WITCHES ARE BAD?
YES, WE KNOW
THAT IS WHY WE’RE KILLING SO MANY.”
and Cotton Mather is like *shrug*
But finally, shit gets out of hand.
Now, I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking: Shit was already out of hand
it was nowhere near the hand
like here’s the hand
and here’s Egypt
and then over here
in an anonymous hovel in the Gobi desert
is where you might find the shit.
And you’re right
but it was okay up to this point
because the only people getting killed were poor.
After a while though
people just start accusing absolutely anybody
and one of those people is the governor’s wife
and the governor is like “Whoa, whoa, hey
maybe we’re being a little hasty, guys
how about we uh . . . stop killing witches.
Yeah, you know what?
Pardons for everybody!
Yayyyy!”
Meanwhile twenty people have been executed
and five have died in prison.
So the moral of the story
is that children are assholes.
TEA IS FOR WANKERS
So there’s these dudes in America
and the reason I am calling it America
as opposed to the United States thereof
is because these states are in no way united
they are about as cohesive a legislative body
as a shot glass full of sperm.
But that’s all about to change
because one thing these dudes DO agree on
is they really don’t like England
specifically the king of England
whose name is George The Third
which just shows how unfit for command he is.
What kind of king lets himself be named George?
If I was king
I would be named Hugedick Excelsior
THE FIRST
BECAUSE APPARENTLY
NO ONE ELSE THINKS OF THIS STUFF.
But oh, I should explain why George is a tool
and in order to do that
we gotta get knee-deep in that most British of fluids
that’s right
TEA
(I think every country has an official fluid
like France has wine
and Russia has vodka
and Greenland has tears).
Believe it or not, the British did not invent tea
they just kinda invented putting tea on boats
that got it from Asia
along with every other cool thing.
The reason this is important
is that there is only one company in Britain
that is allowed to import tea
and that company is known as
THE BRITISH EAST INDIA COMPANY
(which I will from now on refer to
as the Notorious E.I.C.).
But it’s not that simple.
See, Britain charges a pretty hefty tax on that tea
and then the EIC sells it to other dudes
who sell THAT tea to colonists in America
who have to pay ANOTHER tax on that tea
and aren’t allowed to buy tea from anyone else
all of which adds up to SUPER EXPENSIVE TEA
which is just like
what the fuck
you’re already drinking fucking tea
and now it’s EXPENSIVE too?
Fuck tea
drink 40s.
But the colonists are desperate for shitty leaf-water
so they start buying it off of Dutch smugglers
for like half the price
and also raising hell about the stupid tea tax.
They’re like, “Listen, guys
we didn’t vote for your stupid government
so stop making us pay money to it.
We don’t come into your parliament
and slap the dumb powdered wigs off your heads
so stop telling us how much to pay for tea.
Haha, ‘to pay’ kinda sounds like ‘toupee’
which is basically what those wigs are.
Seriously you guys look like assholes.”
Naturally Britain is pretty peeved
but the colonies are rich and have guns
so Britain decides to repeal all their recent taxes
EXCEPT the tea law
because fuck you, America.
This kind of defeats the purpose of the repeal
but they do manage to lower the price of tea
until it’s ONE CENT cheaper than Dutch tea
which . . . I mean . . . just repeal the tax, seriously.
So a bunch of colonists get together
who call themselves the Sons of Liberty
and they’re like “You know what
tea is actually pretty gross
this was never about tea
this was actually about fuck you.”
Meanwhile, the EIC is bringing a huge load of tea
so the Sons of Liberty get together
and go around scaring the crap out of tea importers
to get them to send the ships back
and they are apparently really scary
’cause everybody they talk to agrees to do it
EXCEPT IN MASSACHUSETTS.
Massachusetts has this governor, you see
his name is Thomas Hutchinson
and he is a tea-loving, British-sympathizing douche
whose sons run most of the tea-importing in Boston.
So as far as he’s concerned
that shit is getting IMPORTED.
