is peachy—
oops!
Click
Plop
Can I go
again?
Next!
29
My opportunity was slipping away, so I did what I
could to improve my odds.
But it looks like the job is gonna go to a younger
kid after all, which really stinks.
You know, this isn’t the first time I’ve been
discriminated against because of my age, either.
Last October me and Rowley heard that our local
news station was going to be at the Red Apple
Farm to shoot footage of kids carving pumpkins
and making scarecrows and stuff like that.
I’m pretty sure
the next kid in
line is allergic
to peaches.
Exit
30
We knew this was our big chance to be on TV, so
we plopped ourselves in front of the news camera
and really hammed it up.
But it took about five seconds for the news people
to kick us out.
Whee!
Yay!
Hey, get those
creepy kids
out of there!
31
Then they brought in some little kids to take our
place, and they did the same EXACT thing me
and Rowley were doing.
And sure enough, those kids were on the news
that night.
The truth is, this kind of thing has been going
on for a long time. And where it’s worst is in my
own family.
Up until I was eight or nine, I was the star
of every family gathering. It seemed like nobody
could get enough of me.
I love it!
Ha Ha!
32
But after Manny was born, things really changed
for me.
See, when you’re a little kid, nobody ever warns
you that you’ve got an expiration date. One day
you’re hot stuff and the next day you’re a dirt
sandwich.
I’m a little
teapot
short and
stout…
It’s a boy!
Here is my
handle and
here is my
spout!
Oh,
grow
up!
33
I guess I can understand why Rodrick’s always
so grumpy. It’s been a long time since he was
the center of attention, and believe me, he’s not
getting any cuter.
The person who’s lucky is ROWLEY. He’s an only
child, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about
being replaced by the next kid to come along.
Stop
slouching!
chips
Just tip me
over and
pour me
out!
Yay!
Hurray,
rowley!
34
Tonight at dinner Dad told us that his younger
brother, Uncle Gary, got engaged to his
girlfriend, Sonja. I guess that’s great news and
all, but Uncle Gary has been married three times
before, so this has kind of become a regular thing
in our family. In fact, we don’t even use growth
charts at home, because we can just look at
pictures from Uncle Gary’s weddings to keep track
of our progress.
Monday
35
So I think everyone’s a little burned out by
now. When Uncle Gary got married the THIRD
time, Mom didn’t even bother to replace the
picture of his second wedding on the mantel. She
just taped a photo of the new wife’s head on
top of the old one.
Uncle Gary’s not a bad guy or anything. He just
rushes into these relationships too quickly. He got
engaged to his first wife, Linda, two months after
they met, and she didn’t even find out what he did
for a living until their wedding day.
36
And I heard Uncle Gary’s second wife, Charlene,
thought he had a lot of money because of a
miscommunication on their second date.
It turns out Uncle Gary only had forty-five
dollars, not forty-five THOUSAND dollars.
Sorry I’m late…the
kids at the party
wouldn’t let me leave!
I’ve got about
thirty thousand
in the bank…
maybe forty.
And I’ve got
forty-five!
37
But Charlene didn’t find that out until it was time
to pay the band at the wedding.
Dad’s always saying Uncle Gary needs to “grow
up” and stop acting like a child. But if I were
Dad, I wouldn’t hold my breath.
Did you
happen to
bring your
checkbook?
Yaaah-
hooo!
38
I found out that Uncle Gary’s wedding is gonna
be in November, and the reception will be at my
great grandmother Gammie’s house, like last time.
Gammie is ninety-five years old, but she still lives
in the big house where she grew up. She’s like the
official head of the whole Heffley family.
Gammie is one of the only people in the world who
still writes letters. And when she writes you a
letter, she expects you to write one BACK.
Tuesday
Heffley family reunion
(Gammie)
39
I’ve tried to explain to Gammie that people my
age don’t know how to write letters with a stamp
and a “return address” and all that stuff, but
she doesn’t wanna hear it.
