Early Praise for The Baby Decision
“Bombardieri is magic. In this book, she takes you by the hand into the depths of the scary and sometimes overwhelming baby decision and step by step, she helps you find clarity. The Baby Decision is a must read for everyone of child-bearing age.”
— Mara Altman, Author of Thanks for Coming, Baby Steps, and Bearded Lady
“The intelligence and generosity of Bombardieri’s perspectives are a gift to all women and men; she deeply honors individuality while reminding us of the compassion that is all of our potential.”
— Bina Venkataraman, writer and climate policy expert
“I am so excited about The Baby Decision. Being thirty-one, my peers are beginning to struggle with this question in a big way. When I read about the distinction between ‘growth’ and ‘safety’ needs, a light bulb went off over my head. You broke that down so clearly and so quickly. This is such an important book!”
— Katie O’Reilly, Journalist, memoirist, contributor to atlantic.com, BuzzFeed, and Bitch
“The Baby Decision is an indispensable guide to greater awareness and freedom for anyone wrestling with one of life’s most important decisions. Bombardieri provides a lens that illuminates the architecture of healthy decision-making. Brimming with humanity and respect, informed by research and infused with clinical wisdom, this book is a gem.”
— Stephanie Morgan, MSW, Psy.D. Psychologist, Private Practice. Co-author, Mindfulness and Psychotherapy, and Compassion and Wisdom in Psychotherapy.
“A perfect guidebook for any person making the life changing decision to have a child, or be childfree. Merle Bombardieri offers cogent, insightful, practical, and always deeply kind suggestions to help her readers make their own best decision with clarity, courage, and peace.”
— Deborah Rozelle, Psy.D., clinical psychologist, trauma and adoption expert; co-editor and author of Mindfulness-Oriented Interventions for Trauma: Integrating Contemplative Practices
“This book is an invaluable tool for anyone making this enormous life decision . . . In clear and compassionate prose, The Baby Decision guides productive thought and discussion. Most important, it makes two things clear: first, it’s OK to feel uncertain and conflicted. And second, you CAN come to a decision and move forward.”
— Jenna Russell, Boston Globe reporter, co-author New York Times Bestseller, Last Lion, and Long Mile Home
“Intelligent, sensitive, and exceptionally useful support to all in the process of the conscious decision making about transition to parenthood or childfree living. A tremendous contribution!”
— Janet Surrey, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Meditation Teacher specializing in Diversity, Mothering, Adoption, and Substance Abuse. Her latest book is The Buddha’s Wife: The Path of Awakening Together
“Bombardieri is a master at teasing apart the details of the decision-making process. Her thoughtful and thorough exploration of each facet of the decision-making process—among the array of parenting options, is an invaluable resource for those contemplating parenthood, and professionals who help them work through the process.”
— Carol Sheingold, MSW, LICSW—adoption professional and bio-adoptive parent.
“This book offers an accessible, doable, and empathic approach for any person struggling with the baby decision.”
— Phyllis B. Fitzpatrick, LICSW, Private Practice, Former Adoption Social Worker
“This is the essential guide for any person or couple considering parenthood.”
— Kayla Sheets, Genetic Counselor, Founder of Vibrant Gene
Praise for the first edition of The Baby Decision
“I think the millions of young women turning the decision over in their heads could profit by reading it. . . . Full of sentences you’ll chew over and savor. Best book on the subject.”
— Ann Ulmschneider, Childfree Advocate
“Imaginative and sensitive . . . Millions could profit from reading this book.”
— Caroline Bird, pioneering feminist economist and author of The Two-Paycheck Marriage and Born Female
This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author and the publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health, or other competent professionals before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it.
The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
Copyright ©2016 by Merle A. Bombardieri
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Published by
Orchard View Press
Stow, MA 01775
www.orchardviewpress.com
Author Contact:
www.thebabydecision.com
Follow us on Twitter: @thebabydecision
Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/thebabydecision
Printed in the United States
First Printing, 2016
Paperback ISBN 978-0-9975007-0-7
ePub ISBN 978-0-9975007-3-8
Kindle ISBN 978-0-9975007-2-1
Edited by Andi Cumbo-Floyd
www.andilit.com
Cover and interior design by Barbara Aronica-Buck
www.bookdesigner.com
To Rocco
STEP ONE: DEFINING THE PROBLEM
Introduction: The Great Cradle Debate
Safety or Growth—It’s Your Choice
The Decision Maker’s Bill of Rights
How to Use This Book
Chapter 1: A Bird’s-Eye View
Is This a Woman’s Decision?
How to Get Your Hand Off the Panic Button
Deciding Under Emergency Circumstances
How Long Is Too Long?
Will the Wrong Decision Ruin Your Life?
