But it turns out the whole “Poetry Anthology”
thing was a big JOKE. First of all, the book
was about a thousand pages long, and all the
poems were in really tiny print. It took me a half
hour to find my poem in there, and they spelled
my name wrong, anyway.
26
I read a few of the other poems, and they were
AWFUL. Most of them seemed like they were
written by five-year-olds.
It was pretty obvious that ANYONE could have
their poem included in this book, and the whole
“nation’s best work” thing was just a bunch of
baloney. I guess the way the National Poetry
Council makes money is by selling the book to all
the suckers who got PUBLISHED in it.
What I know for sure is, the Poetry Council made
a LOT of money off of us. Mom bought ten copies
to hand out to relatives, and the books were
eighty bucks a pop.
My Turtle Fred
by Maya Peebles
My turtle Fred
He is not dead
He sleeps in his shell
And when he does die
I guess he will smell
27
Plus, she bought a few extra copies for ME, in case
I wanted to give them to my kids one day.
The National Poetry Council kept sending us
letters and calling, asking us to buy more books,
and I think after a while Mom finally realized it
was all just a giant scam.
My copies of the “Poetry Anthology” are in the
laundry room, but at least they’re being put to
good use.
Once Mom got it in her head that I was
SPECIAL, she wouldn’t let it go. She even tried
to get me into the Talented and Gifted program
at school.
28
In my elementary school, all the really smart kids
were in the Talented and Gifted program.
But I guess the teachers didn’t want us regular
kids to feel bad about ourselves, so when they
called the Talented and Gifted group out of class
for their meetings, they used a code name.
Mr. Halper was our janitor, and for a long time
I thought the kids in Mr. Halper’s Helpers were
just volunteers who wanted to give him a hand
emptying the trash and stuff like that.
WOULD MR. HALPER’S
HELPERS PLEASE REPORT
TO THE CAFETERIA?
29
Then I finally realized that Mr. Halper’s Helpers
were all the brainiest kids in our grade.
Mom thought I belonged in Talented and Gifted,
so she tried to convince the school to let me in.
But I had to take a TEST to prove I was
smart enough.
I don’t remember everything on the test, but I
do remember one of the questions.
12:30 Lunch
1:00 Social Studies
2:00 Reading
Fill in the blank:
Johnny is the best at math.
Johnny is the best at swimming.
Johnny is the best at reading.
Johnny is .
30
Looking back, I guess I was supposed to write
down something else Johnny was the best at.
But I really didn’t like this Johnny character, so
I wrote something different.
Even though I totally flunked the test, Mom
was mad at the school because she thought I was
smart enough to be in Talented and Gifted. But
believe me, those kids are on a whole different level.
I’m actually kind of grateful I didn’t make
the cut, because in middle school, kids like Alex
Aruda have to stay inside during recess to do the
teachers’ tax returns.
Johnny is a show-off
WRITE
WRITE
31
I guess Mom felt pretty bad I didn’t get into
Talented and Gifted, but a few weeks later she
told me some good news. She said I got picked by
the school to be in a special club called the “Champs”
that had secret meetings twice a week.
Well, I was really excited about this Champs thing
and was nervous when I went to my first secret
meeting. But it turns out the Champs were just
kids like me who had trouble pronouncing their “R”s,
and we had to work with Mrs. Pressey on Tuesdays
and Thursdays in the library to try to improve.
I don’t know who came up with the Champs
name, but let me tell you, we thought it was
AWESOME.
R-R-RRR...
WWWWABBIT!
32
During recess, if the Champs were coming
through, all the other kids got out of the way.
The only kids who didn’t like us were the Language
Lizards, which was the group that met on Mondays
and Wednesdays to work on their “S” sounds. But
I think the Language Lizards were just jealous of
us because they had such a lousy name.
KICK
33
Me and the other Champs were tight, and I
really looked forward to those Tuesday and
Thursday meetings because they always ended up
turning into a free-for-all.
But Mom got frustrated that I wasn’t making
any progress with my Rs, so she hired a private
tutor to work with me after school. And after a
few months, I could say my Rs with no problem.
