OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Old School
The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book
The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary
COMING SOON: MORE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID
PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and
incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously,
and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments,
events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may
be obtained from the Library of Congress.
ISBN: 978-1-4197-2344-5
eISBN: 978-1-61312-992-0
Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2016 Wimpy Kid, Inc.
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™
are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved.
Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards logo copyright © 2016 Viacom Media Networks
Book design by Jeff Kinney
Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney
Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS.
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the
publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of
Harry N. Abrams, Inc.
Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity
for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use.
Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact
specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.
ABRAMS The Art of Books
115 West 18th Street, New York, Ny 10011
abramsbooks.com
TO DORIAN
OCTOBER
Wednesday
My parents are always saying the world doesn’t
revolve around me, but sometimes I wonder if it
actually DOES.
When I was a little kid, I saw this movie about
a man whose whole life is secretly being filmed
for a TV show. This guy is famous all over the
world, and he doesn’t KNOW it.
Well, ever since I saw that movie, I’ve kind of
figured the same thing is probably happening to ME.
HOPE YOU CREEPS
ARE ENJOYING
YOURSELVES!
At first I was annoyed my life was being
broadcast without my permission. But then I
realized that if millions of people are tuning in
every day to see what I’m up to, that’s actually
kind of COOL.
Sometimes I worry that my life is too BORING
to be its own television show, so I try to do
something entertaining every now and then to give
the people watching at home a good chuckle.
WHOOPS!
TRIP
SPLOP
2
The other thing I do is send my audience little
signals to let them know I’m in on the secret.
If my life’s a TV show, then there’s gotta be
commercial breaks. I figure they must run the ads
when I’m in the bathroom, so I always make a
big entrance after I finish up in there.
WHO ATE THE
LAST CUPCAKE?
IT
WASN’T
ME!
WINK
I’M BAAAACCCCKKK!
3
But sometimes I wonder how much of my life is
REAL and how much of it is RIGGED. Because
half the things that happen to me are so
ridiculous, I wonder if someone ELSE is pulling
the strings.
If it’s all fake, the LEAST the people in
charge can do is give me some juicier story lines
to work with.
HOW ABOUT “GREG GETS A GIRLFRIEND”? OR
“GREG GETS A MOTORCYCLE”? OR “GREG
GETS A GIRLFRIEND AND A MOTORCYCLE”?
4
Every once in a while I wonder if the people in
my life are who they SEEM to be, or if they’re
really just ACTORS.
If they’re actors, I hope the kid who’s playing
my friend Rowley gets an award, because he’s
doing a great job pretending to be a doofus.
And if my brother Rodrick is actually just some
guy getting PAID to act like a jerk, then that
makes me see him in a whole new light.
Who knows? Maybe he’s a nice guy in real life, and
one day we’ll be good friends.
5
But if my PARENTS are actors, then that’s
just wrong.
I’ve made a lot of Mother’s and Father’s Day
cards over the years. If this is all a sham, then
I deserve to get paid for my time and effort.
MORE BUBBLES,
SWEETIE?
SQUIRT
MOM-
MY
To a
great
DAD
6
And speaking of getting paid, I’ll bet my REAL
parents are set for life, thanks to me.
But I’m doing everything I can to make sure
I can cash in later. On most TV shows, the
main character has a catchphrase that they say
at least once per episode. So I’ve come up with
a catchphrase of my OWN, and I drop it into
conversation every once in a while.
CLINK
WELL, BITE
MY BISCUITS!
7
Later on I’m gonna slap my catchphrase on every
piece of merchandise I can think of and wait for
the money to start rolling in.
I’ll guarantee THIS, though. I’m not gonna end
up as one of those washed-up celebrities who sells
pictures at autograph conventions just to make a
cheap buck.
BITE MY
BISCUITS
BITE
MY
BISCUITS
BITE
MY
BISCUITS
BITE
MY
BISCUITS
SAY IT!
SAY IT!
I DIN’T
THINK SO.
BITE
MY
BISCUITS
THE
BITE MY
BISCUITS
GUY
8
The one thing I’ve learned about television is that
sooner or later, every show gets canceled. But in
the last season they usually introduce a new pet or
a cute kid to bump up the ratings.
So when my little brother, Manny, was born, I<
br />
figured they were trying to replace me as the star
of the show with a fresh new face.
The thing I couldn’t figure out was how a
newborn baby could be an ACTOR. I thought
maybe Manny was a puppet being controlled by an
adult who was hidden from view.
I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT THIS IS!
9
I never found any evidence that this was true,
but that didn’t stop me from checking every once
in a while just to make sure.
As Manny got older, it was pretty clear he was
getting around on his own. So then I wondered
if he was actually a super-high-tech windup toy or
even some kind of ROBOT.
Then I thought maybe EVERYBODY around
me was a robot and I was the only actual human
being in the family. Robots need electricity for
power, so that would explain why we have two or
three outlets in every room of the house.
SCOOT
SCOOT
10
It would ALSO explain some of the things my
parents say when they think I’m not listening.
If robots use batteries, it explains why we have
so many of them in the plastic bin in the laundry
room. I’m not exactly sure where the batteries
GO, but I do have a few guesses.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND AND
RECHARGE OUR BATTERIES.
SHUDDER
11
I figured the only way to find out if my family
members were robots was to see if I could get
one of them to short-circuit. But either Dad’s a
waterproof model or he’s just a regular human with
no sense of humor.
THAT incident got me grounded for a week. The
people watching my show probably had a good
laugh, but I’m sure the ratings were in the toilet
for a while after that.
