Well, I know that’s not true because of the time
Mom hugged Aunt Dorothy on Christmas Eve.
toot!
85
Anyway, today was the first day of the “Facts
of Life” unit, and sure enough, Nurse Powell
sent the kids whose parents wouldn’t sign their
permission slips down to the library to be “special
helpers” for the day.
The rest of us were pretty excited, because we
couldn’t wait to hear all the juicy stuff Nurse
Powell was about to tell us.
But it didn’t go the way I expected at ALL.
Nurse Powell put some charts up on the easel and
started talking about “zygotes” and “chromosomes”
and a whole bunch of other scientific nonsense.
86
rna
dna
xx xy
I kept waiting for her to tell us this was all a
big joke and then get to the good stuff, but
it never happened. So I’m guessing the school is
just trying to confuse us to make us lose interest.
Anyway, if the school IS trying to confuse us,
they’re doing a pretty good job. At lunch we
tried to explain what we learned in the “Facts
of Life” unit to the kids who didn’t get their
permission slips signed, and we couldn’t agree on a
single thing.
no, no,
no!
87
Saturday
Another thing Dad’s in charge of now that Mom’s
back in school is taking us kids to our dentist
appointments.
Most kids don’t like going to the dentist, but I
actually look FORWARD to it. I’ve been going
to the same dentist since I was two years old,
and they are totally my type of operation.
Tender Hugs
Pediatric Dental Care
We cater to
cowards!
Tall Pines
Shopping Mall
Peanut
But the main reason I like going to the dentist
is because I am TOTALLY in love with the
hygienist who works there, Rachel.
88
Rachel always lectures me about brushing and
flossing and all that, but she’s so cute that it’s
hard to take her seriously.
Mom’s always getting after me about flossing, too.
She says that if I don’t take better care of my
teeth, I’m gonna end up with dentures before I
go to college.
your gums are in
very bad shape.
you’re going to
need to floss
every day from
now on.
ok. hee
hee hee!
I’ve been thinking about that, and maybe false
teeth wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
89
If I had dentures, I could have someone ELSE
take care of my teeth, and I could spend the
extra time doing something I actually enjoy.
The only problem with being in love with your
hygienist is that you only get to see her every six
months when you get your teeth cleaned. So I
have to make the most of every visit.
I’m gonna need
these back by
breakfast.
The last time I had an appointment, I looked
Rachel in the eye the whole time she cleaned my
teeth so she could see I was definitely interested.
Plop
90
This morning I actually went out and bought
some cologne to make an extra-good impression on
her. So when Dad told me to get in the car, I
was ready.
But Dad drove right past my dentist’s office and
got on the highway. I told him that he had
missed the turn and that Tender Hugs Dental
Care was back the other way.
91
But Dad said I’m “too old” to keep going to a
kids’ dentist, so starting today he was switching
me over to his dentist, Dr. Kagan.
I got a chill up my spine when he said that name.
I’ve seen Dr. Kagan’s billboards on the highway,
and I get the impression he has a totally
different approach than Tender Hugs.
DR. SALAZAR KAGAN
oral surgery
and general dentistry
ROOT CANALS
ABSCESS DRAINAGE
BONE GRAFTING
“Because bad oral health is nothing to smile about.”
I tried to get Dad to change his mind, but he
said he already did the paperwork to switch me over
and there was no turning back. I thought about
making a run for it, but Dad must’ve known what
I was thinking, because he locked the car doors.
92
Dr. Kagan’s office was even scarier than I
pictured it. He didn’t have any coloring books or
toys or the kinds of things they have in the
Tender Hugs waiting room.
Dr. Kagan was waiting for me in his office, and
all his sharp metal instruments and drills were
right out in the open for me to see when I
walked in.
jiggle
jiggle
jiggle
you’d better
hope you
flossed
gum disease
it’s probably
already too late
open wide
shudder
shudder
93
So I could tell this guy wasn’t fooling around.
After I sat down in the chair, Dr. Kagan
started grilling me about my eating and drinking
habits. He actually got MAD when I told him
I drink soda, and he went in the side room and
brought out a jar filled with brown liquid that had
a rotten tooth in it.