Anxiety-Proof Yourself
STEP TWO: OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
Chapter 2: Secret Doors
Inner Conflict
Looking Back
Body Talk
Visions of Baby
Values
Timetables
Looking In
Nuts and Bolts of Parenting Couples Exercises
Chapter 3: In and Out of the Pressure Cooker
You Can Go Home Again
The Family Tree
An Unhappy Childhood
My Parents/Myself
My Mother/My Wife
Friends and Other Meddlers
The “Babies Are Wonderful” Crowd
Games Parents Play with Childfree People
Games Childfree People Play
The Conformity Syndrome
Stilling the Angry Voices
Is There an End in Sight for the Childfree?
Chapter 4: Poison Vials
Poison Vials About Parenthood
Poison Vials About the Childfree Choice
Poison Vials About Preparing for Parenthood
A Final Word About Poisons
STEP THREE: CONSIDERING HAPPINESS
Chapter 5: Which Way Happiness?
Building Blocks of Happiness
Happiness and Marriage
What the Experts Say About Happiness
STEP FOUR: MAKING THE DECISION
Chapter 6: Tug-of-War,
or What to Do When Couples Conflict
Games Couples Play
Decision-Makers’ Bill of Responsibilities to Partner
First Aid for Battling Couples
Working It Out
Don’t Become a “Single” Married Parent
Is Counseling the Answer?
Before You Head to the Divorce Court . . .
The Second Time Around
Separate Faces—An Exercise for the ABP
A Final Word About Conflict
Chapter 7: Breaking the Age Barrier—Delayed Parenthood
Advantages of Delayed Parenthood
Disadvantages of Delayed Parenthood
The Medical Story
Motherhood Over 35 Is Not for Everybody
Am I/Are We Too Old to Parent?
Minimizing the Problems of Older Parenthood
Reasons for Delaying Parenthood
Talking to Parents and In-Laws About Older Parenthood
Chapter 8: Only Child—A Singular Solution
Advantages of an Only Child
Disadvantages to Having an Only Child
Deciding to Have a Second Child
Considering a Third Child
Chapter 9: Alternative Parenting
Gay Parenting
Checklist for Gay Couples Who May Become Parents
Single Parenting
List of Possible Decisions for Single People Considering Parenthood
Another Possibility/ The Reframe
Will My Child Feel Weird and Alone?
Why Be a Single Parent?
Joys of Single Parenthood
Difficulties of Single Parenthood
It’s Your Choice
Considerations for Potential Single Parents
Pregnancy Through Intercourse
Donor Insemination
Chapter 10: Solving Fertility Problems
Early Stage
Pregnancy Loss
Self-Care After Pregnancy Loss
Logistics
The Middle Stage
Coping with a Pregnancy after Infertility or a Miscarriage
Bill of Rights for Women Pregnant After Infertility
Later Stage: Thinking About Stopping Treatment
Psychological Actions to Help You Consider Stopping
Grief Work as Preparation To Stop Trying
Chapter 11: Adoption
Guidelines for Considering Adoption
Common Forms of Adoption
Open Adoption
Special Needs Adoption
Legal Risk Adoptions
Transracial or Multi-Cultural Adoption
An Overview of the Adoption Process
Simultaneous Trying
Ground Rules for Pursuing Adoption and Pregnancy Simultaneously
Chapter 12: Help!
Seeking Professional Help
Choosing the Right Kind of Help
What to Look for in a Therapist
How to Find Help
STEP FIVE: ACTING ON YOUR DECISION
Chapter 13: Embracing Your Childfree Life
Living with the Childfree Choice
Looking to the Future
Making It Final—Sterilization
If You Are Considering Making It Final
Using What You’ve Learned About Yourself to Grow
The Childfree Person—A New Kind of Pioneer
Chapter 14: Small Pleasures: Looking Toward Parenthood
Three’s Company—Preparing for the Baby
Look Forward to the Creativity and Joy You Hope to Experience
Lessons from Room Nineteen: How to Be a Mother Without Being a Martyr
Survival Tactics
Advice for Full-Time, At-Home Mothers
Advice for Working Mothers
Advice for All Mothers
Chapter 15: Grape Juice on Mommy’s Briefcase, or How to Combine Motherhood and Career Without Losing Your Mind or Your Job
Juggling Career and Motherhood
Who’s Changing the Diapers—Parents as Partners
Guidelines for Shared Parenting
Father Power
Finding Your Own Path to Shared Parenthood
Day Care? Where?—Mother’s Dream or Nightmare?
Guilt
Jealousy
Anger
Choosing the Right Kind of Day Care
Guidelines for Evaluating Your Child Care Choices
Chapter 16: How to Make the Most of Your Decision
Should You Announce Your Decision?
