he’s a human being
her friends giggle
until she tells them
he’s only in Grade 6
Mum watches us
playing with Chocker
says Josh can stay
for dinner
Josh seems to like
being at the table
making noise with us
it’s as if he’s
one of the family.
he says, ‘we’re not really
moved in properly yet’
I’ll say –
boxes stacked in the lounge
not much in the kitchen
Josh’s mum is always
at work
everything echoes
his room is pretty empty too
bed
wardrobe
plastic drawers for clothes
but one whole wall
is covered with
posters
pictures
magazine articles
about his dad.
Josh knows everything
about his dad –
race results
car statistics
mechanical team
pit crew
last race
next race
big crash last year
he talks like an encyclopedia
all about Alex Carter
a really proud encyclopedia
when he asks about
my dad
I realise
I hardly know anything at all
not even where Dad
went to school
and I wonder if
any kid does.
finally I meet her
rushing into the house
red-faced
pizza in one hand
she’s wearing a uniform
from some big shop
kicks off her shoes
says, ‘I’m exhausted’
and lies on the couch
Josh looks at her
like he’s waiting
for something
that never comes.
Josh is my mate now
I’m not so lonely
he’s fun to be with
talks too much
but I don’t mind
he likes it at our house
but I don’t like it much
at his
so I do what he wants
even when
I’d rather not
we’re always moving –
shops, city, streets –
in my head
I call him
the Street Roamer
it’s like no place
is ever enough
for his restless feet.
Josh is always bored
his mum works
he wants to hang out
at the shopping centre
or catch the train
into the city
he always wants me
to go with him
but Mum and Dad
say no
Josh says, ‘stop asking –
say you’re at my house –
they’ll never know.’
Josh’s dad races
in Europe
so Josh gets news
off the internet
and prints race photos
to show us
him and me talk
race statistics
compare cars and drivers
race tracks
weather reports
race records
his dad’s not the best driver
but he’s pretty good
I imagine one day
being in his team
Josh makes my dream
seem real.
Josh says it’s easy
look at lots of stuff
pick one thing
for your pocket
and one small thing
to buy
count your money
at the checkout
look serious
then relieved
when you have enough
for the small thing
leave with your receipt
and what you really want
inside your jacket
easy.
Josh strolls out
of the shop
around the corner
he shows me
what he stole –
footy cards
I say, ‘but
you don’t even like
that team’
he shrugs
‘who cares?
I’ll give them away’
I don’t get it.
he says
it’s my turn
and my guts
roll over
I try to walk like him
cool
no stress
chilled out
my legs shake
I stare at the cars
for long, endless minutes
touch the red MG
I really want it
it’s cold
under my fingers
I walk out
I can’t do it.
‘so, what did you get?’
his eyes pin me
like a bug
I squirm
‘um … nothing …
sorry’
‘you’re kidding’
he shakes his head
mutters ‘gutless’
and walks away
I follow although
I don’t know why.
Josh decides
it’s no big deal
‘you’ll do it
one day’
he’s sure I need
to build up to it
like I’m in training
apprentice thief
but I already know
it’s not going to happen
it’s not about guts
it’s about me.
I ask him why
he steals
for fun?
for a dare?
he says it’s not fair
he can’t have
whatever he wants
like rich people do
I say, ‘but
you are rich,
your dad earns
heaps of money’
his face turns hard
his eyes glitter
I step back
I think he’s going to
hit me.
he stays mad at me
for a while
then suddenly
we’re OK again
but I’m not so sure
it’s like he’s got
two sides
happy and cool/
angry and mean
I can’t stop
thinking about it
wondering which side
is real
which side is
the act.
I dream I’m a mechanic
on Josh’s dad’s car
race time
on a very hot day
my pit crew suit
is soaked with sweat
the car’s not running right
I’m under the bonnet
with a screwdriver
sweating
while Josh yells at me
‘you have to fix it!
you have to!’
my hands shake
the bonnet crashes down
on my head
I wake up
and I’m still sweating.
when I get home from school
Mum says,
‘I want to talk to you’
she’s got that
don’t-mess-with-me
look on her face
I want to hide
in my room
pull the blankets
over my head –
does she know
about the shoplifting
>
I haven’t done yet?
‘your Aunty Sue
saw you
in the city
last weekend –
why did you lie
about where you were?’
what do I say?
do I dob Josh in?
I try to say
‘it’s no big deal’
and she snaps,
‘it is to me’
I shrug
she glares
‘well?’
