ ENTERS.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Seth, hey!
Seth sees him. They greet each other.
SETH
Russ! What a coincidence.
RUSS
You know me: I like the night life, I like
to boogie. You came with Lysandra?
SETH
Yeah.
RUSS
Righteous, righteous.
SETH
Who’d you come with?
RUSS
Me and Anna came--wait. I have an idea.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two TABLETS. He
holds them up excitedly.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Look at what I got, man: Dissolvable extra-
strength tranquilizers! They’re legal, and
they work like Ruffies!
SETH
(shaking his head)
That’s messed up, dude, don't-
RUSS
(interrupting)
No! This is what we do: You slip one in
Lysandra’s drink, I’ll slip one in Anna’s.
(beat) This’ll be great!
INT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE. LYSANDRA’S BEDROOM - MORNING
CLOSE SHOT - LYSANDRA
Lysandra’s under the COVERS, asleep. A feminine hand enters
the shot, lightly touching her shoulder.
WIDE OUT
Stripped to her UNDERWEAR, Anna’s covered to her waist,
beside Lysandra. Her hand. Curious and still half-asleep,
it explores up her arm, finally resting on her face.
breast. Anna’s hand pets Lysandra’s face again. Eyes
shooting open, they both wake up and release each other.
ANNA
Oh shit--what did I drink last night?
Damnit--I'm Russian; it could've been
anything!
Lysandra rolls out of bed. She’s also just in her UNDERWEAR. She takes some of her CLOTHES off the floor--they’re scattered in a haphazard way--and begins to dress.
ANNA (CONT’D)
Let’s never speak of this again.
Lysandra stops dressing for a moment.
LYSANDRA
How was I?
We PAN OVER to the redlight of a WEBCAM.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Seth and Russ are watching all this on a BIG-SCREEN
TELEVISION. They’re laughing their asses off and eating POPCORN.
RUSS
Now they think they're lesbians!
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
SETH
(nodding)
Yeah. That was fun. But-
RUSS
(interrupting)
No more arguments! Tonight I’ll club your
brains out!
EXT. “THE LOVE VAN” - EVENING
CLOSE-UP - THE LOVE VAN’S REAR BUMPER
The California VANITY PLATE reads “LOVEVAN.” BLINK-182’S
“WHAT’S MY AGE AGAIN?” is booming in the background.
WIDE OUT
It cruises along the freeway with Russ driving and Seth
riding shotgun. It’s not much of a cool ride at all; it’s a
minivan. In fact, it’s a red Ford Aerostar.
INT. THE LOVE VAN - EVENING
Russ is shaking his head to the song playing over the