I could do an apprenticeship or something
like my aunt Helen
who works as a hairdresser on a cruise ship.’
But
the thing is,
it doesn’t matter what I want,
how smart I am
or what results I get –
people like me
never get out
of places
like this.
HANDS
When I exit Bicep Andy office,
Jess is there again,
sitting in plastic chair.
She wait for to meet Dawn.
My body goes wobbly.
‘All right?’ she say.
‘I all right,’ I say.
‘Crap this, innit?’ Jess say.
‘Suck job,’ I say.
Jess does laughing.
‘Suckest job ever,’ I say.
‘Exactly.’
‘You want chocolate button?’ I ask.
‘I’ll have two,’ Jess say.
Jess looking gloom.
I sit down.
‘What is matter?’ I ask.
‘Nothing,’ she say.
‘Tell to me.’ I friendly punch her.
‘Just leave it, Nicu.’
I want to find her world,
to see what she see,
to pain with her pain.
Most of all
I want my hand to touching hers,
but I just
leave it.
Why Won’t He?
I can’t persuade him
to even take one drag
of my fag
and
it sort of pisses me off sometimes
that he won’t do it,
that he won’t keep me company.
‘You’re such a baby,’ I say,
which is a bit weak,
but it’s cos I don’t really know
how to insult someone
who has his
own mind.
THE WRESTLER
After park workings
my bones are exhaust,
my back is shatter
and
my stomach sing for Mămică’s soup stew.
I thank all gods we have
only one week to finishing.
This work make me never stealing from any shop
ever.
When I coming in my home
I don’t smell Mămică’s soup stew,
or
hear clatter of cooking.
My belly rolls with groans.
Out of the nowhere,
laughing hit my ears.
Mămică and Tata.
Mămică and Tata
in living room.
Alone.
Laughing.
Alone.
Noising.
Sexing?
I freeze to my spot,
and I wanting so much that black hole
swallow me up.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
‘Nicu!’ Tata shout.
I schtum it.
‘Nicu!’ Mămică shout.
My breath schtum.
‘Nicu, come here,’ Tata shout again.
‘We want to show you something.’
My heart almost schtums too.
‘Nicu, get your arse in here,’ Tata say in louder voice
because he think
I am far.
On my enter all is
OK.
I see them looking at
Tata’s phone,
bodies together, eyes watching, faces sunny.
‘Look, Nicu,’ Mămică say, ‘look what we found on Tata’s phone.’
‘It’s from last year,’ Tata say.
‘You look much younger,’ Mămică say.
‘But strong as a bison,’ Tata say.
Over shoulders
I look also the phone and see it.
See me.
Body low.
Head up.
Feet wide.
Ready to do classic takedown move.
‘You could have been a proper champion,’ Tata say.
‘A national champion,’ Mămică say.
‘An Olympic champion,’ Tata say. ‘First famous Gabor ever.’
And I was dreaming this too
long times ago.
Gold,
silver
or
bronze.
Any of three.
But dreams flutter high in air.
Bye-bye
wrestling butterfly.
Hello
husband.
Looking for an Excuse
I won’t miss Dawn, or Bicep Andy
or any of the navel-gazing crap
they make us do here.
But I hate it ending
cos,
like,
how am I gonna find an excuse to be
with Nicu?
PARTY
Fiona
Bill
Rick
Jade
Jess
Lee
me
everyone say see you laters in shed.
So much noise,
laughing,
piss-take,
smoking.
I not understanding chat banter
but I understanding
the happy face on guys
for
final day of youth offender work.
In shed party
Fiona and Jade sink cider,
Bill and Rick spark roll-up,
Lee pump tunes from iPhone.
Me and Jess
share good time
conversation.
When Terry Is Out
I find one of
Terry’s old phones hidden
at the back of his wardrobe
and watch
through films I helped make.
Pan shot of the living room:
TV, sofa and sideboard.
A normal enough flat until
there’s the
zoom shot of Mum screaming –
then
cut to
Terry laughing and kicking,
his fists flying
and
my
voiceover saying quietly,
‘Please stop, Terry.
Please stop.’
Finally it
fades out.
He’s telling Mum
what set him off,
and she’s saying sorry
again
and again
and again.
My finger hovers over the delete button,
but I don’t do it.
I can’t.
I put the camera back in its hiding place
and
go out to look for Nicu,
who isn’t anywhere.
He can’t always be there
and I shouldn’t
expect him to be.
PHOTOGRAPHS
There is
X
in calendar
in big, thick pen.
When we have
wedding day
celebration.
On coffee table
they spreading photo of marriage girls
night
after
night.
I will need
all my skills for
wrestling out of damn situation.
See,
they want me to tell who I pick.
I can’t to tell.
And
I can’t to tell Jess.
Falling
It’s the first free Saturday for three months.
And I don’t have to,
but I spend it with Nicu
on a patch of grass
behind his flats.
He won’t stop messing around,
making faces,
telling jokes,
and then he
unlaces his right t
rainer,
does the same with my left.
I don’t shoo him away
or smack the back of his hand.
I watch
as he ties our laces together,
binds us.
‘Up! Come with me,’ he says,
and tries to stand,
but of course he can’t
cos
I stay sitting like a stone
with my eyebrows raised,
being as cool as I can.
‘Bit old for three-legged races,
aren’t we?’
‘Come. I want to try,’ he says,
so I stand,
finally,
our legs pressed up against each other.
