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    The Enemies List

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      Anyone who refers to “the movement” and is not talking about bodily functions

      Anyone who observes, studies, analyzes, or dithers on about race, class, and gender

      And a special He-Has-Grown Prize to Mikhail Gorbachev Whew. You two don’t fool around, do you?

      “I am a Catholic priest: usually good-natured, and occasionally utterly exasperated,” writes the Reverend Dennis P. Lyden of Bellaire, Ohio. Herewith his causes of utter exasperation:

      The San Francisco Board of Supervisors

      Writers, producers, and cast of Fox’s 21 Jump Street and, come to think of it, the whole Fox operation

      Kurt Loder of MTV News

      MTV

      Writers, producers, and cast of ABC’s Head of the Class

      Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys

      Richard Gere

      Siskel and Ebert

      Sir Richard Attenborough

      NAMBLA

      Pittsburgh and Atlanta police departments

      Burt Lancaster

      Thomas Stoddard

      Producers of Folgers coffee commercials

      Writers, producers, and cast of CBS’s Kate & Allie

      Anyone yammering on about the “spirit of Vatican II”

      Liturgical commissions

      Peace and Justice offices

      Prince

      WOC (Women’s Ordination Conference)

      Garfield

      German, Dutch, and Belgian theologians

      Expurgators of “sexist” language in divine worship

      The administration of Georgetown University

      An anonymous correspondent from Eugene, Oregon, blacklists:

      Dwight Eisenhower: emeritus distinction

      Eleanor Roosevelt: ditto

      Jack Odell, Jesse Jackson’s foreign policy advisor who’s so Stalinist he couldn’t win an election in the Soviet Union

      Mary Hatwood Futrell

      Marian Wright Edelman: While we’re at it, anyone who uses three names merits further investigation.

      The National Civil Liberties Emergency Committee

      Victor Rabinowitz of same

      The sanctuary movement and its organ Basta!

      The Chicago Religious Task Force on Central America

      Its leaders, Renny Golden and Michael McConnell

      Prairie Fire

      Franklin Thomas, president of the Ford Foundation

      The Ford Foundation: Back in the original McCarthy days, the John Birch Society was wackily obsessed by the Ford Foundation, but since then the Foundation has grown into the job.

      Jonathan J. Cohen, living in the very belly of the beast in Brookline, Massachusetts, lashes out against:

      Marty Nolan

      Ellen Goodman

      Thomas Oliphant

      Charles Pierce, gonzo-radical sportswriter for the Boston Herald

      Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY)

      Ron Brown

      Witt-Thomas-Harris Productions (Golden Girls, Soap, etc.)

      Crosby, Stills, and Nash: Spare Neil Young because he’s Canadian

      People for the American Way

      The movie Old Gringo: Based on a Carlos Fuentes novel, with Jane Fonda and Gregory Peck—to die for, right?

      Woody Allen

      Rita Hauser

      The EPA

      Stanley Sheinbaum

      Anyone who signed those pro-Palestinian ads in the New York Times

      Lars-Erik Nelson and Jack Newfield of the New York Daily News: Would you believe it? Archie Bunker’s old paper has gone lefty.

      John S. Davidge of Binghamton, New York, denounces:

      Jessica Lange

      Robert Heilbroner

      Richard Goodwin

      Burke Marshall

      Henry Commager

      Cornell’s Department of African Studies

      The New Yorker

      Time

      Newsweek

      Rudolph Giuliani

      Richard Reeves

      Jimmy Breslin

      John Gofman

      Tim Wirth

      George McGovern

      Charles Schumer

      John Heinz

      Augustus Hawkins

      Susan Estrich

      Les Aspin

      Robert Byrd

      Aryeh Neier

      John K. Galbraith

      James K. Galbraith

      Henry L. Gates

      Bishop Paul Moore

      Peter Bradford

      Leonard Sand

      Sierra Club

      Friends of the Earth

      Lee Iacocca

      Frances Piven

      Clyde Prestowitz

      Jeff Faux

      Robert Reich

      Kronos Quartet

      Ali Mazrui

      Kathy Boudin

      Bernadine Dohrn

      Larry Davis

      Susan Tipograph

      Clarence Ditlow

      Joan Claybrook

      Russell Means

      Americas Watch

      The United Nations

      The World Bank

      Richard Bertovich of Eastlake, Ohio, is unhappy with:

      Ex.-Gov. Dick Celeste of Ohio

      Any politician who uses the term “Economic Justice”

      Debra Winger

      Hendrik Hertzberg

      Sorry that Richard feels this way, Rick, but you did go to work in the Carter White House.

      Keith J. Yoder of Meyersdale, Pennsylvania, castigates the following with a quote from musician Steve Taylor: “They’re so open-minded that their brains leaked out”:

      Sinead O’Connor

      Edie Brickell: would enjoy pushing her into deep water

      Peter Gabriel

      White Lion

      Megadeth

      Beach Boys: Reagan can be wrong.

      Cyril Scott

      The Grammy Awards ceremony

      Robert Schuller

      Ronald Sider

      Faye Wentworth

      Ron Reagan, Jr.

      Environmental Media Associates

      Better World Society

      New Group of World Servers

      Zero Population Growth

      The Congressional Black Caucus

      William C. Rice of Ann Arbor, Michigan, reviles:

      Capitol Steps

      Dr. Science

      Educational Testing Service

      Modern Language Association

      October magazine

      Warren Klofkorn of Manchester, Michigan, vilifies:

      The Consumer Product Safety Commission

      Marian Faupel, my ex-wife’s lawyer

      Pete Rose

      United Coalition Against Racism

      Ronald McDonald

      George Bush, for knuckling under to the anti-gun lobby

      Latter-day hippies

      The DEA

      And he finishes his list with this doozy—hold the calls, folks, we have a winner:

      Ann Arbor’s People’s Communist Lesbian Food Co-op

      Keith N. Dickey of Forest Hills, Maryland, censures:

      Sen. Claiborne Pell

      Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD)

      Any organization that has “freeze” or “nuclear” in its title

      SANE

      “Race Horse” Haynes

      Melvin Belli

      Suzy Pollok of Houston, Texas, pleads inclusion of:

      The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

      George M. Mellinger who refers to himself as a resident of “Minneapolis, People’s Republic of Minnesota,” rails against:

      Everyone named Fonda

      Anyone whose name is even similar to Fonda: With that family we can’t take any chances. Let God sort ’em out.

      The Mondale family

      Bob Dylan

      Joe Piscopo

      Neil Young: Canadian cultural imperialism!

      Mary Berry

      Ellerbee wannabe Andrea Mitchell

      Any Union of Concerned anybodies

      Any organization that is a “Friends of...”

      Nikolai Bukharin Fan Club President Stephen F. Cohen

     
    Al Warmington of Cleveland, Ohio, upbraids:

      The entire 185,000 members of the IRS

      Adlai Stevenson III

      Leon Trotsky: Dead, 1940, but we need the hatchet back, given our Defense Department’s dearth of Truly Threatening Anti-Marxist Death Machines

      Jason Levine, a lonely and beleaguered conservative student at Brandeis, a branch campus of Patrice Lumumba University, gets a little of his own back at:

      Lynn Samuels, New York City radio talk show hostess with the voice and sophistication of that city’s cab drivers

      Willard Scott: Don’t fat, bald men who get rated in the “Ten Most Sexy” surveys bug you too? [No, Jason, at age forty-two, the idea of bald, fat, and sexy does not bother me. And as long as Willard bugs Bryant Gumbel, he’s OK by me.]

      Amnesty International

      Jon Bon Jovi

      That poor man’s Berke Breathed, Doug Marlette

      The Whole Earth Catalog

      Oprah Winfrey, who could slim down even more if she would refrain from putting her foot in her mouth

      The Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade

      Gregory “I am not an American” Johnson, their stooge

      Rolling Stone (Sorry, P.J.!)

      Apology accepted, Jason. But, if I’m fired, can I crash at the dorm for a while?

