Cold Cereal Facts Serving size 1 chapter Number of servings 40 Primary human characters 3 Scottish Play Doe, aka Scottpossible changeling Erno Utz genius Emily Utz supergenius Magical creatures at least 3 Mick Leprechaun (or Clurichaun) Harvey Pooka (rabbit-man) Biggs indeterminate origin (hairy, large) Evil organizations 1 Goodco Cereal CompanyPurveyor of breakfast foods aspiring to world domination Adventure 75% Diabolical Schemes 40% Danger 57% Legend 20% Magic 68% Humor 93% Puzzles 35% Mystery 49% Not a significant source of vampires. May contain nuts. Daily values based on individual interest. Reader's estimation of value may be higher or lower, depending on your tolerance for this sort of thing.

Doug Lee is undead quite by accident—attacked by a desperate vampire, he finds himself cursed with being fat and fifteen forever. When he has no luck finding some goth chick with a vampire fetish, he resorts to sucking the blood of cows under cover of the night. But it's just not the same. Then he meets the new Indian exchange student and falls for her—hard. Yeah, he wants to bite her, but he also wants to prove himself to her. But like the laws of life, love, and high school, the laws of vampire existence are complicated—it's not as easy as studying Dracula. Especially when the star of Vampire Hunters is hot on your trail in an attempt to boost ratings. . . . Searing, hilarious, and always unexpected, Fat Vampire is a satirical tour de force from one of the most original writers of fiction today.

An out of work actor with a serious superiority complex lands work playing Santa Claus in the grotto of the world famous London department store, Harridges. It seems like child's play , it turns out to be anything but. Every ounce of his improvisation skills is challenged by the children who come to see him. His colleagues stretch his wit and wisdom to the limit until he makes a fateful decision.ALL PROCEEDS GENERATED BY THIS PROJECT WILL BE DONATED QUARTERLY TO AREA FOOD BANKS. (The hunger does not end after the holidays...many of these organizations struggle during the "off" seasons.)Most of us have written letters to Santa. However, what would Jason Voorhees, a vampire, a zombie, or Medusa ask for? The call went out, and as usual, the horror community stepped forward with some fun, entertaining, tongue-in-cheek letters to the fat man up north. Share some of these with your little goblins and keep the spirit of giving alive year round.

I had a bright idea, 'Teeny Tiny Tales' of only 78 words.It's much more of a challenge than you might think, and very like those picture puzzles where you slide the squares around in a grid, until they are in the right order.But words are very restless, more, then less, then different - then perfect.:o)These Brother Gregory stories are historical scientific fiction. They start on a cold night in Brno in 1865 when the world learns, for the first time, about the mechanism of genetic inheritance. A giant scientific mystery was revealed, but the time was not quite right. Why? Meet Gregor Mendel, his friends - and his enemies - and find the answer.

An illustrated chapter book from industry legends Judith Viorst and Lane Smith! "I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, gonna, get a bronto-bronto-bronto-bronto-saurus for a pet!" Lulu is so accustomed to getting what she wants that when her parents deny her birthday request for a brontosaurus, she throws a four-day temper tantrum and then storms off into the forest in search of the dinosaur she clearly deserves. Lulu isn't particularly impressed with the snake, tiger, and bear she encounters, but then she finds him--a beautiful, long-necked, graceful brontosaurus. Mr. B completely agrees with Lulu that having a pet would be a wonderful thing, and Lulu thinks she's gotten her birthday wish at last. Until she realizes that Mr. Brontosaurus thinks that "she" would make an ideal pet for "him!" How will Lulu ever get out of this sticky situation without throwing a fit (Mr. B does not respond well to those), or using force (Mr. B is much too tall to bonk on the head with her suitcase), or smushing her pickle sandwich? Beloved children's author Judith Viorst and Caldecott-winning illustrator Lane Smith offer a fresh and funny tale with several surprise endings!

The fruits of an eighteen-year tradition of Massey College’s annual Gaudy Nights, Robertson Davies’ High Spirits still delights and amuses to this day. Published as an eBook for the first time. In the Introduction to this collection of charming stories, Robertson Davies notes we all need “ghosts as a dietary supplement . . . to stave off that most dreadful of modern ailments, the Rational Rickets.” In one tale, Mr. Davies introduces the ghost of Henrik Ibsen; in another, he brings us face to face with a bust of Charles Dickens, whose “scarlet lips . . . parted in a terrible smile” and whose “beard stirred in a hiccup of repletion.” Sixteen other apparitions manifest themselves, each rendered with Robertson Davies’ special touch–a bit of parody, a touch of true scariness–and all emanating from high spirits.