At Uncle Gary’s last wedding, Gammie handed me
a starter letter plus an envelope with her address
and a stamp on it so I wouldn’t have any excuse
not to write.
G. Heffley
12 surrey street
Gammie heffley
38 Bacon street
East
Dear Gammie,
Love,
Gregory
40
But I STILL haven’t filled it in and mailed it
yet. So now every time I walk past my desk in my
bedroom, I feel guilty.
Gammie is ALWAYS making you feel guilty. Last
year at Thanksgiving, I put a whoopee cushion
on her chair, and she sat on it.
Oh!
Hee hee
hee!
Flbrt!
41
A few days later everyone in the whole family got
a handwritten apology letter from Gammie.
Dear Family,
I am writing to apologize for the unfortunate
incident that occured shortly after our family
conculded “grace” at our Thanksgiving celebration.
As I have gotten older, I have found it more
difficult to control my body, and I’m afraid
my recent surgery may have contributed to my
little “slip.”
I hope that this unfortunate mishap does
not become the lasting impression of what
was otherwise a glorious and blessed occassion.
Love,
Gammie
42
Sometimes I wonder if Gammie is ju
st messing with
everyone and does this kind of thing on purpose.
Last Easter she invited the whole family to her
house, but everyone had their own thing going on,
and nobody went.
Gammie called Dad on Easter Sunday and said
she’d bought a scratch ticket and won the ten-
million-dollar grand prize. Word got around the
family quick, and everyone was at Gammie’s house in
no time flat.
But it turned out the scratch ticket wasn’t a
winner after all.
You have to match
three of the fruits
to win, gammie.
I see.
43
Gammie didn’t seem too bothered that she wasn’t a
multimillionaire after all, and I have a feeling she
got what she REALLY wanted anyway.
I hope I live to be ninety-five years old, because
if I do, I guarantee you I’ll be messing with
people, too.
I made a ham in
case anyone
stopped by!
Your underwear
goes underneath
your clothes, dad!
Eh?
44
What makes me kind of nervous about going to
Gammie’s house in November is that it’s time for
me to get “the Talk.” Every time someone in my
family gets to be about my age, Gammie sits them
down and talks to them about who-knows-what. I
guess it’s one of those elder-wisdom kinds of things.
The last person to get “the Talk” from Gammie
was Rodrick, and now I’m next in line. I’m
hoping Uncle Gary breaks off his engagement so
we don’t have to go down there, because the whole
thing is making me a nervous wreck.
We’ve got a new math teacher at our school named
Mrs. Mackelroy.
Thursday
45
She used to teach kindergarten, and I don’t
think she’s real crazy about middle school kids.
We have math right after Phys Ed, so by the
time we get to Mrs. Mackelroy’s room, everyone’s
all sweaty from exercising.
Mrs. Mackelroy complained to the principal and
said she can’t teach when it smells like a “monkey
house” in the room, so the principal said that from
now on us kids have to take showers after gym.
Well, I can tell you that most of the boys in my
class were not on board with that decision.
46
The only person who was OK with it was Roger
Townsend, but he was held back twice and he’s
practically a man anyway.
So the rest of us decided we were gonna have
to fake it. After Phys Ed was over yesterday,
we all took turns getting our hair wet so it
LOOKED like we showered.
47
I don’t know if we really fooled Mrs. Mackelroy,
but I don’t think she’s ever gonna go into the
boys’ locker room and investigate.
This showering situation reminds me of something
that happened over the summer, when me and
Rowley were still friends. I used to go up to
Rowley’s house just about every day, but the
problem was that I had to walk past Fregley’s
house each time.
I remembered Rodrick saying that a person could
make it all the way from our house to the top of
the hill by crawling through the drainage pipe.
48
I decided to see if he was right, and believe it
or not, he was. It was pretty dark and nasty
in that drainage pipe, but it was totally worth
crawling through it to avoid Fregley.
When I headed back home, I went through the
drainage pipe again.
