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    Double Down (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 11)


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      OTHER BOOKS BY JEFF KINNEY

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Third Wheel

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

      Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Old School

      The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book

      The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary

      COMING SOON: MORE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

      PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and

      incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously,

      and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments,

      events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

      Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may

      be obtained from the Library of Congress.

      ISBN: 978-1-4197-2344-5

      eISBN: 978-1-61312-992-0

      Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © 2016 Wimpy Kid, Inc.

      DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™

      are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved.

      Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards logo copyright © 2016 Viacom Media Networks

      Book design by Jeff Kinney

      Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

      Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS.

      All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

      system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic,

      photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the

      publisher. Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of

      Harry N. Abrams, Inc.

      Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity

      for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use.

      Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact

      specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.

      ABRAMS The Art of Books

      115 West 18th Street, New York, Ny 10011

      abramsbooks.com

      TO DORIAN

      OCTOBER

      Wednesday

      My parents are always saying the world doesn’t

      revolve around me, but sometimes I wonder if it

      actually DOES.

      When I was a little kid, I saw this movie about

      a man whose whole life is secretly being filmed

      for a TV show. This guy is famous all over the

      world, and he doesn’t KNOW it.

      Well, ever since I saw that movie, I’ve kind of

      figured the same thing is probably happening to ME.

      HOPE YOU CREEPS

      ARE ENJOYING

      YOURSELVES!

      At first I was annoyed my life was being

      broadcast without my permission. But then I

      realized that if millions of people are tuning in

      every day to see what I’m up to, that’s actually

      kind of COOL.

      Sometimes I worry that my life is too BORING

      to be its own television show, so I try to do

      something entertaining every now and then to give

      the people watching at home a good chuckle.

      WHOOPS!

      TRIP

      SPLOP

      2

      The other thing I do is send my audience little

      signals to let them know I’m in on the secret.

      If my life’s a TV show, then there’s gotta be

      commercial breaks. I figure they must run the ads

      when I’m in the bathroom, so I always make a

      big entrance after I finish up in there.

      WHO ATE THE

      LAST CUPCAKE?

      IT

      WASN’T

      ME!

      WINK

      I’M BAAAACCCCKKK!

      3

      But sometimes I wonder how much of my life is

      REAL and how much of it is RIGGED. Because

      half the things that happen to me are so

      ridiculous, I wonder if someone ELSE is pulling

      the strings.

      If it’s all fake, the LEAST the people in

      charge can do is give me some juicier story lines

      to work with.

      HOW ABOUT “GREG GETS A GIRLFRIEND”? OR

      “GREG GETS A MOTORCYCLE”? OR “GREG

      GETS A GIRLFRIEND AND A MOTORCYCLE”?

      4

      Every once in a while I wonder if the people in

      my life are who they SEEM to be, or if they’re

      really just ACTORS.

      If they’re actors, I hope the kid who’s playing

      my friend Rowley gets an award, because he’s

      doing a great job pretending to be a doofus.

      And if my brother Rodrick is actually just some

      guy getting PAID to act like a jerk, then that

      makes me see him in a whole new light.

      Who knows? Maybe he’s a nice guy in real life, and

      one day we’ll be good friends.

      5

      But if my PARENTS are actors, then that’s

      just wrong.

      I’ve made a lot of Mother’s and Father’s Day

      cards over the years. If this is all a sham, then

      I deserve to get paid for my time and effort.

      MORE BUBBLES,

      SWEETIE?

      SQUIRT

      MOM-

      MY

      To a

      great

      DAD

      6

      And speaking of getting paid, I’ll bet my REAL

      parents are set for life, thanks to me.

      But I’m doing everything I can to make sure

      I can cash in later. On most TV shows, the

      main character has a catchphrase that they say

      at least once per episode. So I’ve come up with

      a catchphrase of my OWN, and I drop it into

      conversation every once in a while.

      CLINK

      WELL, BITE

      MY BISCUITS!

      7

      Later on I’m gonna slap my catchphrase on every

      piece of merchandise I can think of and wait for

      the money to start rolling in.