Enter Sam “Samuel” Adams
he’s a Bostonian rabble-rouser
who brews his own beer
and is completely furious about this tea thing
so basically
this is a dude who just likes to get fucked up
(or who doesn’t like taxation without representation
whatever, same diff).
Sammy calls a meeting
and a bunch of Sons of Liberty show up
and they’re like “Hey, boat guys
you better not unload all that tea!”
and Thomas Hutchinson is like “Hey, boat guys
you better unload all that tea!”
and the boat guys are like “Aaa, aaaa
we are so confused and more boats keep showing up
what do we do???”
and Sam Adams is like “I dunno guys
I guess it’s out of my hands.
WINK.”
And then BAM
a bunch of dudes in Indian costumes
(because yes
that’s apparently still where they think they are)
are all over those boats
whooping and yelling and chucking tea into the water
thus cementing the American preference for coffee
while simultaneously inventing the rager
and all the boat guys are like “Phew”
and eventually an ultraconservative party
names itself after this event
but it’s a political party, not a fun party
and they don’t throw any tea in the water
so all they get out of the association
is the ability to make “tea-bagging” jokes
which is really more of a n
et win for their enemies.
So the moral of the story
is if you are having trouble deciding
between two equally shitty options
there is always a third option:
throw everything in the ocean.
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, OR: MUCH ADO ABOUT FREEDOM
Now, if there’s one thing that pisses off Brits
it’s wasting their tea
so when the Sons of Liberty dump it all in the bay
King George and Co. get mighty angry
and in a stunning display of passive-aggressiveness
they pass a bunch MORE terrible laws:
1. The port of Boston is now closed
2. Massachusetts doesn’t get a government
3. Royal employees basically can’t go to jail
4. British soldiers can sleep in your house
and finally, the most terrible provision of all:
5. CANADA GETS MORE LAND.
Now, as we all know
hatred for Canada is a proud American tradition
(except when you don’t like who the president is
or you’re on the run from the cops
or you need health care)
so naturally the colonists gotta do something
and do something they do
. . . eventually.
Remember when I said everyone agrees
about how King George is a dick?
I lied. Not everyone agrees.
No one agrees on anything.
That is the secret of America.
But there are some dudes who are mad eager
to MAKE everyone agree.
One of them is named John Adams
(the less sexy brother of Sam Adams)
and he is so gung ho about independence
that he is prepared to go to WAR for it.
But before he goes to real war for it
he has to go to POLITICAL war
which is like real war
except less like real war
and more like planning a party
where all the guests hate each other.
So think of it like this:
Adams and some of his bros
(that is, Tom Jefferson and Ben Franklin)
are planning a rager called the Continental Congress
(exactly as sexy as it sounds).
They invite everybody they know
because if they don’t invite someone
it’s just gonna be a whole lot of drama
and meanwhile, the cops
(that is, the British Empire)
are on their way to SHUT THIS PARTY DOWN
so dudes gotta move fast if they wanna get drunk
(that is, establish a fair and independent government).
So delegates from all these colonies show up
and pack their sweaty bodies into a single room
in the middle of summer
to try to compose a sensitive political document
and SURPRISE, SURPRISE, they start fighting.
Pennsylvania and Maryland are like “Naw, dudes
no way are we going independent”
and New York is like “Seriously, guys
I would love to vote for independence
but my government won’t let me”
and John Adams is like “Don’t be weenies
tell your parents/governments/constituents
to just piss off”
and Maryland and Pennsylvania are like “Make us”
and John Hancock is like “Whoa, guys, calm down!”
(Hancock is president of the Continental Congress
which really just means he sits in a big chair
and tells everyone to calm down.)
So Adams is like “Okay, how about this:
We don’t declare independence tonight
but I write a REALLY mean letter
about how we’re GONNA declare independence
eventually.”
And Pennsylvania is like “Fine whatever,”
but Maryland just says “Fuck this” and leaves.
But John Adams won’t be so easily discouraged.
He grabs a bunch of his brother’s good beer
rolls up his ridiculous pantaloons
and starts sending out another round of invites.
