TableofContents
Cover
Introduction
CHAPTER1:GettingStarted
KeepItSimple,Stupid
BeforeYouTakeYourFirstStep,AskYourselfWhyYou'reMoving
EverybodyNeedsSomeBillySometimes
CHAPTER2:WorkEthic
NatureversusNurture
GettingtoKnowFear
TheWestWingExperience
NobodyWalksontheHill!
CHAPTER3:Performance,Anxiety,andInstinct
TwoSidesoftheSameCoin
YouCanTaketheKidOutoftheBlackBox…
Doesn'tTakeMuchtoBeKnockedOffCourse
ThereAreHitShows…andThereAreHitsinShows
Instincts:TrustYourGut
CHAPTER4:DisciplineandTraining
TheGameIsWonorLostBeforeYouEvenTaketheField
BuySpeed
IfYou'reGonnaTalktheTalk,YaGottaWalktheWalk
TheRightWayIstheWaythatWorksforYou
CHAPTER5:Risk
ConquerorDie
Don'tTakeItPersonally,TakeItProfessionally
WhatGoesUpMustComeDown
Free-fallin'
CHAPTER6:Perseverance
PerseveranceIsforEveryone
SometimesLifeIsGoingtoPancakeYou
IsYourBiggestBreakaFewDoorsDowntheHallway?
CHAPTER7:Reframing
It'sNottheCanvas,It'sWhatYouSeeintheCanvas
There'sNoBusinessLikeShowBusiness
OutofWork?StartaPodcast!
CHAPTER8:Surrender
TheArtofFightingWithoutFighting
The“AllIsLost”MomentIsNotOnlyinMovies
GrownMenShouldn'tPunchWalls
TakeYourMedicineandtheCureWillFindYou
CHAPTER9:Transformation
TheCaterpillar,theCocoon,andtheButterfly
ThereAreNoSmallParts,OnlySmallActors
ACobbled-Together“Career”
BreathinginRarefiedAir
CHAPTER10:Leadership
YouCan'tHave LeadershipWithout Relationships
Don'tBeaGrinch:Serve
Humility:Next-LevelLeadership
Delegating:TheArtofGettingHelp
BigStarDoesNotMeanOversizedEgo
CHAPTER11:MeditationandRelaxation
WelcometotheNewAge
BeingaStraight-AStudentIsOverrated
“YouAreEnough”
CHAPTER12:BeliefandFaith
Don'tBetheGuy(orGal)WhoWokeUponThirdBaseThinkingHeHitaTriple CreateYourOwnSystemforGratitude
WhyNotMe?
LosingtheBattlebutWinningtheWar
KeepYourOwnScorecardandStartwithEasyWins
YouDon'tNeedaScorecardtoKnowIfYouWonorLost
CHAPTER13:TheSubconscious
Dreamwork
AHollywoodNightmareofSelf-Sabotage
Chapter14:JustBeaGoodPerson
LivetheGoldenRule
NiceGuysDon'tAlwaysFinishLast
Chapter15:FocusandSingularity
ToCatchaRabbit,YouCanOnlyChaseOneataTime
ToBBQorNottoBBQ?ThatIstheQuestion
MyVeryUnsexyManhattanApartment
“AllThatMattersIsThatF*ckin'Box”
CHAPTER16:FacadeversusReality
Don'tBelievetheHype
BeyondtheFacadeoftheRedCarpet
I'veFinallyMadeIttoThatCityonaHill
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
Index
EndUserLicenseAgreement
“ThisbookisachanceforpeopletobenefitfromthehumanityandwisdomMattDelNegrohasacquiredby grindingthroughhisown 10,000NOsforsolong.Hisvaluefarexceedshisart.Histalentisonlyoutweighedby hishumilityandabilitytoconnectwithothersandmakethemfeelbetterabouttheirownjourney.”
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Deirdre,forstandingbywhenthe“no”sfeltheaviest DonovanandBronwyn,mayyouneverletthecriticcount
Everyoneelse,forhelpingandencouragingmetokeepgoing
Introduction
Ihadcoffeerecentlywithaverysuccessfuldocumentaryfilmmakerfriend.Thefeaturedocumentaryhemadeafew yearsagowontheSundanceFilmFestivaldocumentarycompetitionandsoldforalotofmoney.Thenextonehe madewasalsoquitelucrative,whichisnoeasyfeatforadocumentaryfilm.Hismostrecentfilm,however,didnot immediatelyfindworldwidedistributionthewaytheothershad,sohereachedouttometosharethenewsandtalk throughhisfrustratedfeelingsonthematter.WhenIrealizedtheintentofhiscoffeemeetingrequestIsaid,“Wow,I guessIreally amaRejectionExpert,huh?”Helaughedbeforeexplainingthathehadn'tcalledmebecauseofmy ownpunishingtrackrecord.Itwasjustthathisverysupportivewife,whoisnotinourindustry,didnothavethe comparableexperienceofseeingtwoyearsofworkdeflateinfrontofhereyesduetothechangingtidesofopinion.