‘I had to help Josh
buy … new runners
for school …
it was … we had to …’
I never was
any good
at lying
and Mum knows it.
ten more questions
and Mum is still
mad at me
‘if being friends
with Josh
means lying to me
maybe you need
to re-think
that friendship’
I can’t
answer her –
if she stops me
being friends with Josh
I’ll have
no one.
I’m grounded
for two weeks
Josh doesn’t
understand
he says,
‘then I’ll come
to your house’
and laughs
he doesn’t know
my mum
Dad frowns
mutters to Mum about
‘spending more time with him’
I hope
that doesn’t mean
jogging time.
Josh comes over
after school and
sneaks out before
Mum gets home.
one day I ask him
when is his dad
coming home and
how come he never writes
or emails?
I don’t mean anything by it
I’m just curious
but Josh loses it again
big time
throws my V8 Holden
against the wall
‘you’re just stupid!’
he yells, and
storms out.
I wish I’d kept
my big mouth shut
what if he never
talks to me again?
I feel sick inside
play with Chocker
try to watch TV
my brain spins
Leanna says
‘your mate Josh
is a bit weird –
what’s his problem?’
then I calm down
and wonder
what is wrong with Josh?
I didn’t really
say anything that bad –
why was he so angry?
at school the next day
Josh ignores me
he acts like
I’ve got a disease
now I’m starting to
get mad with him
is he a friend
or isn’t he?
I hear him bragging
about his dad again
to some of the kids
and suddenly it sounds
strange to me
like he’s an actor
in a play
spouting lines
he’s learned by heart.
one part of me says
don’t
another part says
you have to
I search on the internet
go past the fan sites
promo sites
advertising and
wrong family trees
way down I find
a photo of Alex Carter
and his wife
taken last year
that says they’ve decided
not to have kids
because of the travelling
and the woman
in the picture
is not Josh’s mum.
I click through
all the websites
I can find
reading fast
recognising
everything Josh told us
even the Silverstone story
not Josh but
some kid who won the ride
in a competition
quotes from Alex Carter
that Josh said
his dad told him
a fan site where I find
Alex Carter’s favourite
food
colour
movies
everything a kid would need
to make up
a dad.
I stare at the screen
until my eyes blur
but I will not cry
because
he’s not worth it
Dave was worth it
Dave was a real friend
Dave never
told lies
what am I going to do?
I want to go
to Josh’s house
and beat him up
I want to hold
his face in the dirt
make him say sorry
a million times
I want to make him
confess
in front of
the whole school
I never want
to see him again.
I can’t sleep
thrash around
in my bed
finally drop off
when I wake
I find
I’m not so mad
anymore
I find
what I really want
is to know why
then I’ll beat him up.
as soon as he opens the door
he knows
I know
he wants to slam the door
in my face
but he doesn’t
he stands there
drooping
like all the cool
has drained away
I march in
straight to his room
pull the Alex Carter poster
off the wall
sit on his bed
and wait.
Josh rushes into his room
‘you don’t know
anything!’ he yells
his mouth all twisted
I stare him out
wait
he picks up the poster
rips it to pieces
tears streak his face
is he going to
hit me?
but it’s like a wind
that roars past you
then suddenly dies down
he slumps on the floor
he can’t look at me
when the silence
gets too big
I ask,
‘why?’
he says,
‘I never meant …’
starts again,
‘your dad …’
and again,
‘I just wanted …’
he’s trying hard
not to cry again
I’m trying hard
to stay angry
but he looks
how I felt
when I heard
about Dave.
I ask,
‘who’s your
real dad?
where is he?’
Josh says,
‘I don’t know’
‘how can you
not know?’
‘he left us
when I was
a baby’
‘you mean
you’ve never
seen him?’
‘no’
‘so why did you say
Alex Carter
was your dad?’
he shrugs
‘same name’
‘that’s not a rea
son’
‘it’s how it started –
I was just wishing’
his chin trembles
‘and then
it got bigger
and bigger’
I point at the wall
of photos and articles
‘but it’s all
rubbish’
‘I just wanted
a dad’
tears roll down
his face
that I don’t want
to see.
Josh runs
out of the room
and for a few moments
I am still
so mad
I want to walk away
then I think about
my dad
how he always asks
me to do stuff
I don’t want to do
but at least
he asks
how he’s there
when life is crap
or when I have
a question
how we go to
the footy together
how he helps me
with homework
how when Dave died