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    The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5)


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      I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.

      When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at

      the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a

      device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.

      What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been

      seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a

      Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the

      whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience

      is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's

      breakfast staining the pages.

      Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your

      Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as

      much fun reading it as I did writing it.

      Jeff Kinney

      September

      Thursday

      It’s been almost two and a half weeks since me

      and my ex-best friend, Rowley Jefferson, had our

      big fight. To be honest with you, I thought he

      would’ve come crawling back to me by now, but for

      some reason, that hasn’t happened.

      I’m actually starting to get a little concerned,

      because school starts back up in a few days, and

      if we’re gonna get this friendship back on track,

      something needs to happen quick. If me and Rowley

      really ARE through, that would stink, because

      the two of us had a pretty good thing going.

      Can I take a

      (pant, pant)

      rest break?

      It’s only,

      like, three

      more blocks!

      Now that our friendship is history, I’m in the

      market for a new best friend. The problem is, I

      invested all my time in Rowley, and I don’t have

      anyone lined up to take his place.

      The two best options I have at this point are

      Christopher Brownfield and Tyson Sanders. But

      each of those guys has his own issues.

      I hung out with Christopher for the last few

      weeks of the summer, mostly because he’s a really

      excellent mosquito magnet. But Christopher is more

      of a summertime friend than a school-year friend.

      Christopher

      Tyson

      Ouch!

      Swat

      2

      Tyson is nice enough, and we like the same video

      games. But he pulls his pants all the way down

      when he uses the urinal, and I don’t know if I

      can ever get past that.

      The only other kid my age who’s not paired up

      with someone is Fregley, but I ruled him out as

      best friend material a long time ago.

      Hey there,

      Greg!

      I’ll bet I can fit

      your whole foot

      in my mouth!

      3

      Anyway, I’m still keeping the door open a crack

      for Rowley, just in case. But if he wants to save

      this friendship, he’d better do something fast.

      Because the way things stand, he’s not gonna

      come out looking very good in my autobiography.

      CHAPTER 8

      CHILDHOOD

      I used to live near this kid. I think his

      name was Rupert or Roger or something.

      GREG

      HEFFLEY

      a life

      4

      Saturday

      With my luck, though, I’ll go on to be rich and

      famous and Rowley will still find a way to ride

      my coattails.

      The reason I don’t see things changing between

      me and Rowley is because he’s already found himself

      a replacement friend. Or to be more accurate, his

      parents did.

      For the past few weeks Rowley’s been hanging out

      with this teenager named Brian.

      I Used to Be Friends with

      GREG HEFFLEY

      by Rowley Jefferson

      5

      Whenever I go by Rowley’s house, he’s out in his

      front yard throwing a football or a Frisbee with a

      guy who looks like he’s in high school or college.

      Well, I did some poking around and found out

      that this Brian guy isn’t just some normal kid

      from the neighborhood. He’s part of a company

      called “Cool Brian,” which is sort of like a big-

      brother-for-hire kind of thing.

      In fact, I’d be willing to bet money this guy’s

      name isn’t even really Brian.

      6

      Mom said she thinks the Cool Brian thing is a

      great idea because it gives kids a “role model”

      they can look up to. That makes me kind of mad

      because, the way I see it, I’M Rowley’s role model.

      And now Rowley’s parents are paying some guy to

      do what I’ve been doing all these years for FREE.

      Cool brian

      Wholesome

      mentors for

      growing boys

      Hee hee

      hee!

      Gaaaah!

      Trip

      7

      The thing that really burns me is that Rowley

      probably doesn’t even know his parents are paying

      this guy to spend time with him. And I don’t think

      it would bother Rowley if he DID know the truth.

      Today I saw Rowley hanging out with a different

      Cool Brian, so Rowley’s regular guy must’ve had the

      day off. But I could tell Rowley didn’t even notice.

      Today was the first day of school. I don’t want

      to jinx things, but it’s looking like this could be a

      great year for me.

      Tuesday

      8

      In homeroom we got our textbooks for the

      semester. My school can’t afford to get new books

      every year, so we usually get hand-me-downs.

      But when you get a book that ten kids had

      before you, it makes it kind of hard to do any

      actual learning.

