and by the time he is eleven years old
he is already an orphan
but instead of pulling some Oliver Twist shit
and turning to crime and eating soup or whatever
he just impresses the pants off all these adults
with how smart he is
and then he’s like “Hey, guys
since your pants are all around your ankles
why don’t you bend down
fish your wallets out of your pockets
and fund my trip to a North American college?”
and all the adults are like “Wow, okay
thought that was going somewhere WAY different.”
So Alex goes to America
which isn’t even really America yet
just a collection of sassy colonies
and then the revolution happens and everything
but that’s not enough for li’l Hammy
because the colonies are independent now
but they’re only bound together
by these weak-ass Articles of Confederation
that basically say, “Yeah, we’re a country I guess
but like
whatever
do what you want.”
So Alex and some other dudes
who call themselves the Federalists
decide they REALLY need a strong constitution
that gives the central government ACTUAL powers
and in order to convince people to do this
Alex and his bros write like eighty essays about it
and Alex alone writes FIFTY of those essays.
FIFTY essays
that’s like twice the number of essays
I DIDN’T write in college.
Alexander Hamilton don’t play.
So the constitution gets signed
and dudes are pleased.
Then when his bro John Adams becomes president
Hammykins is suddenly a top political dude
so he’s like “Hey, guys, you know what we need?
A CENTRAL BANK.”
And the Democratic-Republicans
(which is a mega clunky name
for dudes who hate them some Federalists)
are like “NO WAY”
and Alex is like “YES WAY” and does it anyway.
So let’s review:
streets of the West Indies
to founder of the first Federal Bank.
If anybody deserves to be on money
it’s this dude.
But for every straight-up G
there is the inevitable beef
and for Alexander Hamilton
the name of that beef is Aaron Burr.
When it comes to beef
what these two dudes have is some wagyu shit.
I’m talking grass-fed
free-range
hand-massaged
HATRED.
Like, when Aaron Burr is tied to be president
Alexander Hamilton makes sure he’s vice president.
Then, when Aaron Burr runs for New York governor
Alexander Hamilton makes sure he’s NOTHING
and the way he accomplishes this
is by talking endless smack about Aaron Burr
at like every party he goes to
which means word is BOUND to get around.
So Aaron hears about this
and he hits up Alex like “Yo, Hamilton
you been talking smack about me?”
and Hamilton’s like “I do talk smack, sir”
and Aaron is like “But do you talk smack about me?”
and Hamilton is like “I DO TALK SMACK, SIR”
and Aaron’s like “Okay, that’s it.
I have to shoot you now.”
And Hamilton is like “Yeah, I guess you’re right
this is the world we live in.”
THIS IS THE WORLD THEY LIVE IN.
So these bros murder-elope to New Jersey
where dueling is SLIGHTLY LESS ILLEGAL
and they stand across from each other
and then Alex shoots his gun into the air
and Aaron shoots his gun into Alex’s organs
and Alex is like “Oh dang
probably should have pointed my gun at that guy.”
and then he dies.
Now, some people say Hamilton meant to miss
and some say that’s just a thing he told people
to make himself look good in case he shot wrong
but one thing is certain:
HAMILTON SHOT FIRST.
This was not an isolated incident, my friends.
I mean, Hamilton himself
was in TEN OTHER DUELS before this one
and the place where he got shot
hosted HUNDREDS of other duels
between trigger-happy assclowns
who had insulted each other at the theater
or splashed mud on each other from a carriage
or whatever other unforgivable insult
makes it okay to meticulously schedule a murder
just to preserve your self-esteem
and you know who did this more than anyone?
GOVERNMENT PEOPLE.
GO FIGURE.
Anyway, to this day
the guns that were used in that duel
are proudly displayed
at the headquarters of Chase Manhattan Bank
which is close enough to a temple, I guess
especially considering Hamilton’s whole bank thing.
Why tell you this story, dear reader?
To prove to you the simple truth
that politics
used to be WAY more satisfying.
THOMAS JEFFERSON IS A RADICAL MAN, BUYING RADICAL LAND
So George Washington gets to be president
it’s pretty cool
then he stops being president
which is even cooler
because he could have done it forever if he wanted
and it takes a pretty rad guy to give that all up.