FLING
PIFF
RAT
ROCK
RESTROOM
RAINBOW
RATTLE
34
Unfortunately, that meant I didn’t need to be in
the Champs anymore. For a few weeks I actually
FAKED like I couldn’t say my Rs just so I could
stay in the club. But one day I let my guard
down and slipped up.
From that day on I was an outcast. Even the
Language Lizards didn’t want anything to do
with me.
HAND ME THAT
RED RULER
RANDY!
35
I guess EVERY parent thinks their kid is
special, even when they’re not. But I think it’s
starting to get a little out of control.
Manny played soccer this spring, and his team
STUNK. They never got a single goal, and the
other teams scored at least ten times a game. It
didn’t help that their goalie, Tucker Remy, spent
the whole time stuffing grass in his belly button.
At the end of the season, they had a trophy
ceremony. I thought only the kids on the
WINNING team would get trophies, which is how
it worked back when I played soccer. But I guess
some parents were worried the kids on the losing
teams might feel bad about themselves, so this
year EVERYONE got a trophy.
36
They were GOOD trophies, too. They were
gigantic and made of metal, not cheap plastic
like the ones handed out when I was little. And
no kid was more proud to get his trophy than
Tucker Remy.
I wonder if these kids will be messed up later on in
life, though. Because I know those soccer trophies
are having an effec
t on ME. Every so often I’ll
think about entering a contest at school, but when
I see the size of the trophies, I lose interest.
CLAP
CLAP
CLAP
CLAP
CLAP
CLAP
UM...I CHANGED
MY MIND.
SIGN UP
FOR THE
GEOGRAPHY BEE
37
Friday
Today I returned most of the stuff I bought
from the book fair, but when Mom saw what I
got to replace it, she wasn’t all that thrilled.
I traded for a bunch of those Spineticklers books
everyone at school is so crazy about.
Mom said she wanted me to get books that were
more “challenging,” but I didn’t really have much
of a choice. Since the book fair is a few weeks
before Halloween, this is the kind of stuff
they’re selling.
Spineticklers
THE
BRAIN
WITH A
MIND
OF
ITS
OWN
BY
I.M. SPOOKY
Spineticklers
ZOMBIES
FOR
Breakfast
BY
I.M. SPOOKY
38
I’d say about 90% of the books at the fair were
from the Spineticklers series. There were a bunch
of Spineticklers rip-offs, too. I don’t know if
it’s legal to do that kind of thing, but something
about it doesn’t seem right.
FRIGHTENINGLY
GOOD
READS
KNEE-KNOCKERS
MY BROTHER
IS A
NO-BRAINER
By M.T. GRAVE
RIBTINGLERS
THE
DAY
MY
BELLY
BUTTON
TRIED
TO
EAT
ME!
BY R.U.SCARED
39
It feels like these scary books just came out
of NOWHERE. The last series that was really
popular at my school was the Underpants Bandits
books, but those are yesterday’s news now.
In fact, I saw a kid walking down the hall with
an Underpants Bandits book earlier this week,
and an eighth-grader gave him an atomic wedgie.
I’m not usually a big fan of scary stories,
because
when I read them I end up having nightmares.
But Rowley’s even more of a chicken than I am,
because all the books HE picked out were from the
Spineticklers JUNIOR series, which are supposed
to be for kindergartners.
SCREAM!!!
40
At least I’m brave enough for the REAL stuff.
One of the books I bought is about this guy who
gets frozen and then wakes up in the future.
I thought it was just a bunch of science fiction,
but Albert Sandy said he heard about this rich
guy who’s doing it for REAL.
SCAREDY
CAT
AND THE
HAUNTED
HOUSE
BY I.M. SPOOKY
Spineticklers
WAKE ME UP IN
THE YEAR
3000
By I.M. SPOOKY
41
Albert said he saw this news report about an
old billionaire who’s really sick, and he paid a ton
of money to freeze himself. Then, in a hundred
years, he’s gonna get UNfrozen. He’s betting
that by then they’ll know how to cure every
disease and he can go on living forever.
This freezing thing sounds like a great plan to
ME. And if I strike it rich one day, I’m gonna
do the EXACT same thing.