      I’ll guarantee THIS, though. I’m not gonna end

      up as one of those washed-up celebrities who sells

      pictures at autograph conventions just to make a

      cheap buck.

      BITE MY

      BISCUITS

      BITE

      MY

      BISCUITS

      BITE

      MY

      BISCUITS

      BITE

      MY

      BISCUITS

      SAY IT!

      SAY IT!

      I DIN’T

      THINK SO.

      BITE

      MY

      BISCUITS

      THE

      BITE MY

      BISCUITS

      GUY

      8

      The one thing I’ve learned about television is that

      sooner or later, every show gets canceled. But in

      the last season they usually introduce a new pet or

      a cute kid to bump up the ratings.

      So when my little brother, Manny, was born, I<
    br />
      figured they were trying to replace me as the star

      of the show with a fresh new face.

      The thing I couldn’t figure out was how a

      newborn baby could be an ACTOR. I thought

      maybe Manny was a puppet being controlled by an

      adult who was hidden from view.

      I KNOW EXACTLY

      WHAT THIS IS!

      9

      I never found any evidence that this was true,

      but that didn’t stop me from checking every once

      in a while just to make sure.

      As Manny got older, it was pretty clear he was

      getting around on his own. So then I wondered

      if he was actually a super-high-tech windup toy or

      even some kind of ROBOT.

      Then I thought maybe EVERYBODY around

      me was a robot and I was the only actual human

      being in the family. Robots need electricity for

      power, so that would explain why we have two or

      three outlets in every room of the house.

      SCOOT

      SCOOT

      10

      It would ALSO explain some of the things my

      parents say when they think I’m not listening.

      If robots use batteries, it explains why we have

      so many of them in the plastic bin in the laundry

      room. I’m not exactly sure where the batteries

      GO, but I do have a few guesses.

      MAYBE WE SHOULD GO AWAY

      FOR THE WEEKEND AND

      RECHARGE OUR BATTERIES.

      SHUDDER

      11

      I figured the only way to find out if my family

      members were robots was to see if I could get

      one of them to short-circuit. But either Dad’s a

      waterproof model or he’s just a regular human with

      no sense of humor.

      THAT incident got me grounded for a week. The

      people watching my show probably had a good

      laugh, but I’m sure the ratings were in the toilet

      for a while after that.

      FWOOSH

      JUNE

      12

      I guess there’s a chance that I’m just an

      ordinary kid living a normal life, and I’m NOT

      the star of some TV show. But there could still

      be SOMEONE out there watching.

      With all the planets in the universe, there’s

      GOTTA be intelligent life out there. Some people

      say that if aliens were real, UFOs would be

      zipping around our skies all the time. But I figure

      aliens are SMART, and they’re just keeping a low

      profile until the time is right to invade.

      They’re probably spying on us at this very

      second, gathering information about the way we

      live our lives.

      13

      My bet is that houseflies are actually little drones

      that the aliens use to beam images back to their

      ships. Because if you’ve ever seen a picture of a

      fly up close, it’s pretty obvious their “eyes” are

      actually high-tech cameras.

      The only thing I don’t understand is that aliens

      seem to be really fascinated with dog poop. But I

      guess they’ve got their reasons for that.

      WHO LEFT THIS

      WINDOW OPEN?

      WAVE

      WAVE

      14

      I’ve tried to explain my theories to my parents

      and other grown-ups, but it’s pretty clear nobody

      wants to hear what some kid has to say. So every

      chance I get, I make sure the aliens know I’m

      on their side.

      I hope I got it right about the flies, though.

      Because if the drones are actually MOSQUITOES,

      we can probably expect an alien invasion any

      second now.

      TAKE ME

      WITH YOU!

      SMACK

      FWOOSH

      15

      The thing is, I’ve ALWAYS felt like someone’s

      out there keeping tabs on my life.

      After my grandmother passed away, Mom told

      me I’d be safe because Nana was watching over me

      from heaven. I think that’s great and all, but

      I’ve got a lot of issues with the way it works.

      I’m fine with Nana watching over me when I’m

      riding a skateboard or doing something where I

      could use a little extra protection. But there are

      other times when you just need some privacy.

