playing Freeze Tag, but one of them got hurt
when someone shoved him from behind.
26
So now we’re not allowed to touch each other or
even run. Today people were playing “Air Tag”
and getting around by speed-walking, but it
wasn’t really the same.
got
you!
nuh-uh!
nuh-uh!
shuffle
shuffle
scoot
scoot
If you ask me, I think people are getting too
carried away with all this safety stuff. I went to
Manny’s peewee soccer game, and all the kids had
to wear bicycle helmets.
doink
bonk
The only good thing about the playground
equipment being gone is that now I actually have
a chance to start doing well in school.
27
I’m one of those people who has a hard time
focusing when the teacher is talking, and when
another class is having recess right outside the
window, it’s practically impossible to pay attention.
Wednesday
OK, I take back what I said about being glad
the playground equipment is gone. Now the kids
at recess don’t have anything to do, so they just
stare in through the windows. And that’s seriously
distracting when you’re trying to take a test.
28
It doesn’t help that I’m not exactly the fastest
test-taker. In third grade I had a teacher
named Mrs. Sinclair who taught us all these great
tricks for remembering multiplication facts. But
they seriously slow me down.
eight times four is thirty-two,
thirty-two, thirty-two!
eight times four is thirty-two,
and now you know it’s true!
(to the tune
of “mary had a
little lamb”)
Earlier this year we had a math teacher named Mr.
Sparks who used to stand on his chair every time
he wanted us to remember something important.
29
But once when Mr. Sparks was trying to get us
to remember a math concept, one of the legs on
his chair broke and he fell.
yaargh!
snap
Mr. Sparks broke his collarbone, and I heard he’s
suing the school over it. I don’t remember the
concept he was trying to teach us that day, but I
do always remember never to stand on the furniture.
During recess today everyone was just waiting
to go back inside, but then Rowley got up and
started skipping around the playground.
30
skip
skip
A few people started cheering and clapping.
They must’ve thought Rowley was protesting all
the new rules by skipping instead of running, but
the truth is, skipping is just something Rowley
likes to do.
For some reason it really gets on my nerves when
Rowley skips, so it bugged me to see him prancing
around the playground like that. Skipping is
actually a real sore subject between the two of us.
Rowley says I’m jealous of him because I don’t
know how to skip, but I think it just looks stupid.
31
I will admit that I never exactly got the hang
of skipping. In fact, I was the only kid in first
grade who couldn’t do it.
that’s
galloping!
I was afraid I’d be held back until I learned how
to skip, but luckily they let me move on to second
grade. Still, I’m worried it’s gonna come back to
haunt me later on.
greg heffley will not be
receiving his diploma due
to an inability to skip.
Sometimes I wonder how me and Rowley ended
up being friends in the first place, since we’re so
different. But at this point I figure we’re stuck
with each other, so I just try to overlook the
things he does that annoy me.
Thursday
The thing that stinks about having Santa’s
Scout watching my every move at home is that
I can’t get away with the things I used to do
during the holidays.
A few years ago Mom and Dad put some gifts
under the tree a week before Christmas, and it
was driving me crazy not knowing what they were.
shake
shake
33
One of the gifts had my name on it, and I was
pretty sure it was a video game. I made a tiny
little tear in the wrapping paper to see, and sure
enough, it was a game I’d asked for.
But then it was bugging me that a game I
wanted was sitting right there under the tree
and I couldn’t play it. So I went one step
further and made a slit along the top of the
packaging and slid the box out.
slice
I opened the plastic case and removed the game,
then put the box back in the wrapping paper and
taped it closed.
But I started to get paranoid that Mom was
gonna pick up the present and notice it felt
lighter, so I opened it back up and put one of
Rodrick’s heavy metal CDs inside the box to make
it the same weight it was before.
34
I played the video game every night after Mom
and Dad went to bed, and I actually beat it.
But I forgot to put it back in the box, and on
Christmas, when I opened my present in front of
Mom and Dad, Rodrick’s CD slipped out and rolled
onto the floor.
doink
35
The day after Christmas, Mom took the CD to
the Game Hut and chewed the clerk out for selling
her material that was “inappropriate” for kids.