He throws one arm around my shoulder.
‘For to balancing,’ he says.
I put my arm around his shoulder too.
And we shuffle,
his left foot forward
my right foot forward,
then
my left and his right together.
We walk slowly,
awkwardly,
laughing and on the
verge of falling.
We don’t get far.
But we do manage to move.
We do get
somewhere
tied together like that.
DOUBLE OH SEVEN
On Internet I see the old film of James Bond.
This spy man have all he want:
the girls,
the fashions,
the cars.
I practise my James Bond,
chatting up ladies
in front of mirror.
Hi there, girl, would you care to share cocktail drink?
Do you like to be in my car?
Can I unzipping your garment?
Then I change,
I am special agent
Nicu Gabor
and I imagine asking to Jess:
Do you like to be in my pleasure?
Can you show me to your world?
Would you enjoy dating day with me?
This final question is what I will ask to Jess.
No Answer
My phone
pings.
Wanna go 4 a Macky Ds l8r
wiv me, Shawna + Liz?
Meg xxxxxx
A few months ago
I would’ve said
YES.
Now I don’t even bother answering.
I text Nicu.
ICE NATION
When Mămică and Tata tell to me about
all the peoples who will be gifting me
presents for wedding,
I have great fear.
I think that one day
I will returning from school to become
Victim of Kidnap Plot.
Hood on head.
Gag in mouth,
taken away to old place for to be
meeting and married to
stranger.
I know that this will happen.
I know I have not the power to stop.
But.
I need Jess.
I must to make her my
only and one.
It is essential for offer myself to her.
First to be date partner.
Second to take my heart:
for Jess to be my kidnapping.
Sometimes
I wanna say to Nicu,
‘I’m way out of your league,’
or
‘Look at me, and look at you,’
but I don’t.
And I’m not sure why.
GOOD FUN TIMES
The day I ask to Jess is like
World War III
in my chest.
I am too much shitting my bricks.
‘Tell me you’re having a laugh, Nicu?’ Jess say.
‘I not laughing, Jess. I dead serious.’
‘What, like a real date?’ she say.
‘It will be nicest of days,’ I say.
‘With me?’ Jess say, looking with her demanding eyes.
‘We will have good fun times.’
‘Suppose so.’
‘Proper dating. In night-time,’ I say.
I swear Jess eyes
fill with the
tears.
She kick stones,
small,
big,
bigger,
away into the distance.
‘And I like your gorgeous physical,’ I say,
because all the girls need knowing this.
‘That’s sweet.’
‘So we go on night date then?’ I say.
‘We can go out at night,’ she say. ‘But it is not a date.’
WE CAN GO OUT!
I want to
jump,
cheer,
whoop.
Sit on nine clouds.
Jess
say
YES.
‘I thinking Burger King
or
greasy spoon,’ I say,
because these are
English date places.
‘No,’ Jess say. ‘Let’s do something better.’
I swallow grenade.
Does Jess meaning that we do …?
That we should to …?
That we …?
‘Let’s go up Ally Pally,’ she say.
‘Ally Pally?’
‘Alexandra Palace.
They’ve got a massive ice rink there.
Can you skate?’
‘Yes.’
I tell white
little lie.
Effort
I don’t wear much make-up usually,
can’t be bothered with bright lipstick or thick eyeliner
that all the other girls go for.
I never normally wear perfume.
But I do today
because I’m going out with Nicu.
And I don’t want him to
think
I didn’t make an effort.
ONE BOY FALLING
On bus to Ally Pally
I can smelling my Tata’s
man-splash
that I tap on
cheek and chin.
My date clothes have condition washing,
and my
special occasion leather jacket
make me handsome man.
Jess smell of
summer day in lovely garden.
She have skinny jeans,
red lips,
black lines under eyes,
hair like the girl band.
Bus people stare
because she is complete
wow vision.
We don’t do much speaking on bus.
We staring at world outside.
The skating is not graceful romance like Olympics.
Music DJ plays
doof
doof
doof!
Lights flash
red,
green,
blue.
‘Hey, guys, welcome to Ice Nation!’ DJ shout.
Boys, girls, dates, friends, gangs
ferocious fly in their skates,
zip zoom.
Ice spraying every place.
I hold on to side.
‘I thought you could skate?’
Jess saying with snigger.
‘It is different ice in Romania.’
I fall
five,
ten,
double ten
times.
My clean clothes and leather
get
wet.
Jess does whoosh circle alone
and backways skate too.
She could be professional ice woman.
I leave holding side
and bang my bum arse.
‘Come on,’ she say with hands out to me.
I reach for her.
She slide closer.
We touch
fingers.
Fingers become chain link.
They snake.
We touch
hands.
No …
We hold hands.
And the electric
flows
between our skin,
bones,
bodies.
We make three big circle around rink
with hands holding –
always holding –
and it’s the most
magic amazing minutes of
my life.
I want so many more.
And
more.
Same as You
A few days after Ally Pally,
after skating around the rink like
happy
kids at Christmas,
Nicu and I meet near the Tube station
and I tell him exactly what to do.
‘You watch them coming through
the barrier,
and if they put a ticket in
and it
pops out
again,
it’s probably a Travelcard,
and that’s what we want.
You understand what I’m saying?’
He nods. ‘I understand, Jess.’
‘Good.
Then, just as they get out of
the station,
you ask if they’ve finished with the card
cos you have to get to Holloway
to see your sick dad or whatever.
You get me?’