The New York Times bestselling author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Assholes Finish First delivers a new collection of thirty 100% true, 100% exclusive stories of comically perverse excess. Another installment in Tucker Max’s series of stories about his drunken debauchery and ridiculous antics. What began as a simple sentence on an obscure website, “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole,” and developed into two infamously genre-defining books, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell and Assholes Finish First, ends here. But as you should expect from Tucker by now, he is going out with a bang—literally and figuratively. In this book, you’ll learn: How to live and work in Cancun, while still enrolled in Law School Why Halloween is really awesome How to subtly torture a highstrung roommate until he explodes with furious anger over a misplaced condiment What really happened when a dirty pageant girl tried to sue Tucker because he told the truth Why you should never accept a homemade treat from a hippie with a van As we’ve come to learn from Tucker, assholes do finish first...but everything comes with a price.

Tom Perrotta made his literary debut with his short story collection Bad Haircut, earning critical praise and comparisons to Salinger, Carver, and Roth by taking readers to New Jersey in the 1970s as a boy named Buddy struggles with the timeless mysteries of sex, death, parents-and of course, bad haircuts.

Living on a diet of fried Spam, vodka, sardines, cupcakes, and Southern Comfort, Andrew Whittaker is slowly being sucked into the morass of middle age. A negligent landlord, small-time literary journal editor, and aspiring novelist, he is--quite literally-- authoring his own downfall. From his letters, diary entries, and fragments of fiction, to grocery lists and posted signs, this novel is a collection of everything Whittaker commits to paper over the course of four critical months. Beginning in July, during the economic hardships of the Nixon era, we witness our hero hounded by tenants and creditors, harassed by a loathsome local arts group, and tormented by his ex-wife. Determined to redeem his failures and eviscerate his enemies, Whittaker hatches a grand plan. But as winter nears, his difficulties accumulate, and the disorder of his life threatens to overwhelm him. As his hold on reality weakens and his schemes grow wilder, his self-image as a placid and slow-moving sloth evolves into that of a bizarre and frantic creature driven mad by solitude. In this tragicomic portrait of a literary life, Sam Savage proves that all the evidence is in the writing, that all the world is, indeed, a stage, and that escape from the mind's prison requires a command performance.

Ned, Winceham, Lernea and Parcifal, along with Theo and Bo the bunny finally reach Tallyflop atop a giant oak floating in space in search of Theo's people.They'll have a touch of bad luck with what passes as law in a truly neutral pirate haven and before they know it, Theo goes missing, the crystal has been stolen and Bo abducted.Ned, Winceham, Lernea and Parcifal, along with Theo and Bo the bunny finally reach Tallyflop atop a giant oak floating in space in search of Theo's people.They'll have a touch of bad luck with what passes as law in a truly neutral pirate haven and before they know it, Theo goes missing, the crystal has been stolen and Bo abducted.Someone wants them dead, and tries more than just once. Searching for clues about Theo, his crystal, Bo and the woodkin elves, the party splits up as time is running low and the danger keeps growing.Theo discovers the power of Rho and a dear friend while the alien horrors from their earlier adventure have a name: the Ygg. They also have a plan, and two mysterious people with an agenda want to stop them.This is Book II of the "Party of Five" series of fantasy novellas.

A short story about Dave, an ordinary guy who gets fed up with magazine and TV adds for products nobody needs. It’s time to take things into his own hands! Armed with two beers from different brands and a WWII Beretta he drives down to the local supermarket to rescue the consumer.“... and if you call in the next ten minutes, we’ll include a premium quality stainless steel bottle opener, free of charge.” “Hello. Dave speaking. I’d like to order ten bottles. That’d be all.” “Ten bottles. OK sir and congratulations. You qualify for our special offer, the premium quality stainless steel bottle opener.” “Thanks, I just want the bottles please.” “But sir, this is a special opportunity.” “Yes, I know. I just want the bottles, please. I don’t need a bottle opener.” “Yes sir, we will send you ten bottles, but I would like you to reconsider our special offer.” “Just the bottles please.” “Sir, we have to offer you the bottle opener. It’s the company policy sir.” “Thanks for the offer but I just want the bottles please.” “Yes sir, we will send you the bottles, but since you called ten minutes before the end of the advertisement we would like to offer you our unique bottle opener.” “Look man, just send the bottles, OK? I don’t need more junk in my apartment.” “Sir, what we offer is premium quality. A stainless steel bottle opener with a deluxe metal finish. ” “So why does stainless steel need a metal finish for? Just send me the bottles please.” “But wouldn’t you...” “No. Are you listening to me. Send me the stupid bottles and... You know what, forget about it. I don’t want the bottles anymore.” Dave hung up the phone: “Man I need a beer. So scientists still wonder how alcoholism develops?“