94
He told me this is what happened to a real tooth
when it was left in a jar of soda for twenty-four
hours. I told Dr. Kagan I would make sure I
never left my teeth in a jar of soda overnight.
I’m pretty sure he thought I was being
sarcastic, but I was just trying to show him I
was paying attention.
Then he cleaned my teeth. I started to panic,
because if there’s one person you don’t want to
be mad at you, it’s the guy who’s got metal tools
poking around in your mouth.
At one point, Dr. Kagan started doing X-rays.
He put a piece of plastic between my teeth and
told me to bite down. Then he took an X-ray and
got the next piece of plastic ready.
95
After two or three X-rays, I started to get the
hang of it, and so when Dr. Kagan did my molars,
I bit down on the plastic before he even told me
to. At least I THOUGHT it was the plastic. It
turns out it was actually Dr. Kagan’s finger.
aiiiieeee!
chomp
Well, if he was mad before, it was NOTHING
compared to this.
Dr. Kagan told me to go out to the waiting room
while he worked on my “diagnosis.” I was pretty
sure he was gonna come back and tell Dad I
needed to get a root canal or something so he
could get even with me.
96
But Dr. Kagan
actually did something even
WORSE. He told Dad I needed to take “major
corrective measures” for my overbite, and he gave
Dad this pamphlet—
Your Child
Needs
HEADGEAR
Dr. Kagan said I would need to wear my
headgear at all times, especially during the day
when I’m at school. So obviously he’s trying to
ruin my social life.
97
Monday
When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t find my
headgear where I left it, so I had to go to school
without it. Not that I’m complaining or anything.
In Health class Nurse Powell told us we were
going to be starting a new unit about parenting.
She said that being a mother or a father is a big
responsibility and that in this unit we were gonna
learn that taking care of a baby is no piece of cake.
Then she took out a carton of eggs. She said each
one of us was gonna have to take our egg home
and return it to class the next day.
And the rule was that we had to return our
egg to her in perfect shape, with no cracks in it
or anything.
98
Now, I don’t know what a chicken egg has to
do with a baby, but this is one of those situations
that make me wonder if I’d be getting a better
education if Mom and Dad switched me over to
private school.
Then Nurse Powell said this egg thing was gonna
count for 25% of our grade.
Well, when Nurse Powell mentioned grades, I got
really nervous. I’m already failing Algebra, and
I don’t need to flunk out of Health, too. So I
knew I was gonna have to keep my egg safe.
The other boys didn’t seem too worried about
THEIR grades, judging by what happened after
class let out.
99
I heard it took the janitor all afternoon to scrub
the yolks off the lockers.
splat
blap
The only boy besides me who didn’t break his egg
right away was Rowley, who tucked it in his shirt
pocket.
come
along,
rowley
junior.
pat
pat
I didn’t have a shirt pocket or anywhere safe
to put MY egg, so I needed to figure out
something quick.
100
I ended up getting a huge wad of toilet paper
from the bathroom and stuffing it into my
backpack for cushioning. I had to take some of
my books out so they wouldn’t crush the egg, so
I guess that means I won’t be doing my History
homework tonight.
I’m nervous around eggs anyway, because of an
incident that happened last year.
My family got invited to the Snellas’ house for
another one of their kids’ half-birthday parties.
The Snellas had a table set up with all sorts of
food, and most of it looked too fancy for me. But
I knew Mom would think it was rude if I didn’t
put something on my plate.
Stuff
stuff
101
The only thing I could actually recognize was the
deviled eggs, because I had them at Gramma’s
house a couple of times.
I put about ten of them on my plate. But when
I bit into one, I gagged. The deviled eggs at
the Snellas’ house didn’t taste ANYTHING like
the ones Gramma makes, and now I had a whole
plate full of them.
So I waited until no one was looking, and then I
dumped all the deviled eggs in this plastic plant in
the dining room.
Dump
102
I got away with it, but a few weeks later Mrs.
Snella told Mom there was a really bad smell in
their house and they couldn’t figure out where it
was coming from.