But then everyone’s like “Aw snap
now we actually have to do that thing we said
where we peacefully transfer power to a new leader
ughhhhhhh
why can’t we just elect another godlike war hero?”
but no one can live up to G. Washington
so everyone is just like fuck it
and they elect John Adams
(who was George’s vice president)
as president
and Thomas Jefferson
(who fucking hates John Adams)
as vice president.
You see, back in the day
you didn’t get to pick your running mate
the vice presidency just went to the dude
who everybody liked the second most
and there are plenty of reasons
to like Thomas Jefferson the second most.
First of all, he LOVES revolutions
and everyone in America kinda does too
considering they just did one.
In fact, TJ is the (literally) radical dude
who wrote the first draft of the Declaration
and then got all pissy when people changed it
so he is even revolutionary among revolutionaries.
He’s also a fan of the Bill of Rights
(which is basically like the Ten Commandments
except it’s for governments instead of people
and there’s nothing in it about the Sabbath
/> and banging your neighbor’s wife is totally okay).
Also, Jefferson is tall
which counts for a lot in American politics.
But there’s also plenty to hate about Jefferson
especially if you’re John Adams.
See, John Adams is a big fan of England
with its tea
and its venerable monarchy
and Jefferson is a big fan of France
with its republican revolution
and its constant war with England.
John Adams is a fan of a strong central government
Jefferson thinks bloody local uprisings are hilarious
John Adams wants a central bank
Jefferson fucks his friends’ wives.
They’re like two wackily mismatched roommates
in the sitcom that shaped their entire country.
So while Adams tries to be a good president
Jefferson fucks off to his Virginia mansion
which is such a baller crib
that there’s a picture of it ON OUR MONEY
and when John Adams is done taking the blame
for literally every bad thing that happens
in the four years he is president
Jefferson shows up and is like “Hey, guys
vote for me
I am so much more radical than this guy.”
He gets elected pretty hard
and his vice president ends up being Aaron Burr
who is a shitty jerk who sucks
and goes on to murder Alexander Hamilton
(the founder of the first national bank)
and after that
everyone is like “Okay
maybe we should get to pick our own running mates.”
But anyway
when Jefferson becomes president
he suddenly gets WAY LESS RADICAL
well, okay, he stays kind of radical
but instead of using his radicalism
to undermine government powers at every turn
he uses his government powers
to just do crazy shit without asking anyone if it’s okay.
Like there are these Turkish sultans
and they are kidnapping American sailors
so Jefferson takes the navy
(which he told John Adams not to build)
sends it all to the Mediterranean
and then a week or so later
after it’s too late to do anything about it
he’s like “Hey, Congress
totally declared a war just now
oh, and look at that
looks like I just won it too.
How do you feel about that?”
and Congress is like “Oh, you.”
Also, he’s been banging one of his slaves
this WHOLE TIME.
He frees all the children they have
and he’s not technically cheating on his wife
since his wife is dead
and he does start paying her a salary
instead of just making her work for free
so he’s really not even banging his slave
he’s just banging his EMPLOYEE
WHO HE ALSO SORT OF OWNS.
This from the dude behind the Bill of Rights.
Nice, dog.
Nice.
But Jefferson is more than just a sex criminal
He’s also REALLY SUPER GREEDY.
See, America is fine right now
but the problem with it
is that it’s only slightly huge
and Jefferson wants to supersize that shit.
At this time, Spain owns a ton of land
out to the west of where the colonies are.
They haven’t even explored that shit
they just showed up and decided they owned it
it’s an awesome trick
you should try it some time.
But then Napoleon takes over France
(so much for republicanism)
and makes an alliance with Spain
and part of the alliance is
“I get to act like I own all that land in America.”
So Jefferson goes to Napoleon
and he’s like “Hey, bro
I hear you have a bunch of land.
I’m willing to give you a couple bucks for some of it”
and Napoleon
who is fighting wars with like everybody
and really needs money to keep doing that
is like “Sure, dude, take all of it
whatever, it’s not even really mine
I don’t know what’s in it or anything
and neither do you, so I dunno why you want it
but whatever, go nuts.”
