The people behind us were getting frustrated we
weren’t moving, but WE were being held up by the
guy in front of us. He had to remove everything
he had on that was metal, and it was taking him
FOREVER.
Rodrick told me these machines can see through
your CLOTHES, and then someone checks a
screen to make sure you’re not trying to sneak
by with anything dangerous. All I can say is I
wouldn’t wanna be the person with THAT job.
It turns out the X-ray machine that sees
through your clothes is only for grown-ups, and
kids go through a metal detector instead. Still, I
wasn’t gonna take any chances.
24
Once we got through security, we grabbed our
stuff from the conveyor belt and took off. Our
gate was down on the lower level, so we had to
take the escalator.
We couldn’t even do THAT without causing a major
problem. Manny’s stuffed animal got stuck in the
bottom of the escalator, and he had to press the
Emergency Stop button so Mom could pull it free.
25
Dad checked his watch and said we might still
make it, so we ran for our gate.
But the gate was all the way at the other end
of the terminal, and we knew we couldn’t make it
in time on foot.
Just then, a cart for handicapped passengers
came along, and Dad stopped it and asked the
driver if we could hitch a ride. The rest of us got
on board before she could say no.
26
After that, it was smooth sailing. The terminal
was pretty crowded, but people moved out of our
way when they heard us coming.
The driver dropped us off at our gate, but the
door was CLOSED. I thought that meant we
had missed our flight and we could turn around
and enjoy a nice Christmas Eve at home. But it
turned out the flight was DELAYED, so all that
stress was for nothing.
27
The reason the flight was delayed was because of
the bad weather, and it was gonna be another
HOUR before we got on the plane. We looked
for a place to sit down in the boarding area, but
people were hogging the seats.
Mom told me that once we got on the plane,
we’d be in the air for about six hours, which was
news to ME. I asked her for some money, and I
bought a couple of magazines, some snacks, and
headphones at a shop near our gate.
The only thing I needed that the store didn’t have
was SOCKS. My right sock was still soaking wet
from stepping in that puddle, so I went into the
bathroom to wring it out in the sink.
28
When I was done, my sock was still DAMP, and
I really didn’t wanna put it back on my foot. The
bathroom had one of those high-powered hand
dryers, and that gave me an idea.
I couldn’t wait to get back home and start
making some MONEY on this idea. I figured I
could make a KILLING on rainy days.
29
The only problem with the hand dryer in the
airport bathroom was that it was a little TOO
powerful.
My sock started SMOKING, and then it went
FLYING.
I decided I’d just get a new pair of socks at the
resort, because there was no way I was gonna
wear something I had to fish out of a URINAL.
When I came back from the restroom, they were
making an announcement at our gate.
30
I figured they were ready to start boarding the
plane, but they were just letting us know there
was another DELAY.
And it went on like that for the rest of the
day. Apparently, this storm was causing problems
everywhere, and the plane we were supposed to
fly out on was stuck at some OTHER airport.
I was starting to worry that my electronic device
was gonna run out of juice while I was on the
plane, so I looked for a place to charge it. But I
guess everyone else was thinking the same thing.
31
The only available outlet was in an awkward place.
But when your battery is at 15%, you gotta do
what you gotta do.
Our plane finally arrived at the gate, and all the
passengers who were on it got off. But if flying
is supposed to be FUN, you’d never know it from
the way these people looked.
32
The gate agent got on the loudspeaker and
said we’d be boarding shortly. Then she said our
flight was “overbooked,” and they needed a few
volunteers to give up their seats.
She said that whoever volunteered FIRST would
get three hundred dollars and a free night at the
airport hotel.
I didn’t need to hear another word. I got
to the desk before she’d even finished with her
announcement and said I was her guy.
Unfortunately, Mom wouldn’t LET me volunteer,
and nobody ELSE stepped up, either.
33
So the gate agent increased the offer to FIVE
hundred dollars, and some woman snapped it up
right away. I just hope she enjoys spending
my money.
After that, the agent made ANOTHER
announcement. She said the flight crew on
our plane had worked too many hours because
of all the delays, and we had to wait for a
REPLACEMENT crew to come in before we could
take off.
Now everyone at our gate was MAD, because what
was supposed to be an early flight was turning
into an OVERNIGHT one.
34
When the new flight crew finally arrived, they
didn’t look happy to be there. That’s probably
because they were expecting to spend Christmas Eve
at HOME, so I knew EXACTLY how they felt.
After the crew got on board, they started letting
passengers on the plane. My family got to go
first, because they let people with young kids board
before anyone else. But the gate agent stopped me
at the door.
35
She said my carry-on bag was too big to fit in
the overhead bin, so it had to go down below with
the rest of the luggage. That was fine with ME,
because I didn’t want to deal with my bag on the
plane anyway.