Andhisfellowdocumentaryfilmmakerfriendsweresomewhatincompetitionwithhim,sotheymightnot completelycommiserate.ItwasatthispointthatIfullyrealizedtheneedforthisbook.
Thisbookwillchangeyouasmuchasyouletit.Itwillnot“solve”yourlifeortellyouhowtoturnevery“no”intoa
“yes.”Butit willcrackopenmorequestionsanddeepenyourquestforsuccessifyouallowit.Itdoesnotcontain magic,justtruth.Itshedslightonmanyoftheprinciplessomanyofushaveponderedforyears:perseverance, performance,workethic,risk,belief,hope,faith.Ifocusthechaptersinthisbookontheseprinciplesaswellason gettingstarted,instinct,disciplineandtraining,reframing,surrender,transformation,leadership,meditationand relaxation,thesubconscious,beingagoodperson,andfacadeversusreality.Sometopicsandchaptersoverlapas theyareinterrelated,andallpresentreal-worldperspectives.Youcandevouritinonesitting,asanactor's entertainingalbeitsometimescringe-worthymemoir,orjumparoundwilly-nillywheninspirationandcuriosity beckonyou,usingitmorelikeaself-developmentmanifesto.Eitherway,Ihopethatitwillmakeyoulaugh,inspire you,andencourageyoutotakeonemoresteptowardwhateveritisthatbringsfulfillmentforyouandmakesyour lifefeelwellspent.
AuthorMalcolmGladwellproposedthatpeopleonlybecomeexpertsinafieldafterthey'vededicatedthemselvesto itfor10,000hours.Iagreewithhim.ButI'vealsoponderedtheabilityandpracticeofwithstandingtheword“no.”
Whatdefinesmycareer,oranyone'sforthatmatter,isthewayIhavechosentoreacttoconstantrejection, perceivedfailures,and“luckybreaks”thathavefallenapartduetoforcesoutsideofmycontrol.Thattypeof reaction,bothwhenitwasadmirableandwhenitwasembarrassinglypetty,iswhatmostpeoplewouldcallattitude, outlook,orperspective.Forallofus,ourabilitytopersevereisderivedfromacombinationofinnateinstincts embeddeddeepinourDNAandlessonsfromthemajorinfluencesandinfluenc ersinourlives,includingour parents,teachers,coaches,bosses,friends,siblingsandsomanyothers.Itisour choicetoseekoutotherswho strengthenourresilience,aswellassituationsthattestit,ortogravitatetowardsmaller-mindedpeoplewhowishto keepuswhere theyareorwheretheythinkweshouldberatherthanencouragingourgrowthandchallengingtheir ownself-imposedlimits.
InJuly2017,afterrackingupovertwodecades'worthofrejections,Ilaunchedapodcast, 10,000NOs,inanattempt tofindouthowmenandwomenineveryfieldimaginable,facingseeminglyinsurmountableobstacles,overcame their“no”s.Whatfollowedinthenextthreeyearshasbecometheeducationofmylife.Thisbookcontainsquotes fromsomeofmypodcastgueststhatsoperfectlyreinforcetheprinciplesIhavelearnedmostlythroughtrialand error.Someofthoseguestsarefamous,somearenot;twohasdiedsinceourconversationandmostarethriving.
Butthecommonthreadisthateachandeveryoneofthemisasflawedandasfullofcontradictions,pain,sadness, worry,joy,laughter,sorrow,andvictoryastherestofus.Theyarehuman.Theydonotpossess“theanswers”nor weretheybornontheIslandof“Yes.”Allofthemhavestumbleduponthesametoughtruthsbygrapplingwith, battling,andovercomingamountainof“no”s.It'snotjustamatteroflearningfromthetoughtimesweexperience, but whatwelearn, whyit'simportanttolearnfromit, whenwelearnit—fromhourstoyearsafter—and howweuse thoselessonstopersevere.
Nomatterwhoyouare,orwhereyouareinyourcareer,youwillhavesetbacks.Youwillbeinneedofcounselfrom friendsandothersupporters.Andnobookorpieceofadvicewillmakeyourpaingoawayimmediately.Thereisno magicpill.Butknowingthatothershavesufferedinwayssimilartoyouandsomehowmadeitthroughisenoughto helpyoupickupthepieces,reflectonthem,andmoveon.Ironically,whenIsatdownwithmydocumentary filmmakerfriendIwasfeelingparticularlyterribleandself-judgmentalaboutthisbook.Thatwaswhenhetoldme abouttheFiveStagesofCreativity,whichsomehow,Ihadneverheardbefore: Stage1-I'mreallyexcitedaboutthis.