      16

      What worries me is that, when Nana was alive,

      sometimes I could be pretty obnoxious. So if I

      was her, I wouldn’t really CARE if something

      happened to me.

      YOU SMELL

      LIKE

      ASPARAGUS!

      17

      If Nana looks the other way when I’m crossing

      the street or something like that, I can’t say I

      blame her.

      I actually feel kind of BAD if Nana has to

      keep an eye on me twenty-four hours a day. She

      worked hard all her life as a waitress, so she

      earned the right to RELAX.

      HERE I GO,

      NANA!

      DINER

      CLOSED

      18

      I hope she’s sitting in a bubble bath up there

      in heaven reading her romance novels, and not

      watching some ungrateful middle school kid doing

      his homework every night.

      I’ll tell you THIS: If I get into heaven, I’m

      gonna spend all my time swimming in a giant pool

      filled with jelly beans or doing loop-the-loops

      around the clouds.

      YAHOOO!

      19

      There’s no chance I’m gonna get stuck watching

      over some great grandkid I hardly even knew.

      The only thing that will make it fun is if I have

      the power to punish my descendants whenever they

      do something annoying.

      KZAPP!!

      20

      Recently, Mom told me it’s not just NANA who’s

      watching over me, it’s ALL my relatives who’ve

      passed away.

      I kind of wish she hadn’t told me that, because

      now when I copy off of Alex Aruda’s paper

      during a spelling test, I feel a lot more guilty

      about it.

      I want to know how many generations this

      thing goes BACK. I’m fine with a few hundred

      years or so, but if it’s my whole family tree

      all the way to the beginning, that’s a totally

      different story.

      21

      I mean, if I’ve got relatives from caveman times

      watching over me, those guys are probably gonna be

      pretty confused by what I do on an average day.

      To be honest, I’m not comfortable with all these

      people looking over my shoulder. If my relatives

      are really watching me every time I step out of

      the shower or taste my earwax, it’s gonna be

      pretty awkward when we reunite later on.

      BLEEP

      BORP

      BLAP

      HEYYYY,

      GUYS!

      22

      Thursday

      We have the book fair at school this week, and

      this morning Mom gave me twenty dollars to spend.

      I THOUGHT I was allowed to pick whatever I

      wanted, but it turns out Mom expected me to spend

      the money on BOOKS.

      When you get the chance to own a giant pencil

      with googly eyes, though, it’s kind of hard to

      pass up.

    >   Besides the pencil, I got a poster with a cat

      saying something sarcastic, an eraser shaped like a

      panda, a calculator that glows in the dark, a pen

      that writes underwater, and another giant pencil

      with googly eyes, just in case the first one gets

      lost or stolen.

      SCRIBBLE

      SCRIBBLE

      23

      I thought there was a chance Mom might not

      be happy with the way I spent her money, so

      I made sure to also buy a yo-yo with a good

      message on it.

      But Mom wasn’t impressed. She says I have to

      go back tomorrow and trade in all the stuff I

      bought for books.

      Mom says the brain is like a muscle, and if you

      don’t exercise it by reading and doing creative

      stuff, it’ll get weak and mushy.

      She says video games and TV are making my brain

      flabby, and if something doesn’t change I’m

      basically gonna be a mindless zombie for the rest

      of my life.

      READ

      24

      Mom said if I turned off the television and put

      down my game controller, I might discover a

      talent I never knew I had.

      That’s a nice idea and all, but I feel like every

      time Mom’s tried to get me to step out of my

      comfort zone, I’ve fallen flat on my face.

      In the third grade we had a Poetry unit in school,

      and when I showed her what I was working on,

      Mom was pretty impressed. She sent one of my

      poems off to the National Poetry Council to see if

      THEY thought it was any good.

      Two weeks later, we got a letter back in the mail.

      NATIONAL POETRY COUNCIL

      Dear Gregory Heffley,

      Congratulations! Your poem, “My Silly Summer,”

      has been chosen to appear in the prestigious Poetry

      Anthology, an annual collection of the nation’s best

      work by the most promising poets.

      25

      Mom was REALLY excited about the news, and

      I admit I was, too. I kind of got into the

      idea of being a poet, and even started to dress

      differently at school.

     

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