Sirens. Police. Ambulance. Blue lights flashed, bouncing around Molly’s house. There was a peculiar air. Death; so close, so near.
“It’s ok baby, it’s ok,” Molly’s mother cried, as she squeezed Molly’s head against her bosom. “He’s gone now, he’s not here, not here.”
The garden gnome was on the drive, smashed, in three pieces. Mrs Hockle wept, with her left hand buried in her soaked, curly, dark brown hair.
Her right hand was covering her mouth, as she sobbed, and blubbered, in disbelief and despair.
And there lay Mr Hockle, on the cold concrete drive, eyes rolled upwards, half open, half shut. Motionless. A pool of blood was collecting near his head.
The red mist took over. He lost his composure to fury, and on this treacherous stormy night, it was Mr Hockle who ended up dead.
Headmaster’s Office
I know I started it, I know it was my own fault
I kicked him in the shin, because I didn’t want to lose
So I thought it would be best to stand and keep silent
And look down towards the floor, at my scruffy, shabby shoes
I know I started it, I know it was my own fault
A pencil poked in the eye must have really, really hurt
So I thought it would be best to stand and keep silent
And look down at the buttons of my scruffy, hand-me-down shirt
Modern Languages
Mother/Wife: Have we lost touch with our daughters?
“So hw did u find it?”
“SAL saw it n thot OMGYG2BK”
“I wz lyk GGOH ASAP”
“IK I red ur mind n thot SLAP”
“She wz soo OTT”
“IKR I wz lyk OMG”
“She went yaa baby”
“I thot naa baby”
“She wz bein a ryt PITA”
“ROFLMAO”
“Wen she sed BRB GGP”
“I thot IG2R”
“IK I wz lyk G2G2”
“Bt it wz TFF”
“Lolz it wz TFF”
“IK”
Father/Husband: There’s your answer.
Joe
There’s a knock on the door, I wonder who it is
Then there’s another knock, so I ask who it is
“It’s Joe! Let me in!” he cries
So I open up for Joe, he lights up my eyes
You see, Joe is my good friend; he’s an annual visitor
Always comes around about the same time, always around New Year
He comes with advice and he comes with inspiration
He comes with plans that have no room for a complication
He sits down, takes his hat off, “Fix me a cuppa, will ya?”
No questions asked, I make him some tea, no sugar
Sweet enough, he says he is, and the way he’s treated me, I wouldn’t disagree
Been like a brother, taken care of me, not let the streets get the better of me
Sipping on his tea, it’s time to get down to business
He asks, “So how did we do?” Time to share the money between us
Money that I’d earned over the past year or so
By executing the plans, drawn up this time last year by Joe
The nature of our business makes most people raise an eyebrow
And you’ll probably do the same, as I’m about to tell you now
We take money from people who we deem not to deserve it
We borrow it, permanently, so we’re not obliged to return it
International business bosses, unappreciative tycoons, corrupt world leaders
We’ve got the media under wraps, so they can’t even report us
We borrow from billionaires, and chip-shop owners alike
Doesn’t matter who you are, like lightning, we can strike
If you haven’t earned it, it’ll be gone in a flash
But we give it to those who need it, living in dumpsters amongst the trash
So we don’t feed our greed, even though we take our cut
We do it for the greater good, and help those who are poor and lost and hurt
I believe we make a good team, Joe and I
We’ve helped so many people that would otherwise just wish to die
But who on earth is Joe? And what on earth does he do?
Joe is the voice in my head, my conscience, and together, we make dreams come true
Police Interview
I don’t see why I’m here
When the doctor spoke, it was clear
He said, “All right, shoot”
So I fired in his foot
And he frantically rang you, sir
Toothache
Does that feel all right?
Uh-huh
Let me know if you feel any pain
Uh-huh
This will just feel a little uncomfortable
Uh-huh
But won’t be too hurtful in the main
Uh-huh
Just going to prod around a little
Uh-huh
All looks fine here, and here
Uh-huh
You seem to brush quite well
Uh-huh
And this side, too, is all clear
Uh-huh
So is it this one that’s causing the ache?
AAARGH!
Ah, so this one is committing the crime
Uh-huh
We’ll have to arrange another visit for that
Uh-huh
And we’ll take care of it in no time
Uh-huh
Take these painkillers for now
Uh-huh
I notice you’ve not really had much to say
Uh-huh
I’ll see you next week, we’ll book you in
Uh-huh
It’s been nice talking to you anyway
Uh-huh
Two Apples Sitting in a Basket
Green one: Have you heard some people pay hundreds of pounds for an apple?
Red one: They sure must eat a lot of apples.