This purchase straight-up DOUBLES U.S. territory
and it costs like four cents an acre.
It’s like if you had a house
and you went over to your neighbor’s house
and you were like “Hey, bra
kinda want your house
I will give you half of this old burrito for it”
and he was like “HELL YEAH
DO YOU WANT MY SWIMMING POOL TOO?”
So naturally everybody thinks Jefferson’s the shit
even though he had to use the central bank to do this
and he was originally opposed to the bank.
Whatever, land trumps morals
AS WE WILL LEARN AGAIN AND AGAIN.
His second term in office is hella boring though
and then later he retires
and even later he dies
on the FOURTH OF JULY
the same day as John Adams
who is so embarrassed about all the shit he gave him
that his last words are pretty much “Oh man
I wonder what Thomas Jefferson is up to.”
But you know what doesn’t retire or die?
DAT LAND.
I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this:
If folks are about to discover what a jerk you are
distract them with a large chunk of unmapped forest.
LEWIS AND CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN . . . NO, WAIT
So there are these dudes
Meriwether Lewis and Dan Clark or whatever
everyone just calls them by their last names
and then Thomas Jefferson is like “Guys
hey, guys
I just bought all this land from Napoleon
like way more than I need.
I have no idea what’s in it
could you guys go find out for me?
I will give you basically as much money as you want
plus
you will be FAAAAMOUS.”
He actually says this to Lewis first
because Lewis is a proven badass
who fought in wars and stuff
but Lewis knows he’s a loose cannon
so he’s like “Can I bring my bro Clark?
He’s way chiller than me.
He would be an ideal co-captain
and will probably come in handy
when I routinely wander way ahead of my guys
to hang out with my dog and look at cool bugs.”
And Jefferson is like “Yeah that sounds legit.”
So Lewis and Clark get a crew together
called the CORPS OF DISCOVERY
and they buy all the necessary supplies
including a ton of beef jerky and bullets
plus a HUGE SACK OF BLUE BEADS
because I should probably explain
Lewis and Clark’s mission has three parts:
1. Figure out how to get across America alive
2. Find as many cool bugs as possible
3. Make friends with all the natives
by giving them booze and shiny trash.
So they stock up on these beads
and by some crazy lucky coincidence
it turns out that for most of the native tribes
blue beads are like THE MOST SACRED BEADS.
They don’t want no red beads
they don’t want no black beads
they’re sorta “eh” about white beads
but blue beads?
THOSE ARE THE SHIT.
Dudes will straight-up trade anything for blue beads
horses
meat
wives
whatever
and Lewis and Clark are like “Ha ha ha
we got these beads from China for like nothing.
Savages, am I right?”
DUDES
YOU THINK GOLD IS MONEY
GOLD:
THAT SHINY YELLOW METAL
THAT YOU FOUND IN A HILL
AND IS TOO SOFT TO MAKE ANYTHING
EXCEPT CERTAIN KINDS OF WIRE
WHICH YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE
SO NOW WHO’S THE SAVAGES???
Anyway, these guys are not totally clueless
they hire some awesome translators and guides
like for example Sacagawea
who is married to this French fur trader
and seems to be the most stoic badass in the group
like, don’t get me wrong
everyone is dealing with hardship
but only Sacagawea is dealing with that hardship
WHILE BIRTHING A GODDAMN CHILD
and then raising the child
(plus translating, plus guiding)
and being so chill about it
that Lewis is pretty sure she’s actually a robot.
(Lewis is kind of a huge racist, by the way.)
Anyway they make it across the continent
they’re all very pleased with themselves
but then
OH NO
THEY RUN OUT OF BLUE BEADS
THEY DIDN’T PACK ENOUGH BLUE BEADS
GREAT JOB, DICKBIRDS.
YOU WERE LAUGHING TO YOURSELVES
ABOUT HOW CHEAP THEY WERE
SO WHY DIDN’T YOU BUY MORE HUH?
Anyway, this puts them in a tough spot.
They have to eat their horses
and their shoes
they have to chop up their boats for firewood
they have to haul ass back home before they die
and the whole time
Lewis is just going fucking crazy
because he REALLY wants to get home