      Usually, I have really bad luck when it comes to

      previous book owners. Last year I got a math

      book that had belonged to Bryan Goot.

      9

      And that didn’t exactly up my “cool” factor in

      the hallways.

      But this year I totally lucked out. When I got

      my math book, I found out it used to belong to

      Jordan Jury. Jordan Jury is the most popular kid

      in the grade above me, so carrying his textbook

      around should translate into some MAJOR

      popularity points.

      Hey, you

      got my

      book!

      10

      One reason Jordan is so popular is because he

      always has these big blowout parties, and it’s

      really hard to get invited. But I figure this

      Algebra book could be just the thing I need to

      get on his radar.

      Speaking of popular kids, I sat near Bryce

      Anderson and his group of friends at lunch today.

      Bryce is basically the Jordan Jury of my grade,

      and he’s got a bunch of cronies who are always

      going along with everything h
    e says.

      Hey, what’s

      that high-

      pitched noise?

      Yeah, I

      hear it

      too!

      Ow!

      ow!

      11

      And those guys are loyal to Bryce no matter how

      dumb he makes them look.

      See, Bryce Anderson has the right idea. He

      doesn’t actually NEED a best friend, because

      he’s got a bunch of lackeys who basically worship

      him. The reason me and Rowley didn’t make it is

      because we were equal partners in our friendship,

      and I don’t think that kind of model has a

      chance of working out.

      At school today I heard Rowley tell some kid he

      was going to a rock concert tonight. I admit I

      was a little jealous, since I’ve never been to a real

      concert myself. But when I found out who was

      performing, I was glad I wasn’t invited.

      Friday

      I’m just kidding.

      there’s no high-

      pitched noise.

      12

      Still, it kind of irks me that Rowley is having more

      fun than I am. In fact, it seems like EVERYONE

      is having more fun than me these days.

      There are some kids in my grade who post their

      pictures online.

      Joshie

      scream!

      13

      And from the looks of things, they’re all having a

      WAY better time than I am.

      I don’t want people thinking MY life is lame,

      so I decided to take some pictures to show how

      great things are going for me.

      All you really need is a digital camera and a

      photo-editing program and you can make it look

      like you’re having a total blast.

      14

      Tonight I was right in the middle of creating

      a wild New Year’s Eve party scene when I got

      busted by Mom.

      15

      Oh well. Mom won’t let me post photos on the

      computer anyway, because of “privacy” and all

      that. Or maybe it’s because she learned her lesson

      after letting my older brother, Rodrick, post

      HIS pictures.

      Rodrick’s been trying to get a job so he can buy a

      new drum set, but nobody will hire him. Mom told

      him that nowadays employers look up the people

      they’re thinking of hiring and that his pictures

      are probably hurting his chances.

      16

      So Rodrick replaced his band pictures with this one—

      This year everyone in my grade has to take

      Advanced Health, which covers some top-secret

      stuff that I guess they didn’t think we were

      ready for until now.

      In the first few classes, the boys and girls were

      mixed together, but today Nurse Powell said she

      was gonna split us up. She sent the girls down to

      Mrs. Gordon’s room and then she put in a video

      for us boys to watch.

      Wednesday

      17

      From what I could tell, the video was at least

      thirty years old, so I’m sure Dad watched the

      same exact tape when he was my age.

      I’m not gonna describe everything that they

      showed in the video, because it was actually pretty

      disgusting. If you ask me, some of that stuff

      doesn’t really belong in a classroom.

      Rowley didn’t even make it through the whole

      video. He passed out at the two-minute mark when

      they said the word “perspiration.”

      Say Hello to the

      Brand-new you!

      (Boys’ Edition)

      18

      To be honest with you, I don’t know if Rowley’s

      ready for this stuff. He’s basically like a little kid. He

      told me once that he avoids the older kids at school

      because he’s afraid he’s gonna “catch puberty.”

      In fact, now that I think about it, I haven’t

      seen Cool Brian for a while. So I wonder if

      Rowley’s avoiding him, too, because he thinks

      he’s contagious.

      Boys

      19

      The same kind of thing happened in last year’s

      Health class when they did a smoking unit. The

      teacher said that you never know who’s going to

      offer you a cigarette, and that it could even be

      your best friend.