Green one: No, they pay that for one.
Red one: One apple?
Green one: Yes.
Red one: Hundreds of pounds?
Green one: Yes.
Red one: What the heck?!
Green one: Yes.
Red one: Are they made of gold?!
Green one: No.
Red one: Then why?!
Green apple: All sorts of other shit. But not gold.
Then, there was silence.
Black
Benjamin had never plucked an eyebrow in his whole thirty-eight years of life, but today he did.
One.
And a clean shave. Hair styled. Well-groomed.
New socks. Black.
Even new underwear. Black.
White shirt. Brand new white shirt. Pressed.
Elegant cufflinks. Gemstone. Black.
New tie. 100% silk. Windsor knot. Black.
Even the tie clip comes out today. Special.
Best suit from the wardrobe. Three-piece. Savile Row. Black.
Leather belt. Leather shoes. Black.
Just polished. A long inhalation through the nose. That smell.
Handkerchief. Pocket Square. A fine watch. A fine pen. Black.
Everything looks nice in black.
A quick spray of the trusted fragrance.
“Hurry up Ben. It’s only a parent-teacher interview,” called Genevieve.
A final glance in the mirror. All set.
“Oh my, you do look handsome!” she exclaimed.
“All for you, my dear. All for you.”
Poor Genevieve.
The whole world could see her husband’s attraction to Miss Finchley.
Even Graham, their nine-year-old son.
Except Genevieve.
Poor Genevieve.
> Everything looks nice in black.
Everything.
Except the soul.
Three of the Clock
Back to Contents
Free
If I could just let go of everything in my head
Just let go of all the thoughts and ideas and possibilities
Just stop worrying about how I’ll earn my daily bread
And instead, just rely on my instinctive capabilities
If I could just let go of the little that I have achieved
Just let go of it all, drop it, and never look back
Just stop worrying about how I may be perceived
And instead, just wander stray from the pack
If I could just let go of the luxuries I depend upon
Just let go of the things that have always been here
Stop worrying about what might happen if and when they’re gone
And instead, step into the dark, and live a life without fear
Then, and only then, can I say I am free
Free from the barriers and cages that society has laid down on me
Free and liberated, from any obligation or responsibility
Free to do as I please, and free to let the world just be
Maths Tutor
Mrs Wu is a Maths tutor
She has several pupils under her
She remembers specific facts about each
And uses these facts to help her teach
Alisha has braids that are blonde
Allisha is the shortest one
Elisha enjoys playing in the rain
And Alysha is the biggest pain
Alicia owns a dozen tortoises
Elicia wants a dozen porpoises
Aliesha likes the colour brown
And Allesha always wore a frown
Alecia is the adrenaline junkie
Alesha has a one-legged monkey
Aleesha lives in a historic mansion
And Aleisha is interested only in fashion
Eleisha is fascinated by planes and trains
Allicia wants to work on cranes
Aleasha loves to daydream and doze
And Alycia likes to pick her nose
Allicia never wants to work
Alischa dreams of driving a truck
Ellisha insists on feeding her cat
And Alishia is the spoilt little brat
And that is a list of all the students
Whom Mrs Wu teaches, with great prudence
And if you ever happen to meet the wonderful Mrs Wu
The pronunciation of each, she can demonstrate too
Paediatrics Clinic
Four-year-old Tilly had two pigtails. She was not in a happy mood.
“Tilly, Tilly Jones,” called the experienced doctor.
“No, I’m not coming,” grumbled Tilly, sulking away.
“Come on, Tilly. Let’s talk to this nice doctor,” attempted mother.
It was clear that Tilly would not shift, so the doctor tried a trusted trick.
He put his fun-face on, “Come on in Tilly, I have some cool toys to show you.”
Tilly looked away in disgust. “What’s he doing playing with toys, mother?” she asked.
“Hasn’t he got work to do?”
Hear Me Out
Miss Moss, a 24-year-old hypochondriac, went to Mr Chang, the audiologist. She was suffering from tinnitus.
After Mr Chang completed his examination, Miss Moss asked him, “So, have I got a tumour?”
He offered a scan for her peace of mind,
But he was so confident that all was fine,
He said, “I’d be laughing if you had a tumour.”
Mr Chang spent the next hour and a half explaining what he meant by that comment to Miss Moss.
Mr Chang spent the next day and a half explaining what he meant by that comment to his boss.
At the end of that day, he was awfully tired.
He came mighty close but, thankfully, he didn’t get fired.
Homework
My daughter got some homework
To write a poem describing her old man
It’s now 4am and she’s fast asleep
And I’m sat with a pen in my hand
She only asked for help
Since I enjoy putting pen to paper
So…wait a minute! I’ve just realised
She’s getting me to write it for her!