When I got on board, I was pretty impressed.
The seats were a LOT bigger than I expected,
and they were covered in real leather.
I asked Mom what row we were in, but she said we
needed to keep moving. She said this was the first-
class section, and our seats were in ECONOMY.
36
But the economy section wasn’t HALF as nice as
first class. The seats were packed together, and
they barely had any cushioning.
Mom said our seats were toward the middle of
the plane, so we headed there. But Dad hung
back in the first-class section. He said he got
UPGRADED because of all his frequent-flier miles
and that he’d
catch up with us after we landed.
37
Mom didn’t seem happy about this news. She said
it wasn’t fair for him to be in first class while we
were in economy, so she said we’d all take TURNS
sitting in Dad’s seat during the flight.
But Dad said the rest of us weren’t experienced
travelers like him, and we wouldn’t even know how
to ACT in first class.
Luckily, there were other passengers trying to
board, so Mom and Dad couldn’t get into a full-
blown argument right there in the aisle. Dad sat
down in his seat, and we went to find ours.
The rest of us were all in the same row. Mom,
Rodrick, and Manny sat on one side of the aisle,
and I had the middle seat on the OTHER side.
38
Rodrick tried to get me to switch with him so he
didn’t have to sit by Manny, but I was happy
right where I was. I didn’t have a whole lot of
leg room, but other than that, it wasn’t so bad.
All the other passengers boarded after us, and
people seemed pretty stressed trying to get their
stuff into the overhead bins. So I was glad they
took MY bag at the gate.
Everyone put away their bags and sat down in
their seats. The pilot made an announcement that
the doors were closing, and the seats to my left
and right were still empty.
I couldn’t believe my luck. As soon as we took
off, I was gonna stretch out across all three
seats and get myself a good night’s sleep.
It was even BETTER than being in first class.
But right before the doors closed, one more couple
got on board. And they had a BABY with them.
40
I didn’t think these people would be in my row,
because there were only TWO empty seats. But
the baby sat in his mother’s LAP.
See, if I were in charge of the airline, the rule
would be one person per seat. Because if this
couple had TWINS, it would’ve been completely
out of hand.
I asked these parents if one of them wanted to
switch seats with me so they could be next to each
other. But the mother said she liked the window,
and her husband said he liked to be on the aisle.
41
Right after that, the pilot came on the intercom.
He said that before we took off, there’d be a
brief safety video to show us what to do in case of
an emergency.
I was already nervous about flying to begin
with, and I didn’t like hearing there might be an
“emergency.” So when the safety video played, I
paid ATTENTION.
But as far as I could tell, I was the only person
who DID. Everybody else completely tuned out.
The beginning of the video was just basic stuff,
like how to fasten a seatbelt.
42
But after that, it got SERIOUS.
The video’s narrator said that if there was a
“loss in cabin pressure,” oxygen masks would drop
from the ceiling. Well, I don’t know what “cabin
pressure” is, but I didn’t like hearing that we
might LOSE it.
The people in the video didn’t look bothered at
ALL when the oxygen masks dropped down,
though. In fact, they looked kind of HAPPY
about it.
Then the video got even WORSE. The narrator
said that in case of a “water landing,” we’d need
to evacuate the plane.
43
Now I was REALLY freaked out. I thought
the whole point of an airplane was that it was
supposed to stay in the AIR.
The safety video said there were emergency exits
on the plane and the people sitting in the exit
rows would need to open the doors so everybody
could get out.
The emergency exit was one row behind me, and
I realized the people sitting there weren’t paying
attention to the video at ALL. So I got them
to put down their magazines and listen up.
The flight attendants didn’t seem bothered that
no one was watching the safety video. I figured
they probably had their OWN exits, so if there
was any trouble, I was gonna follow THEM.
The video showed the plane in the water with
inflatable slides coming off the emergency exits.
And they actually made it look FUN.
45
Then the video said our seat cushions doubled as
“flotation devices,” and each one had a whistle
attached to it. Now I had questions, so I
pressed the button above my seat to get the
flight attendant to come over.
What I wanted to know was, if we landed in
shark-infested waters, would it really be such a
good idea to blow the whistle? It felt to ME
like we’d basically be inviting the sharks over for a
free lunch.
The flight attendant said I didn’t need to
worry, because all the seat cushions were coated
with shark repellent, so they wouldn’t even come
near us.
I was pretty happy to hear that, but now I’m
wondering if he was pulling my leg.
I don’t really get the point of the whistles,
though. It’s not like anybody’s gonna hear them
if you’re in the middle of the ocean.
And if you’re lucky enough to have a cruise
ship pass by, believe me, THOSE guys aren’t
stopping to pick you up.
47
After the safety video was over, I felt