But I’m not gonna wait till I’m old like that
billionaire.
42
The way I see it, if you freeze yourself when you’re
too old, then when they unfreeze you in the future,
you’re gonna be too grumpy to have any fun.
So if I win the lottery or something in the next
few years, I’m gonna use the money to buy myself
a one-way ticket to the future.
GET OFF
MY LAWN!
OK, LET’S DO
THIS THING!
TOSS
43
I’m not telling anyone about my plan, though.
There’s this jerk at our school named Phillip
Crivello, and his parents are rich.
So if he gets the same idea as me, I could still be
dealing with him a hundred years from now.
But I’m not sure if a hundred years is far enough
to go.
By then I’m sure I’ll have a bunch of great
nieces and nephews who need babysitting, and I’m
not spending all that money just so I can change
a bunch of dirty diapers in the future.
YOU WET
YOURSELF!
HA HA!
SQUIRT
SQUIRT
44
I’m planning on staying frozen a lot longer, like a
THOUSAND years, because by then things will be
REALLY interesting.
I’m not willing to go any further than that,
though, because who KNOWS how much human
beings will have evolved by then.
ZOO
EARLY
HUMAN
FLASH
LION
45
If I DON’T win the lottery in the next few
years, I guess I’m gonna have to find a cheaper
option. Albert Sandy said that people who can’t
afford to get their whole body frozen can just
freeze their BRAINS.
I’m kind of nervous handing my brain off to some
people I don’t even know, though. I’m guessing
they’re not paying their employees a lot of money
to basically wait around and do nothing, so I’m
kind of concerned about the quality of help they
have working at these freezing places.
OOPS!
BUMP
After your brain gets unfrozen, I guess they’ll
put it in a robot body, which probably takes a lot
of getting used to.
But if I can scrape together enough money,
I’m gonna freeze my WHOLE body and do
it RIGHT. Because whenever you go with the
cheaper option, you end up regretting it.
NERD!
PUNCH
OH, COME
ON!
GREG
47
Saturday
There are only a few weeks to go until Halloween,
and my family spent the morning putting up our
decorations in front of the house.
We used to keep it really basic and hung some
cobwebs, a few jack-o’-lanterns, and a plastic
spider or two. But then our neighbors started
going all out on Halloween, and suddenly our
decorations looked pretty skimpy.
So last year Mom handed Rodrick forty bucks and
told him to go out and pick up some more stuff
for the front porch.
R.I.P.
48
But Rodrick blew it all on this really awful electronic
plastic witch.
The way it works is, if you clap or make a loud
noise, the witch lets out this bloodcurdling
cackle
that goes on FOREVER. Then it shakes and its
eyes glow red.
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CLAP
49
But whoever created that thing set the volume
too high, and there’s no way to turn it down. You
have to wait for the witch to go through its
whole routine, which is like two minutes long.
We hung it out over the front porch last year,
but little kids were too scared of the thing,
and the only trick-or-treaters we had were the
teenagers who came by after 10 p.m.
The day after Halloween, Dad put the witch on
a shelf in the furnace room in the basement, and
that’s where it’s been ever since. But that doesn’t
mean it’s stopped causing PROBLEMS.
POUND
POUND
POUND
50
The witch is SUPER sensitive to sound, and
sometimes the slightest noise will set it off, even
if the noise is on a different floor.
To make matters WORSE, the witch seems to
have a mind of its own, and sometimes it’ll go
off randomly even if no one makes a PEEP. I’ve
had at least two sleepovers end early because of
that thing.
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
CACKLE
PIFF
51
I’ve been trying all year to convince Mom and
Dad to throw the witch away, but Dad says it’s
just a plastic toy and I need to stop being such
a scaredy-cat.
But I guess Mom got sick of the witch randomly
going off all the time, and a few weeks ago she
told Dad to go downstairs and take the batteries
out, which he did.
And what happened NEXT is the reason I
haven’t been in the furnace room ever since.
What stinks is that all my old Halloween costumes
are down in the furnace room. So unless Mom’s
willing to spring for something NEW, I guess
I’m not going trick-or-treating this year.
CACKLE