The Bogey
The sticky, slimy rolled up ball
Of a horrid green, grimy bogey
This mix of muck, full of filth
Oh why oh why is it so tasty?
Strong Girl(3)
So you chose another girl. You don’t want me to be a part of your world.
That’s fair enough, that’s your decision.
I would have done so much for you. Everyday I thought about you.
But you don’t want me, that’s your decision.
I’d ring and text you everyday. You just kept pushing me away.
But I wouldn’t take the hint and I kept on trying.
Plenty of days when you wouldn’t reply. So many times you made me cry.
But I wouldn’t take the hint and I kept on trying.
It was clear that you didn’t want me, but I couldn’t control the feelings inside me,
And I just didn’t want to let go of something I never had.
You never said we’d ever be together, but I just wanted it to be us forever,
And I just didn’t want to let go of something I never had.
And now, like I say, you’re gone. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up to a new dawn.
I’m lost and heartbroken, and I don’t know what I’ll do.
The tears in my eyes just keep flowing. How will I ever keep on going?
I’m lost and heartbroken, and I don’t know what I’ll do.
The blood inside me is boiling. The thoughts in my head are raging.
Please just tell me this is a nightmare and not really happening.
I could hurt you so badly right now, and believe me, that’s an honest vow.
Please just tell me this is a nightmare and not really happening.
I had it all figured out, everything that we were going to be about,
But you just had to smash my dreams into tiny little pieces.
The wedding day and how our kids would look, the honeymoon and the holidays we’d book,
But you just had to smash my dreams into tiny little pieces.
You took it all away from me, and it all just feels like a tragedy,
And I don’t know if I can ever look you in the eye again.
I don’t blame you for what you’ve done, and I don’t blame you for your decision,
But I don’t know if I can ever look you in the eye again.
You know you were always on my mind. I was ready to give you all of my time.
I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
But you didn’t want the same, so it’s just myself I’m going to blame.
I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
I would return even after you treated me like a stranger. It was a weakness in my character,
But I will learn from this and move on.
I lied to myself that one day you’ll want me, and now I know this will never be,
But I will learn from this and move on.
Yes, you broke my heart. Yes, you tore my life apart.
But I’m way too strong to break down to this.
I know exactly where I stand, and I may need a helping friend’s hand,
But I’m way too strong to break down to this.
I’m young and I’m beautiful. I’ve got qualities that are wonderful.
And I’ll pick myself up and start again.
I won’t start bitching about you. In fact, I’ll probably never even talk about you.
I’ll just pick myself up and start again.
A joyous life awaits me. No man can suppress me.
And my life will go on, and so will I.
For this strong girl, this is just a little test, and this strong girl wishes you the best.
And my life will still go on, and so will I.
Two of the Clock
Back to Contents
Children of War
Who is in the right?
Is there anyone who isn’t wrong?
The facts get hidden away
When murder has come and gone
The spared children live in hope
For a better day, to live a better way
For the day murder gets murdered
But the murderers still pay
The terrorists, the anarchists
The just Lord has knowledge of all
And indeed they will be judged
And then will be their downfall
Parents-to-be
Why do people spend so long deciding? What’s in a name?
Why not just give them a number, the order in which they came?
I often ask the parents, “Is there a reason for that name?”
Many give anecdotal reasoning, or that the grandparents chose the name.
I actually happen to believe that the name holds great significance.
It is a decision not to be taken lightly, one of profound importance.
The name becomes part of their character, holding great influence.
So indeed, do take your time deciding. It is a sign of being good parents.
Eggs
I have a friend by the name of Amelia
Believe it or not, eggs are her phobia
Threaten her with an egg
And she’ll cry and beg
But why fear eggs, I have no idea
Where’s Your Head At?
When you put your head down
You can get a lot of things done
I choose to hold my head up high
And I get jack all done
I fear if l put my head down
It might not really help anyone
So I choose to hold my head up high
And, still, not help anyone
One of the Clock
Back to Contents
Mysterious Traveller
A Welsh girl with English parents was given an Irish name
She attracted a lot of attention when to the Paps of Fife she mysteriously came
Known by first name only, her mesmerising eyes captivated people around her
And she used this to her advantage, as she became a purposeful sorcerer
The village mayor resided at the foot of the hills, by the river
Criminal and corrupt were his activities, and many locals would suffer
Oft they came begging to Niamh, to help somehow, perhaps cast a fatal cantrip
Niamh pondered, contemplated, whilst from her goblet she would gently sip
A few months on, two fishermen came across a body in the waters