I just don’t like not knowing what I’m getting
for Christmas, and sometimes I can’t help myself.
Last year I went on Mom’s e-mail account and
wrote to all our relatives to see if I could find out
what they were getting me.
TO: Gammie, Uncle Joe, Uncle Charlie,
Gramma, Grandpa, Uncle Gray, Joanne,
Leslie, Byron, 23 more
SUBJECT: Gifts
Hey, everyone-
Let me know what you’re buying for
Greg this year, so we can coordinate.
Thanks, Susan
But Mom keeps her e-mail on the computer in the
kitchen, and it’s hard to get onto her account
when Santa’s Scout is watching me like a hawk.
Tonight I spent some time trying to decide what
to put on my Christmas wish list this year. I try
to be as specific as possible when I make my list,
because whenever I leave my gifts up to Mom and
Dad, I get some crazy stuff.
A few years ago I forgot to write out a wish
list, and I paid the price for it. Mom was
pregnant with Manny, and she wanted me to get
ready for having a baby brother.
37
So for Christmas, Mom got me a DOLL.
Baby
Alfrendo
REALISTIC DOLL FOR BOYS
HE
CRIES!
HE
EATS!
HE
WETS!
ENCOURAGES
RESPONSIBILITY!
NOW GROWS HAIR!
At first I didn’t want anything to do with it.
38
Then I realized having a doll you could FEED
came in handy. In fact, I don’t think a
vegetable touched my lips for a month after I
got Alfrendo.
here comes
the airplane,
alfrendo!
open wide!
But that wasn’t the only thing I used that doll
for. I found out that he made a really excellent
comic book stand, too.
I have to admit, after a few months I got
really attached to that doll.
39
Since I didn’t have a pet, it was kind of nice to
have something to take care of for once.
does alfrendo
look handsome in
his big-boy shoes?
oh, yes he does!
But one day I came home from school and I
couldn’t find Alfrendo ANYWHERE. I searched
the house from top to bottom, but there was no
trace of him.
The only thing I could think of was that I
dropped Alfrendo at some point and somehow
didn’t notice.
bump
40
I was pretty torn up about losing my doll, but
what I was REALLY worried about was Mom
thinking I couldn’t be trusted around my new
baby brother. So I got a grapefruit out of the
fridge and drew a face on it with a marker.
Then I wrapped the grapefruit in a dish towel,
and for the next three months I pretended it
was my doll.
rockabye
baby on the
treetop…
41
Mom and Dad didn’t seem to notice. But I was
terrified by the idea that the REAL Alfrendo
was gonna find his way back home and get his
revenge on me for abandoning him and replacing
him with a fruit.
scratch
scratch
In fact, I still worry about that to this day.
It’s the reason I always check to make sure my
window is locked before I go to bed at night.
I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but I
actually got attached to that GRAPEFRUIT,
too. But after a while it started to rot, and Dad
traced the weird smell back to my Alfrendo decoy.
42
Mom didn’t seem too upset that I’d lost my doll,
but I will say she’s never left me alone in the
house with Manny for more than fifteen minutes.
Like I said, though, it was nice to have
something to take care of, and I missed that
feeling. So these days I’ve been spending a lot of
time playing this game called Net Kritterz.
Net Kritterz
LOGIN:
43
In fact, I’ve been playing Net Kritterz every
free second I get. The basic idea is that you have
to feed your pet and keep it happy. And if your
pet is happy, you get tokens so you can buy it
clothes and furniture and stuff like that.
I’ve played so much that my pet Chihuahua has
a mansion with an indoor swimming pool, a bowling
alley, and about 150 different outfits.
The only thing I’m not happy about is his
name. Mom’s the one who set up my account,
and I can’t figure out how to change the name
she registered with.
gregory’s little
friend
44
Mom says I take better care of my virtual pet
than I do myself, and I guess I can’t
argue with her there. Over the weekend I played
for sixteen hours without even taking a break to
go to the bathroom.