FWOOSH
JUNE
12
I guess there’s a chance that I’m just an
ordinary kid living a normal life, and I’m NOT
the star of some TV show. But there could still
be SOMEONE out there watching.
With all the planets in the universe, there’s
GOTTA be intelligent life out there. Some people
say that if aliens were real, UFOs would be
zipping around our skies all the time. But I figure
aliens are SMART, and they’re just keeping a low
profile until the time is right to invade.
They’re probably spying on us at this very
second, gathering information about the way we
live our lives.
13
My bet is that houseflies are actually little drones
that the aliens use to beam images back to their
ships. Because if you’ve ever seen a picture of a
fly up close, it’s pretty obvious their “eyes” are
actually high-tech cameras.
The only thing I don’t understand is that aliens
seem to be really fascinated with dog poop. But I
guess they’ve got their reasons for that.
WHO LEFT THIS
WINDOW OPEN?
WAVE
WAVE
14
I’ve tried to explain my theories to my parents
and other grown-ups, but it’s pretty clear nobody
wants to hear what some kid has to say. So every
chance I get, I make sure the aliens know I’m
on their side.
I hope I got it right about the flies, though.
Because if the drones are actually MOSQUITOES,
we can probably expect an alien invasion any
second now.
TAKE ME
WITH YOU!
SMACK
FWOOSH
15
The thing is, I’ve ALWAYS felt like someone’s
out there keeping tabs on my life.
After my grandmother passed away, Mom told
me I’d be safe because Nana was watching over me
from heaven. I think that’s great and all, but
I’ve got a lot of issues with the way it works.
I’m fine with Nana watching over me when I’m
riding a skateboard or doing something where I
could use a little extra protection. But there are
other times when you just need some privacy.
16
What worries me is that, when Nana was alive,
sometimes I could be pretty obnoxious. So if I
was her, I wouldn’t really CARE if something
happened to me.
YOU SMELL
LIKE
ASPARAGUS!
17
If Nana looks the other way when I’m crossing
the street or something like that, I can’t say I
blame her.
I actually feel kind of BAD if Nana has to
keep an eye on me twenty-four hours a day. She
worked hard all her life as a waitress, so she
earned the right to RELAX.
HERE I GO,
NANA!
DINER
CLOSED
18
I hope she’s sitting in a bubble bath up there
in heaven reading her romance novels, and not
watching some ungrateful middle school kid doing
his homework every night.
I’ll tell you THIS: If I get into heaven, I’m
gonna spend all my time swimming in a giant pool
filled with jelly beans or doing loop-the-loops
around the clouds.
YAHOOO!
19
There’s no chance I’m gonna get stuck watching
over some great grandkid I hardly even knew.
The only thing that will make it fun is if I have
the power to punish my descendants whenever they
do something annoying.
KZAPP!!
20
Recently, Mom told me it’s not just NANA who’s
watching over me, it’s ALL my relatives who’ve
passed away.
I kind of wish she hadn’t told me that, because
now when I copy off of Alex Aruda’s paper
during a spelling test, I feel a lot more guilty
about it.
I want to know how many generations this
thing goes BACK. I’m fine with a few hundred
years or so, but if it’s my whole family tree
all the way to the beginning, that’s a totally
different story.
21
I mean, if I’ve got relatives from caveman times
watching over me, those guys are probably gonna be
pretty confused by what I do on an average day.
To be honest, I’m not comfortable with all these
people looking over my shoulder. If my relatives
are really watching me every time I step out of
the shower or taste my earwax, it’s gonna be
pretty awkward when we reunite later on.
BLEEP
BORP
BLAP
HEYYYY,
GUYS!
22
Thursday
We have the book fair at school this week, and
this morning Mom gave me twenty dollars to spend.
I THOUGHT I was allowed to pick whatever I
wanted, but it turns out Mom expected me to spend
the money on BOOKS.
When you get the chance to own a giant pencil
with googly eyes, though, it’s kind of hard to
pass up.
> Besides the pencil, I got a poster with a cat
saying something sarcastic, an eraser shaped like a
panda, a calculator that glows in the dark, a pen
that writes underwater, and another giant pencil
with googly eyes, just in case the first one gets
lost or stolen.
SCRIBBLE
SCRIBBLE
23
I thought there was a chance Mom might not
be happy with the way I spent her money, so
I made sure to also buy a yo-yo with a good
message on it.
But Mom wasn’t impressed. She says I have to
go back tomorrow and trade in all the stuff I
bought for books.
Mom says the brain is like a muscle, and if you
don’t exercise it by reading and doing creative
stuff, it’ll get weak and mushy.
She says video games and TV are making my brain
flabby, and if something doesn’t change I’m
basically gonna be a mindless zombie for the rest
of my life.
READ
24
Mom said if I turned off the television and put
down my game controller, I might discover a
talent I never knew I had.
That’s a nice idea and all, but I feel like every
time Mom’s tried to get me to step out of my
comfort zone, I’ve fallen flat on my face.
In the third grade we had a Poetry unit in school,
and when I showed her what I was working on,
Mom was pretty impressed. She sent one of my
poems off to the National Poetry Council to see if
THEY thought it was any good.
Two weeks later, we got a letter back in the mail.
NATIONAL POETRY COUNCIL
Dear Gregory Heffley,
Congratulations! Your poem, “My Silly Summer,”
has been chosen to appear in the prestigious Poetry
Anthology, an annual collection of the nation’s best
work by the most promising poets.
25
Mom was REALLY excited about the news, and
I admit I was, too. I kind of got into the
idea of being a poet, and even started to dress
differently at school.