49
But I probably should’ve hosed off in the front
yard or something, because Mom seemed suspicious
when I walked through the front door.
I knew Mom would have a fit if she found out I
crawled through the drainage pipe, so I didn’t
say anything. But Mom told me I was gonna
have to take a shower before dinner. When I
got out of the bathroom, there was something
sitting on my bed.
Sniff
sniff
I opened it up and found a stick of deodorant
and a book.
What the Heck
Just Happened to
MY BODY?
by Darlene
Wade, Ph.D.
I put the deodorant on my dresser, but I tossed
the book in the trash. I’d seen that one before.
Mom must’ve gotten the same book for Rodrick
when he was my age, and I found it in his junk
drawer. And believe me, I do not need to see the
pictures in that book a second time.
51
And what’s worse is that Mom made me the
subject of her parenting column in our local paper
that week. She didn’t use my actual name, but I
don’t think it would’ve taken a detective to figure
out who she was talking about.
Puberty can be a
difficult time
Susan
Heffley
When a child begins to experience
the changes that come with
adolescence, the transformation can
be uncomfortable, awkward, or
even frightening. But given the
right guidance, a child can learn to
welcome, and even celebrate, the
transition into adulthood. My
second-born son recently began his
wondrous journey into his new
Sunday
Tonight Mom called a “house meeting.” And
whenever she does that, it’s never good. The last
time we had a house meeting, it was so she could
complain about the situation in the bathroom.
52
She said she was tired of having to clean the floor
around the toilet because of our “lousy aim.”
I knew exactly what she was talking about, too.
One time I actually missed the bus because I used
the bathroom after Manny.
greg, you’re
gonna miss
the bus!
i think i’m
stuck to
the floor!
All I can say is, I’m not the one causing the
problem. When Rodrick uses the bathroom, half
the time he doesn’t even turn on the light.
Mom said the new rule was that us boys were
gonna have to sit down every time we used the
bathroom, no matter what.
53
But none of us guys liked THAT idea. Rodrick
suggested we just buy a couple of urinals, since
there are more of US than there are of HER.
Plus, that way, more than one person could go at
the same time.
But Mom said that would be “tacky,” and she used
her veto power to shut his idea down.
I thought tonight’s house meeting was gonna be
a follow-up to the bathroom meeting, since nobody
was following the sitting-down rule and things
are worse than ever. But this meeting was about
something completely different.
54
Mom told us that she was going back to school
and that she
was gonna start taking classes a
few times a week.
Well, I was totally caught off guard by this
news. Mom’s ALWAYS there when I get home
from school, and that’s the way I like it.
here
you go!
dump
But Mom said that after all these years of
staying at home with us kids, she needs to do
something that stimulates her mind. So she said
she’s gonna take classes for a semester and see
how it goes.
55
I guess I can understand why Mom would want
to branch out, because if I did the kinds of
things she does every day, I’d probably be going
bananas, too.
Mom said us men are gonna have to make our own
dinners a few nights a week and start doing
chores that she usually takes care of herself.
Mommy & Me
DANCE CLASS
One of those chores is making lunches, and to be
honest with you, I’m pretty happy that one is
getting turned over to us.
56
Mom writes a note on our lunch bags every day,
and I can definitely live without THAT.
Wednesday
OK, so the first few nights with Mom away have
been a disaster. We tried making dinner on our
own on Monday, but none of us knew what we
were doing.
Dear Gregory-
Have a healthy,
happy day!
Love,
Mom
Manny was in charge of making the iced tea,
but it was undrinkable since he stirred it with his
bare hands.
stir
stir
57
Rodrick was in charge of cooking the roast beef,
but he forgot to take the plastic wrap off before
putting it in the oven.
why is this
meat shiny?
So we bagged the homemade meal idea and went out
to eat. When we left the restaurant, Rodrick spit
his gum at some moths that were flying around, and
he hit Dad by accident.
spit
58
Dad chased Rodrick around the parking lot, but