      Well, after Rowley heard THAT, he wouldn’t even

      walk on the same side of the street as me for a

      solid MONTH.

      No!

      Shiver

      shiver

      20

      Believe me, I don’t need some teacher to tell ME

      it’s not cool to smoke. My grandfather convinced

      me of that last year on Thanksgiving.

      Anyway, I think Rowley’s just one of those

      kids who are always gonna be a few years behind

      everyone else maturity-wise. Rowley doesn’t even

      know how to tie his shoes yet, because he’s the

      kind of person who has Velcro everything.

      Rrrip

      21

      Last year Rowley’s mom bought him sneakers with

      laces, and I can’t even tell you how many times I

      had to bail him out.

      I guess it probably should’ve been a warning sign

      that my best friend was impressed that I knew

      how to tie my own shoes.

      Today I was reading the comics in the newspaper,

      and I saw an ad that caught my attention.

      It was for Peachy Breeze Ice Cream, and

      apparently they’re looking for a new spokesperson.

      Thursday

      22

      Peachy Breeze has those commercials on TV that

      run nonstop, with that kid with the freckles and

      the high-pitched voice.

      Peachy

      breeze is

      peachy

      keen!

      Could your child

      be the next

      Peachy breeze

      kid?

      Open tryouts at the Liberty

      Street Mall this Saturday!

      23

      The Peachy Breeze Kid used to be kind of cute, but

      over the years he’s gotten a little seedy-looking.

      So I guess they’re looking for someone to take

      his place.

      Well, I’d be PERFECT for the role. First of

      all, I LOVE ice cream, so it wouldn’t be hard for

      me to do the acting part. Second, I would be

      willing to miss a lot of school to fulfill my Peachy

      Breeze obligations.

      And they wouldn’t have to worry about me

      getting too old for the part, because I’d take

      whatever I needed to take to stop growing.

      Peachy

      breeze is

      peachy

      keen!

      24

      The only stumbling block I can see is that Dad

      HATES the Peachy Breeze TV ads because he

      thinks the kid is annoying. So I don’t think he’d

      be too thrilled if I became their new spokesperson.

      Hope you

      have a good

      day at work!

      Groan.

      Peachy

      breeze is

      peachy keen!

      25

      There’s just something about that kid that gets

      on Dad’s nerves. In fact, I think he hates the

      Peachy Breeze Kid even more than he hates Li'l

      Cutie, which is saying some
    thing.

      Every time Dad sees a Peachy Breeze commercial on

      TV, he writes the Peachy Breeze people an angry

      letter saying that the ads drive him crazy and he’ll

      never buy any of their products.

      A few weeks later, Dad gets a response in the

      mail from Peachy Breeze, and it’s always the same

      thing: coupons for free ice cream.

      Type

      Type

      Type

      26

      It’s been going on like this for years, and if

      something doesn’t change, we’re gonna have to get

      an extra freezer to hold all of our Peachy Breeze

      ice cream.

      I told Mom about the Peachy Breeze Kid contest

      last night, and she said it seemed like an “exciting

      opportunity.” But it turns out she was thinking of

      my little brother, Manny, when she said that.

      In fact, this morning Mom and Manny were

      ready to take off for the audition without me,

      but I caught them just in time.

      Saturday

      Wait

      up!

      27

      Mom seemed surprised that I wanted to be

      the Peachy Breeze Kid and said I might be

      “too old” for the part. At first I thought

      that was ridiculous, but when I saw my

      competition at the mall, I could kind of see

      where she was coming from.

      I figured I could charm the judges and get the

      job anyway. Plus, I had an edge, because I was

      the only kid trying out who could read a cue card.

      There must’ve been two hundred kids in line, and

      I realized that if I wanted the job, I was

      gonna have to come up with some sort of gimmick.

      So I decided I’d jump up and click my heels

      together when I said the Peachy Breeze slogan.

      Tryouts

      28

      But when it was finally my turn to go, things

      didn’t work out the way I’d planned.

      I knew my chances of getting the part weren’t

      good when the casting people sent me out the

      door without even asking my name.

      Peachy breeze

     

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