Luther T. Farrell has got to get out of Flint, Michigan. As his best friend Sparky says, “Flint’s nothing but the Titanic.” And his mother, a.k.a. the Sarge, says, “Take my advice and stay off the sucker path.” The Sarge milked the system to build an empire of slum housing and group homes. Luther’s just one of the many people trapped in the Sarge’s Evil Empire—but he’s about to bust out. If Luther wins the science fair this year, he’ll be on track for college and a future as America’s best-known and best-loved philosopher. All he’s got to do is beat his arch rival Shayla Patrick, the beautiful daughter of Flint’s finest undertaker—and the love of Luther’s life. Sparky’s escape plans involve a pit bull named Poofy and the world’s scariest rat. Oh, and Luther. Add to the mix Chester X., Luther’s mysterious roommate; Dontay Gaddy, a lawyer whose phone number is 1-800-SUE’M ALL; and Darnell Dixon, the Sarge’s go-to guy who knows how to break all the rules. Bucking the Sarge is a story that only Christopher Paul Curtis could tell. Once again the Newbery Award–winning author of Bud, Not Buddy and The Watsons Go to Birmingham—1963 gives us a whole new angle on life and a world full of unforgettable and hilarious characters. Readers will root for Luther and Sparky every step of the way. Praise for The Watsons Go to Birmingham—1963: “An exceptional first novel.”—Publishers Weekly, Starred “Ribald humor . . . and a totally believable child’s view of the world will make this book an instant hit.”—School Library Journal, Starred Praise for Bud, Not Buddy: “Curtis has given a fresh, new look to a traditional orphan-finds-a-home story that would be a crackerjack read-aloud.” —School Library Journal, Starred From the Hardcover edition.

Abbie Joules is familiar with her older brother's earthy high jinks, but she is shocked to learn that he would share one of his strange ideas for a good time with his high society date. A night at the town dump on a double date, in his best friend's mother's pink Imperial, does not end well as the boys entertain their dates with The Rat Stomp.The eighth in a series of fourteen books by Abbie Joules about her brother, Bendigo, as they grew up on their hard-scrabble farm in east Texas. In this episode, Ben's girlfriend, Corrinth, recounts to Abbie her experience on a double date with Ben, his best friend Billy and his date. Abbie listens wide-eyed with growing apprehension and humor as Corrinth paints a vivid tale of unlikely adventure, suspense and near disaster at the town dump involving a new pink Imperial, mounds of smokey garbage, hordes of rats, and a 'dance' Abbie is familiar with called, The Rat Stomp.

Stevenson teleoperator Clarity Nice elicits assistance from her friend Cynthia, in order to build an outdoor shower on company lawn that will provide a clothing optional amenity. Infringing human resources policy, clashing against police officer Packwood, who prohibits use of the shower, Clarity purchases a shower patent for Stevenson to lift poor company sales, involving Cynthia as lawyer.After a naked lawn party during clothing optional day, Stevenson Garden Products Malibu teleoperator Clarity Nice agrees with her friend Cynthia Stevenson, daughter of company owner Bill Stevenson, to build an outdoor shower on company lawn, in order to bring publicity for the company. Bypassing the head of human resources at Stevenson, Brock Cheevers, Clarity finds out that the municipality of Malibu prohibits the use of a shower on any company garden lawn, and that it has assigned officer Packwood and his nephew Avery to the 'Stevenson shower' case.When the outdoor shower faucet is closed by Packwood, Clarity decides to build a shower inside the premises of Stevenson, near the rooftop pool of the company, so that employees can relax after a rough day's work. To pay for the expense, Clarity uses Cynthia's power of attorney which allows her to charge and spend company money when her father is away on a trip. Learning that Stevenson sales have dropped and looking for new job opportunities inside the company, Clarity decides to purchase a shower patent using company money savings, in order to boost sales by establishing a new shower division at Stevenson. Without any official document backing her, she uses the funds available to pay for the patent, knowing that her initiative may mean that she is out of a job.With a new patent in her hands, Clarity sets out to sell a number of showers at a Las Vegas bathroom and accessories exhibit, in order to refund Stevenson's money, borrowed to buy the patent, and also to avoid being fired by the owner of the garden company himself, Mr. Stevenson, for having used company funds without authorization.

when earth is put under threat from an alien force only one man can help, but he was busy so they picked chad solass, they are quickly going to wish they hadn't! Full book now available via amazonimagine if superman wasn't quite the hero you expected? what if james bond received super powers? what if the stupidest person you knew was the only man who could save the earth? this mini preview book introduces you to the craziest collection of characters honeyville has to offer! meet chad solass, the most unpopular man in town who becomes the unlikeliest of heroes! the master, a mysterious super villain from another planet, who threatens to take over earth with his vicious army. then finally you will be introduced to two men who wished they had never met chad that night!!! funny and ridiculous, exciting and action packed, this is the story of the man who didn't want to become a hero, and neither did anyone else!