Stage2-Thisisn'tasgoodasIthoughtitwas.
Stage3-Thisisterrible.
Stage4-ThisisactuallybetterthanIrealized.
Stage5-I'mreallyexcitedaboutthis.
Ifeverythingwereeasyallthetime,youwouldnotvaluethatease.If“yes”weretheanswertoyoureverywishand demand,everyvictoryandwindfallwouldbemeaningless.You thinkyouwantcomfort,butwhatyoureallyneedis progress.Progressonlyarriveswhenastruggleisovercome.So,whileIwishIcouldsendyouoffintotheworld tellingallyourfriendsthatthisbooksolvedeverythingforyou,Iknowthatwouldbeunrealistic.Instead,Isendyou offintotheworldurgingyoutoleanintoyour10,000“no”s.Iurgeyoutoreallyfeeltheirpainandletthatpain guideyoupastthe“no”togreenerpastures.Iurgeyoutolearnfromthemwhat nottodothenexttime,soyoucan
turnthose“no”sintoa“yes.”Iurgeyoutobegratefulforthem,forinthemliesthewisdomofhumanityand experience.Thereisnogreaterteacherthanthatwhichremindsyouthatyoursalvationliesinalwaysstriving,until yourlastdyingbreath.
MatthewDelNegro
January2020
CHAPTER1
GettingStarted
“Youneverknowwhenthoseothersupportivefactorsaregoingtowanttoconvergearoundyourwork,butthey won'tifyoudon'ttakethefirststep.”
— JessicaBlank,Writer,TheExonerated
Therearemanythingsthatcanmuddythewatersandmakesomethingsosimple,liketryinganewhobbyor ditchingabadhabit,seemcomplex.Ascrazyasitsounds,mosthumanswillcomeupwithexcuseafterexcusetotry towiggleoutofdoingtheonethingtheyknowthey needtodoinordertoaccomplishtheirdeepestdesires.But really,itallbeginswithonestep.Ibelieveyouwillonlytakethatstep,andchangethecourseyouareon,whenthe thoughtof notdoingsomethingbecomesmorepainfultoyouthanthethoughtofgivingitatry.Itreallyisthat simple.
KeepItSimple,Stupid
Thetruththatmostpeoplefailtoacknowledge,however,isthatdoingsomething,evenifyou'refollowingadream, canstillbepainfulalotofthetime.Whenyou'refollowingadream,though,there'sapotofgoldattheendofthe pain.Thatpotmaynotbefilledwithliteralgold,butitshouldatleastholdthegoldof fulfillment.Thatfulfillment usuallycomesintheformofpeace,satisfaction,andapridethatonlycomesfromlivingwithpurpose.
“Wedon'ttellourselves,‘I'mnevergoingtowritemysymphony.’Insteadwesay,‘I'mgoingtowritemy symphony;I'mjustgoingtostarttomorrow.’”
—StephenPressfield, TheWarofArt
Peoplet
hesedays,myselfincluded,areobsessedwiththeoriginstoriesofthosewhohavebrokenawayfromthe packtotaketheroadlesstraveled.Thisisnotsurprisinggiventhedifficultyrequiredtotakethefirststepdown any path.ThequestionI'maskedthemost,besideshowImemorizeallmylines,ishowIbecameaprofessionalactor.
ThetriteanswerIusuallygiveininterviewsisthatitstartedwithagirl.Thatleadstoastoryaboutabreakupin collegewhilestudyingabroad,whichultimatelyledtomydecisiontoquitplayinglacrossemyjunioryearatBoston College.Then,seeminglyoutofnowhere,Iauditionedforaplay,andtherestishistory.Butperhapsamoretruthful andaccurateansweristhatitstartedwithaplethoraofproverbial“no”sthroughoutmychildhood.
BeforeYouTakeYourFirstStep,AskYourselfWhyYou'reMoving Mostpeoplecantracetheir whybacktosomepain,rejection,orperceivedlossinchildhoodthattheyarenowtrying tofix.Iamnodifferent.Forme,my whywasforgedinthepainofmyparents'marriage,whichlookedonewayto myimmediatefamilyandanothertotherestoftheworld.Astheyoungestmemberofthefamily,andthe peacekeeper,Iwasconstantlyinterpretingonefamilymember'sactionstoanother.Socially,myrolewassimilar.I couldalwaysrelatetomostpeoplesoI'dfindmyselfexplainingonepersontoanother,eveniftheywerepartof vastlydifferentsocialsubsets.ThepriceIpaidforkeepingthepeacewasthatIinternalizedeverythingandcarriedit aroundwithme.Lookingbacknow,itiseasiertoseethatmycareerchoicedidnotreallycomeoutofnowhere,the wayIpreviouslyviewedit,asmyjobnowistointerpretthewordsofwritersandtheexperiencesofthecharactersI play.ButIhadzeroawarenessofthislinkbackthen.