Acknowledgments
Acknowledgments for First Edition
APPENDIX 1: Bibliography
The Decision
Social Commentary
Personal Growth
Marriage/ Relationships
Childfree Choice
Pregnancy
Nursing
Postpartum
Parenting
Motherhood
Balancing Careers and Children
Fatherhood and Shared Parenthood
Adoption
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender
Infertility
Pregnancy Loss
The One-Child Family
Single Parents, Single Women
Step-Parenting
APPENDIX 2: Resources
Childfree
Birth and Postpartum
Infertility and Pregnancy Loss
Adoption
Parenting
Breastfeeding
Step-Families
Gay Resources
APPENDIX 3: Interview with Kayla Sheets, Genetic Counselor
APPENDIX 4: My Own Baby Decision
INDEX
About the Author
How to Contact Merle
The only right is what is after my constitution;
the only wrong is what is against it.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves.
—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
Laura and Michael Rose have everything they could possibly want, or do they? She’s thirty-two, a successful physical therapist who also paints. He’s thirty-five, an environmental engineer and avid hiker. After eight years of marriage, Laura and Michael enjoy each other more than ever. They seem to have the perfect balance of independence and relatedness. Apart, she does yoga; he plays guitar. Together, they meditate, hike, and hang out with friends. They ski in Vermont and snorkel in the Bahamas. What more could they possibly want?
Possibly, they want a baby. But they don’t know. And the question is driving them crazy.
“Why can’t we decide?” asks Michael. “Are we neurotic? Selfish? Immature? Why don’t we just chuck Laura’s pills and let nature take its course? Maybe things were better in the old days when contraceptives weren’t around. Sometimes I almost wish an ‘accident’ would take us off the hook.”
“To make matters worse,” says Laura, “we’re not even consistent in our conflict. It isn’t as if one of us wants a baby and the other doesn’t. One minute I’ll say to Michael, ‘I’m just chicken. Let’s throw away the pills,’ and he’ll say, ‘But what about your work? Will you still be able to paint?’ A few minutes later, Michael will say, ‘I’m nuts about kids. I want to be a father.’ Then I ask, ‘But what about our relationship?’”
Michael wonders, “Will life still be exciting if the closest we get to Vermont is our pancake syrup? We think of our best friends who love being parents and who still practice law together. Then we think of my brother and his wife, who have a sick infant and a spoiled toddler. My sister-in-law wishes she’d never quit her executive job. One childfree friend sends us quotes about how children wreck your life. We’ve read books and articles about this decision, but we still don’t know what to do.”
Does this story strike a familiar chord? Are you and your partner, like Laura and Michael, caught up in an endless cycle of conflicting emotions and doubts? Do you spend too much time weighing pros and cons without moving forward
? If so, take heart. Now you can find an answer. The baby decision need not drive you crazy. The question that tugs at you like a lead weight is actually a golden opportunity for you and your partner to grow as individuals and as a couple; to deepen your relationship; to choose the kind of life that will bring you both the most happiness. In fact, if you dig deeply enough, you’ll find buried treasure at your feet. But you won’t find this bonanza without a treasure map.
The Baby Decision is such a map. It will not only help you make a decision that’s right for you but also show you how to use that decision as a springboard to greater fulfillment. It will guide you, step by step, to a decision you can live with happily.
“Why is this decision so difficult?” my clients and workshop attendees moan. Are we the wishy-washy-est people on the planet? “Wouldn’t most normal, reasonable people have decided by now?”
I answer their question with a question of my own:
Do you want this job, which I am about to offer you?
Listen carefully:
If you accept it, you will have to do it for twenty years. Before you commit, you are not allowed to try it out or even meet your boss/ coworker. Consequently, you may have no idea if you will like the job or the person. Nor will you know until you start it if you will love or hate it. During the three months of your apprenticeship, you will endure sleepless nights, twenty-four hour shifts, seven days a week. Sound good so far?
But wait. There’s more. For this grueling job, you will not receive a salary. In fact, you have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to do it. Oh, and also there’s no clause for quitting, at least not for the first eighteen years.
Are you grabbing the contract, pen in hand and pulling your partner over to the desk to sign up right away?
When, Dear Reader, you read this, are you still wondering why you and your partner can’t make a decision? Do you have incurable indecisiveness? Or are you just being thoughtful and careful? This book will guide you to an answer that works for you.
You may be a little skeptical if you’ve read other books, posts, and articles on the topic. Perhaps they offered a little new information, but didn’t get you unstuck. You and your partner may be long on talk because you’re short on guidance. The available literature on the subject has focused primarily on weighing the pros and cons of parenting or measuring an individual’s potential skills as a parent. Although these issues are useful and necessary, they add up to only two pieces of a larger puzzle. And because they overemphasize logic to the detriment of emotion, they’re often less than helpful. This book, however, is much more comprehensive because it will fill in these five, important missing pieces: