God Went to Beauty School
by
Cynthia Rylant
Contents
God Went to Beauty School
God Got a Dog
God Got in a Boat
God Bought a Couch
God Made Spaghetti
God Went to the Doctor
God Got Arrested
God Woke Up
God Took a Bath
God Went Rollerblading
God Caught a Cold
God Saw a Movie
God Wrote a Book
God Got Cable
God Found God
God Climbed a Mountain
God is a Girl
God Has a Cousin
God Got a Desk Job
God Found Some Fudge
God Wrote a Fan Letter
God Went to India
God Died
About the Author
Other Books by Cynthia Rylant
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
GOD WENT TO BEAUTY SCHOOL
He went there to learn how
to give a good perm
and ended up just crazy
about nails
so He opened up His own shop.
“Nails by Jim” He called it.
He was afraid to call it
Nails by God.
He was sure people would
think He was being
disrespectful and using
His own name in vain
and nobody would tip.
He got into nails, of course,
because He’d always loved
hands—
hands were some of the best things
He’d ever done
and this way He could just
hold one in His
and admire those delicate
bones just above the knuckles,
delicate as birds’ wings,
and after He’d done that
awhile,
He could paint all the nails
any color He wanted,
then say,
“Beautiful,”
and mean it.
GOD GOT A DOG
He never meant to.
He liked dogs, He’d
liked them ever since He was a kid,
but He didn’t think
He had time for a dog now.
He was always working
and dogs needed so
much attention.
God didn’t know if He
could take being needed
by one more thing.
But He saw this dog
out by the tracks
and it was hungry
and cold
and lonely
and God realized
He’d made that dog
somehow,
somehow He was responsible
though He knew logically
that He had only set the
world on its course.
He couldn’t be blamed
for everything.
But He saw this dog
and He felt bad
so He took it on home
and named it Ernie
and now God
has somebody
keeping His feet warm at night.
GOD GOT IN A BOAT
And said “Wow.”
He’d never actually
floated in a boat, though
He’d seen people
out on the water and
told Himself He’d have
to try that someday.
Water had always bored Him
until He started seeing
people having fun on it.
So one day He got in a boat,
said Wow,
and headed out across the lake.
And the whole world looked different.
He couldn’t get over it.
It didn’t look anything like
it looked from the sky
or from the ground
or even from inside a whale,
which He’d tried once or twice.
He sat in the boat
and was surprised how
much sense it all made.
All the little houses
and all the green trees
and all the tidy cities
and all the sky and all the land,
it all made sense.
He was surprised.
Because, really,
He’d just been winging it.
GOD BOUGHT A COUCH
He ordered it from Pottery Barn
and He had a little trouble
because His credit card
billing address didn’t match
the delivery address.
They weren’t totally convinced
He was God.
Because for one thing
He got His credit card
bills in Hell
(just His quirky
sense of humor)
and He wanted the
couch shipped to Heaven
(the old one was too hard),
but they didn’t buy it
until He told them
how He made the first
rhinoceros.
He had it all down,
the DNA, the chromosomes,
and especially the
Holy Spirit.
Nobody is as convincing
about the Holy Spirit
as God.
They asked Him did
He want corduroy or leather.
He said, “What do
you think?”
GOD MADE SPAGHETTI
And He didn’t have a ceiling
so He tried to make it stick
to Jupiter
but that just
vaporized the noodle
so God decided to
HAVE FAITH it was cooked
al dente.
He filled up a big bowl
and got Himself a
piece of sourdough
and a copy of
The New Yorker
and God
had supper.
And He would actually
have liked somebody
to talk to
(He didn’t like eating alone),
but most people
think God
lives on air
(apparently they’ve not noticed
all the food He’s created),
so nobody ever
invites him over
unless it’s Communion
and that’s always
such a letdown.
God’s gotten used
to one plate at the table.
He lights a candle
anyway.
GOD WENT TO THE DOCTOR
And the doctor said,
“You don’t need me,
you’re God.”
And God said,
“Well, you’re pretty good
at playing me,
I figured you’d
know what the
problem was.”
So the doctor
examined Him.
He couldn’t find
anything wrong
except a little
skip in God’s heart.
“Probably nothing,”
he told God.
“But eat more fish.”
God sighed.
He was hoping
for more than that.
Maybe an antibiotic.
Or a shot.
He knew about that
skip in His heart.
He knew it was nothing
fish would cure.
The skip had started way back,
when He first heard
that some people
didn’t believe in Him.
It scared Him. Still does.
GOD GOT ARRESTED
But they didn’t
know it was Him
because He had on
His disguise.
It was His guy-disguise.
He was actually
pretty proud of it.
It had a tattoo
around the belly button
(which hurt!).
Anyway, He got arrested
because He got
into a fight in a bar
when somebody said
something about
Jesus Christ except
not in a good way
at all.
Might as well have
insulted God’s mother
(now that’s a whole
other story), because
God—who was only there
because He liked
the jukebox—
lost it.
And his anger erupted like
the wrath of…
Oh, right. Never mind.
Just be careful
dropping names
in Kenny’s Tavern.
Might be next to a relative.
GOD WOKE UP
And He was groggy
so He got a nice cup of coffee
and went to sit
under an apple tree.
He sat there
drinking His coffee,
listening to the birds,
when all of a sudden
it hit Him.
He was happy.
God was happy!
And He wished there
was just someone to see it.
He’d gotten such a bad rap
all these years
for being pissed off
all the time.
And He really wasn’t.
Maybe a little cranky.
But here He was,
happy.
Mellow yellow.
The birds were singing
and He was at peace.
Buddha told Him it
could be this way,
but He’d never really
believed it until now.
Life really was easier,
sitting under a tree.
GOD TOOK A BATH
With His clothes on.
His robe, to be specific.
Why did He do this?
He was shy,
that’s why.
A little self-conscious
about His body.
God wasn’t always
this way.
He used to be free as a bird,
running stark naked
everywhere.
He never thought
about bodies at all.
Then these things
started coming back to Him:
The whole misunderstanding
with Adam and Eve.
Then circumcision.
Then talk talk talk
of everybody being made
in His image.
Until He got afraid
to look in a mirror.
Everybody had such
high expectations
and now He was
a little insecure.
Could be He was flabby.
Love handles on God
would have to be huge.
So He kept His robe on.
GOD WENT ROLLERBLADING
He loved it.
He wasn’t very good at it.
He fell twenty times.
But God always
bounces back.
“Cool!” said God
as He whooshed
past the old ladies.
He felt
invincible.
(He knew He was
invincible
but He didn’t
always feel that way.
Not every day.)
God made some other
friends on
Rollerblades.
God thought
they were
way cool.
He was proud
of them.
Proud that they
flew their spirits
down the alleys
and the boardwalks
and the streets
like angels.
They were, you know.
And they
hadn’t forgotten.
GOD CAUGHT A COLD
And He was such a baby.
He never caught colds.
He loved to brag about it.
And now here He was:
snot nosed.
It’s hard to be
authoritative
with a cold.
It’s hard to
thunder
“THOU SHALT NOT!”
when it comes out
“THOU SHALT DOT!”
Nobody takes Him
seriously.
And besides,
He wanted some comic books
and juice
and somebody to be
nice to Him.
He called up His
old friend
Mother Theresa.
He asked her to
come over and see Him.
He asked could she
bring some comic books.
And of course she did.
Mother Theresa loves
all who suffer.
Even God.
Maybe Him a little more.
GOD SAW A MOVIE
And it made Him cry and cry.
He couldn’t get over it.
He’d seen all the worst
stuff in real life.
But this just
knocked Him out.
He was mystified.
He decided to go
find the guy
who wrote the film.
He did,
and He looked into his heart.
Normal heart.
He decided to go
find the guy
who directed the film.
He did,
and He looked into his heart.
Normal heart.
Then He went to see
the guy who did the music.
Sure enough: normal heart.
Then He went to see
the producer.
He asked him why normal hearts
had made God cry.
And the producer said,
“It’s a mystery.”
Well. God understood that.
He didn’t go looking for
anybody else.
Just went home and cried.
GOD WROTE A BOOK
No, not that one.
Everybody thinks He
wrote that one,
but He didn’t.
He’s a better writer
than that.
Those guys just
went on and on
and did they
bother to edit?
No.
But wouldn’t you know,
you mention a name
and you’re in.
So they said,
“I didn’t write it,
God wrote it.”
A sure way
to get out of revising.
But God wrote
His own book.
He wrote it for
one little boy.
Just one.
He read it to the boy
at bedtime
because the boy couldn’t sleep.
So God read him a book.
The boy grew up. He became a writer.
Which one?
Not telling.
GOD GOT CABLE
And for a week
watched nothing but.
Didn’t see the comet.
Didn’t see the hurricane.
Missed that baby
being born entirely.
Just watched cable.
Funny thing is,
He liked it.
He knew He wasn’t
supposed to.
All those girls
crying about their
boyfriends.
All those track meets.
All that
soap and toothpaste.
He liked it.
Couldn’t help it.
Then Gabriel came
over with a deck of cards
and next thing you know,
they’ve played poker
four weeks straight.
Gabriel’s beard nearly
as long as God’s
and corn chips all over the place.
And what God decided was that
he liked not cable,
not poker,
but a break.
Every now and then,
even God needs a break.
GOD FOUND GOD
It was the weirdest thing.
God got all religious
on Himself.
He was looking for
something to do
so He went into this
church in Boston.
One of those churches
from the 1800s that
likes to consider
itself old.
(This always gives
God a good laugh.)
And He was all by Himself
and it was quiet
like you wouldn’t believe,
and up to the sky
went these beautiful rafters,
and all around Him
were these beautiful stained glass windows
and everybody was praying.
All the people in the pictures,
all the statues,
all the angels in the room,
were praying.
God knew better than to look
at any of the crosses.
He was still trying to figure
that all out.
But He knew that He
had actually found a Holy Place.
So He dropped a coin in the
Building Fund box, before He went away.
GOD CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN
And not just any mountain.
Mount Everest.
And you know why?