      Joe Skilton of Portland, Oregon, reprehends:

      Jerry Brown

      Gerald “Jimmy and I are here to help” Ford

      A Chicago informant who shall remain nameless would ostracize:

      Ira Glasser

      Lou Palmer, columnist for the Chicago Defender

      The Chicago Defender

      ACT UP

      The Windy City Times, a gay Chicago newspaper

      ANC

      The Liguorian

      Planetary Initiative for the World

      We Choose, a New Age organization for world unity

      The Club of Rome

      All adherents of Harmonic Convergence

      The Institute for Critical Legal Studies at Harvard Law School

      Tom Wicker

      Political Science and Sociology Departments at the University of Wisconsin

      ABC, NBC, and CBS

      Vladimir Posner

      The Humanist

      Robert Sherman, head of the Illinois chapter of the American Atheists’ Society

      Deng Xiaoping

      FAIR (Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting)

      Harnet Pilpel

      Anyone who uses the phrase “chilling effect”

      Bob Guccione

      The Washington Post

      The Advocate

      U.S. District Court Judge Eugene Sand (re: alleged housing discrimination in New York)

      Former Senator William Proxmire

      CPUSA (Communist Party, USA)

      Communist Socialist Workers’ Party

      The People’s Daily World

      Hollywood, California

      The National Abortion Rights Action League

      Operation PUSH

      The Hemlock Society

      Dred Scott Tyler, of flag-treading fame at Chicago’s Art Institute

      The Episcopal Church

      The Brookings Institution

      Interfaith Center on Corporate Responsibility

      Committee for National Security

      The Peace Child Foundation

      Youth Project

      National Lawyers’ Guild

      Massachusetts Fair Share

      Illinois Public Action Council

      Council on Economic Priorities

      Economic Policy Institute

      Roger Stryeski of Roselle, New Jersey, says, “I have a list for a War Crimes Tribunal when the Free Enterprise Revolution comes”:

      The Department of Religious Studies at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill: They may not be pinko but any organization as unknown as they are has to be dangerous.

      Hogan Family, especially their knee-jerk comsymp shows on smoking and apartheid

      New Jersey Hospital Association, for assisting the state in converting failing community hospitals to failing socialized ones

      Charles Rose, newscaster

      “Cousin Brucie” Morrow just because he is a %$#9-wipe You’re wrong about Charlie Rose, Roger. I bumped into him not long ago at a Popeye’s Fried Chicken restaurant. No liberal eats Popeye’s fried chicken for lunch without an immediate fatal coronary.

      Anthony Esposito of Margate, Florida, keeps it brief and to the point:

      Sally Jessy Raphael

      Thomas Edwin Walker of La Porte, Texas, scolds:

      Bono

      “Bobcat” Goldthwait

      R.E.M.

      Molly Ivins

      Who’s another friend of mine, albeit a darned liberal one. I told you something like this would happen, Molly.

      David A. Stephens of Pecos, Texas, is very mad at:

      Frank Sesno

      Charles Beerbarrel [sic]

      Richard Simmons

      Media Pains in the Ass in general

      Any self-proclaimed scientist who lends his name to idiotic and flawed studies which advance his agenda: As someone with a bit of training in science it offends me deeply to have “Dr.” this and “Professor” that lending their names to something purely political—for example, that infantile nuclear winter model.

      Any organization with the words “Peoples’” or “Concerned” in its name

      Luddites

      Douglas Hurd

      François Mitterrand

      Helmut Kohl

      Leader of the German Greens Petra Kelly: If she wants to sit naked in the weeds and eat dandelions, let her.

      People who use locutions like “entitlement,” implying that others have a right to pick my pocket

      People who use “NativeAmerican”: What am I, a potted plant? I was born and reared in Texas.