So everyone shows up
because the last party sucked
but at least it’s something to do
and GUESS WHAT?
EVERYBODY’S STILL BICKERING.
Pennsylvania is all “Aaaa, I dunno
maybe we should invite France first
in case shit gets nasty with the cops”
and John Adams is like “Dudes:
Right now, this party we’re having
we’re kinda throwing it at our parents’ house
like, while they’re out of town
France is not gonna show up for that shit
France is way too cool for that
we need to be able to tell them it’s OUR house
then we can have rad parties all the time
and pay whatever we want for tea.”
and Pennsylvania is like “Well
my royal government just exploded, so I’m in”
and Maryland is like “Okay, fiiiiiine”
and New York is like “Guys, I’d really love to
but I have to talk to my government first
and they’re out of town right now
and they won’t be back for like a month”
so everyone else is like “Wow, you’re such a baby.
Fine, we’ll vote without you.”
Thus commences the party-within-a-party
known as the “Committee of Five.”
As the name implies, it has five dudes
but only three that history really cares about:
Ben “Big Dick” Franklin
Thomas “Violent J” Jefferson
and John “Not Samuel” Adams.
Everyone wants Adams to write the Declaration
but he’s like “Naw, get Jefferson to do it
I’m tired of revolutionizing America for a bit.”
So Jefferson throws something together
in like two weeks
and everyone agrees that it sort of sucks
so they revise the hell out of it
which TJ doesn’t like because he’s a little diva.
The final version looks something like this:
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
AHEM:
Y’ALL ARE BEING DICKS
AND YOU DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO STOP
SO WE OUT.
SINCERELY,
JOHN HANCOCK
(and a bunch of other dudes with smaller names)
So yeah, after all that shit John Adams did
the biggest and sexiest name on the Declaration
belongs to some rando dude
whose only historical achievement
is signing his name real big
which just goes to show
that if all you want is to be remembered forever
calligraphy is way easier to learn than politics.
GEORGE WASHINGTON IS CASH MONEY
If you like America
then you probably love this next dude
(if you don’t like America, then wow
why did you buy this book)
this is the dude who invented being president
the dude who is literally money
the dude who has more monuments dedicated to him
than he has real teeth.
Yes friends
I am talking about George Washington:
AMERICA’S DAD.
George is born back in colonial times
to a pretty rich family of planters in Virginia
and from the moment this kid is born
he just gives ZERO fucks.
Like one time he sees a cherry tree
and he’s like “FUCK THAT TREE”
and he chops it down
for no better reason than he has an axe that can do it
and then his dad is like “WHO DID THAT?!”
and George is like “ME.
WHATCHA GONNA DO?”
Some people say that didn’t actually happen
but even if it didn’t
it’s the sort of thing he would do.
But George is more than just an axe-swinging maniac
he is also really, really tall
taller than everyone
(people were hella short in the past
so this was not hard)
and the British take one look at this tall son of a bitch
and they’re like “MY WORD
LET’S MAKE THE BIG FELLOW A GENERAL.”
So George ends up commanding a thousand dudes
during the French and Indian War
which is basically over who gets Ohio.
He’s an okay general
his guys are pretty disciplined
except once
they accidentally shoot sixteen British dudes
so that’s embarrassing.
Which is prolly why George doesn’t stay a general.
After the war, he goes back to just being wealthy
and owning slaves and marrying for money.
You know, the American way.
And he gets mad rich this way
just growing plants out of the ground
and selling them to dudes who put them on boats
which is probably why
when the British start imposing all these crazy taxes
on things that come and go on boats
George is like “NUH UH.”
The cool thing about being a rich landowner
is that you don’t really have to do work
so you are free to show up to every political meeting
and make your opinions on taxes heard
so when the Continental Congresses start happening
George is all up in there
wearing a military uniform
to let everyone know he is ready to kill for cheap tea
and since pretty much everyone at the meeting
has been over to his house for dinner at some point
for sweet rich-people-only parties
(plus they’re all Freemasons together)