At first Mr. and Mrs. Snella thought the smell
was coming from the carpet, so they hired a
cleaner to come shampoo the rug. But that didn’t
solve the problem, and they thought maybe a
squirrel or a mouse died in their walls. So they had
a carpenter come in to try to find it.
After a few weeks, I guess they couldn’t take
the smell anymore, so they moved out.
Rripp
103
And I have to admit I felt a little bit guilty
when I saw they were taking their plastic plant
with them.
Ever since, I’ve been trying to figure out how to
sneak some deviled eggs into Fregley’s house.
Tuesday
Yesterday when I got home, I put my egg in my
sock drawer, but then I realized it wouldn’t be
safe in there.
Whenever I have something new, Manny finds a
way to get to it and wreck it.
104
In fact, it only took a day and a half for Manny
to find my headgear. And I don’t care WHAT
Dr. Kagan says, there’s no way I’m putting
THAT thing in my mouth again.
I thought about hiding the egg at the top of my
closet, but that wouldn’t stop Manny. I hid some
comic books up there once, but that boy can climb
like a monkey.
105
What I realized is that the more work I
put into hiding something, the better chance
Manny has of finding it. So I decided to hide
my egg in an obvious spot where he would never
think to look.
I put it in the refrigerator on the second shelf.
But this morning I opened the refrigerator to
get my egg, and it wasn’t where I left it.
I went into a panic, and I asked Mom if she’d
seen Manny take my egg out of the refrigerator.
But Mom said SHE was the one who took it, and
that’s what she was making me for breakfast.
106
All of a sudden I felt a little sick to my stomach.
I realized that if I couldn’t even take care of an
egg for twenty-four hours, I definitely have no
business ever being a parent.
When I got to school, I noticed that all the
girls in my Health class had gotten THEIR eggs
to school safely. Some of the girls were carrying
theirs around in little pouches they’d sewn, and a
few of them had even accessorized their eggs with
sparkles and glitter and stuff like that.
107
I’m pretty sure the point of the lesson was to
teach us how hard it is to take care of a baby,
so I don’t think the girls were really getting
the message.
I was thinking about swiping Rowley’s egg when
he wasn’t looking and passing it off as my own,
but he had drawn all over his in crayon, so that
wasn’t an option.
108
When Nurse Powell came to my desk, I pulled out
the plastic baggie that had my scrambled egg in
it, but she didn’t seem too impressed.
can i at least
get partial
credit?
So I guess that means I’m probably gonna be in
summer school to repeat Health
class.
Nurse Powell congratulated everyone who kept
their eggs in perfect condition overnight. Then she
collected all the eggs and threw them in the trash.
Dump
109
Well, that sent Rowley and the girls into hysterics.
All I can say is, this whole episode has got me
seriously concerned about the next generation of
parents in our country.
Friday
This afternoon there was a knock on the door,
and when I opened it I was pretty surprised to
see Grandpa standing there.
110
I was kind of confused, because he had his
overnight bag with him. But when I turned
around and saw Mom and Dad with THEIR
luggage, I figured out what was going on.
Mom and Dad said they haven’t gotten to spend a
lot of time together lately, so they decided to go on
a “romantic weekend getaway.” They asked Grandpa
to come by and watch us while they were gone.
I wish they didn’t have to go and throw the
word “romantic” in there, because that part was
definitely too much information for me.
Mom and Dad don’t trust me and Rodrick to be
home alone, because the LAST time they left us
on our own, Rodrick had a huge party.
111
Whenever Mom and Dad go away, they usually
leave us with Gramma. But Gramma’s on a cruise
with her friends, so that’s why we got stuck
with Grandpa.
Mom and Dad don’t give us any advance warning
when they go away. For their anniversary, we
didn’t even know they were gone until they called.
we’re in
hawaii!
The LAST time they left us at our own house
with Grandpa was when me and Rodrick were
really little. I don’t remember everything that
went wrong that week, but I do remember that
he dropped me off for T-ball practice at the
wrong time and at the wrong field.
112
I don’t think Rodrick was crazy about the idea of
having Grandpa as a babysitter, because the second