      People who debase English by destroying words such as “prejudice” and “quality”

      Anyone whom W. S. Gilbert didn’t like, excepting Sir Arthur Sullivan

      People who produce commercials which scroll text on the screen and then read it to you

      People who don’t take free advice (in my case, on computers) but bang your ear anyway and then buy what the Radio Shack salesman says to

      Friends, or rather onetime friends, who invite you to a party and then you discover they’ve become “were [as in werewolf] Amways”

      People who chant, listen to, or produce any sort of rap whatsoever

      People who ask you the same question three times, thinking that you will interim become Enlightened and know the answer

      People who make commercials that show a dog eating and expect you to watch it with interest

      People who expect you to develop your cat’s palate

      People who market scented and printed toilet paper

      James A. Damask of Akron, Ohio, takes to task:

      Anyone who uses the word “bonding” in reference to anything except epoxy glue

      Anyone who uses the word “parenting”

      Anyone who uses the word “wellness”

      The entire cast of thirtysomething

      Anyone who uses the word “ethnocentric”

      Anyone who drives a car with a bumper sticker that reads, “You can’t hug a child with nuclear arms”

      Anything “New Age”

      Rep. Tom Sawyer (D-OH)

      Rep. Tony Hall (D-OH)

      Anyone who wears or otherwise affiliates his person with a “peace” sign

      Bookstores which carry Mother Jones, Pravda, and Soviet Life but not the American Spectator

      Anyone whose eyes gleam when he says “bran”

      The Philosophy Department at every state university

      The American Friends Service Committee

      The Central American Solidarity Association (CASA)

      Anything “Quaker” which ain’t oats

      Anyone who uses the word “dialogue” when talking about foreign policy

      Any female who uses the word “commitment”: Okay, they ain’t necessarily su
    bversive, but I don’t like them.

      Anyone who uses the word “compassion” when talking about foreign policy

      Anybody who compared the massacre of students in Peking to Kent State

      VH-1

      Anyone who uses the phrase “social justice”

      Tom Ealey of Findlay, Ohio, cavils at:

      United Methodist Bishops: any connection to the United Methodist Church is merely coincidental.

      Rep. Mary Rose Oakar (D-OH)

      and asks, “By the way, what is ’Tikkun’?” [Beats my pair of jacks, Tom. Wlady Pleszczynski snuck it into the list.]

      Dr. Dennis J. Doolin, who lives in Tokyo, deplores:

      Warren Beatty

      Sister Boom-Boom

      The entirety of Castro Street in San Francisco

      Everyone who orders “Perrier with a twist”

      Every reviewer who disliked Tom Wolfe’s The Bonfire of the Vanities

      Michael G. Smith, address unknown, looks askance at:

      Dr. Seuss

      Most people who call themselves “Dr.” but don’t practice medicine

      The Greenpeace mailing list

      Ralph Moyed, pinkish columnist for the Wilmington newspaper

      Denver, Colorado

      99 percent of college daily newspaper editors

      My ex-girlfriend, if her outlook hasn’t changed by the time she’s thirty

      Timothy A. Curry of Seattle, Washington, objurgates:

      Susan Brownmiller: for writing Against Our Will, the women’s movement’s Mein Kampf

      Carl Sagan and Jonathan Schell, purveyors of nuclear winter, the most important scientific theory since phlogiston, phrenology, and the Piltdown Man

      Tommy Smothers: Remember him telling brother Dick “Mom always liked you best”? Remember thinking Mrs. Smothers was no dummy?

      Ted Turner, the only known human capable of producing a documentary on the Soviet Union so smarmy that the KGB was moved to apologize for it

      Luke Asbury of Mill Valley, California, is steamed. He says, “You omitted”:

      Sen. Howard Metzenbaum (D-OH), the most vicious enemy the Bill of Rights has ever faced, with his criminally insane campaign to abolish Individual Freedom to defend one’s Person, Family, Home, and Country, and restrict firearm ownership to the Police State and the thugs

      “Also,” says Luke,

      The entire California legislature, mostly a pack of bumblewits and/or poltroons

      “And, sadly,” he continues,

      President George Bush, who broke his word and sided with the “Don’t Burn the Flag—Burn the Bill of Rights!” media dupes

      This is George’s second citation on the List (multiple mentions allowed because he’s a former Chief Executive). Maybe somebody in the White House should have a look at the effect President Have-Half had on the We-Ain’t-Taking-It part of his constituency.

     

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