But if you don’t keep getting your pet new
stuff, it starts to look unhappy, and that really
stresses me out.
mood meter
gregory’s
little
friend is
feeling:
queasy
45
The problem is you can only earn a certain number
of tokens, and after that you have to buy them
with real money. Unfortunately, I don’t have my
own credit card, so that means I have to beg
Mom and Dad to use theirs.
And it’s not real easy to convince Dad to break
open his wallet so you can buy a fancy outfit for
your virtual pet.
mood meter
gregory’s
little
friend is
feeling:
snazzy
This year I’m gonna ask for a bunch of Kritterz
Kash for Christmas. But I’m still trying to figure
out what to put on the rest of my wish list.
I could actually use a lot of different things,
because a couple weeks ago when I spent the
night at the hospital getting my tonsils out,
Manny sold half of everything I owned.
46
But I’m not so sure I should ask for a normal
gift like a video game or a toy this year. What
I’ve realized is that every time you get something
cool for your birthday or for Christmas, within a
week it’s being used against you.
we’ll be taking
this away until
your english
grade improves!
47
One thing I know for sure is that this year
I’m only accepting store-bought presents. Last
Christmas, Mom gave me a really nice hand-knit
blanket, and I had that thing wrapped around
me for half the winter.
COMIX
But I found a picture of the same blanket on Great
Uncle Bruce, who passed away a few years ago, so I
pawned it off on Rodrick for his birthday.
GET
WELL
SOON
48
Sunday
I was gonna play Net Kritterz all weekend,
but yesterday Mom said the amount of time I’m
spending playing that game is “unhealthy” and
that I had to interact with a “real live person.”
So I called up Rowley and asked him to come
over, even though I was still a little bothered by
the whole skipping thing.
When Rowley got to my house, we sat down in
front of the TV to play video games, but Mom
said we had to shut off the machine and interact
“face-to-face.”
But one of the things that makes my friendship
with Rowley work is that he doesn’t MIND
watching me play video games.
49
Plus, the reason our ancestors invented technology
in the first place was so they didn’t HAVE to
interact with one another.
Mom sent me and Rowley down to the basement,
and the two of us tried to figure out what to do.
I’d asked Rowley to bring some DVDs with him so
we could stay up late watching movies.
But he only brought HOME movies, and you
couldn’t PAY me to watch THOSE.
Rowley’s
5th Grade
Play
Trip
Rowley’s
Birth
Mom brought us down some “Wacky Sentences”
books, where you fill in the blanks to create
funny phrases.
50
For the first round, Rowley came up with the
words and I wrote them down in the blanks. The
phrases we made were actually pretty funny, but
what wasn’t funny was Rowley’s new habit of
saying “lol” instead of laughing.
our cafeteria has
really smelly food.
the pizza is purple
and the french fries
are slimy.
lol.
lol.
lol.
It was really driving me crazy. So we switched
roles, and I came up with the words instead. Rowley
started by asking me for the name of a sport, so I
said “volleyball.” But he told me it’s “bolleyball,” with
a “b.” So then we got into this huge argument about
what letter “volleyball” starts with.
51
I found a dictionary and handed it to Rowley
and told him to look it up himself. But instead
of flipping to the letter “v,” Rowley read every
single word in the “b” section. And when he
couldn’t find “bolleyball,” he started over from
the beginning.
bacon…
bacteria…
badger…
Rowley accused me of having an outdated dictionary
and said that’s why “bolleyball” wasn’t in it, so
then we got into an argument about what year
volleyball was invented.
By this point Rowley was really getting on my
nerves, and I realized we’d better change gears
or we were gonna end up in a fight, as usual.
52
I told Rowley maybe we should do something
different, and he said he wanted to play Hide-
and-Seek. But the problem with playing Hide-and-
Seek with Rowley is he thinks that when he can’t
see you, you can’t see him. So that makes him
really easy to find.
I decided we just needed a break from each
other, so I came up with an idea. I told Rowley
we were gonna see who was braver, me or him, and