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    No Touching

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      JAKE

      How much time do I get?

      LIZA

      For that much? As long as you can last big boy.

      LIZA goes to grab the money, but JAKE pulls back.

      JAKE

      How much for half?

      LIZA

      What? What’s the matter, afraid you’ll finish too fast?

      JAKE

      Hell no! I’m just not too sure if what I’ll get is worth this much.

      LIZA

      Jake, you can use only one of those bills to get off on some college sorority sister, or you can spend it on me and experience how a real woman makes a grown man scream.

      Beat.

      JAKE

      What if I make you scream?

      LIZA

      Hah!

      JAKE

      If I make you scream first, then what kind of discount do I get?

      LIZA laughs.

      LIZA

      Trust me, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before. But…if you make me scream first…then we’ll talk about it after.

      JAKE

      Not too much talking. I’m no Robert.

      LIZA is reminded of HER special kiss with ROBERT.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      That a bad thing?

      LIZA

      We’ll be alone tonight, right?

      JAKE

      Yeah. Robert’s away on some art showing. He won’t be back till tomorrow.

      LIZA

      Do you…

      JAKE

      Do I what?

      LIZA

      Do you think this is a good idea? If Robert finds out about this-

      JAKE

      -What does he have to do with this?

      LIZA

      Nothing, but if he finds out, what do you think he’ll do?

      JAKE

      I don’t know. I guess he’d take it badly, though I don’t understand why you should care.

      LIZA

      Hey, I care.

      JAKE

      You know, I can spend this money on a whole lot of other things than you. You want to leave?

      LIZA

      I didn’t say that!

      JAKE

      Then what’s your problem?

      LIZA

      …nothing.

      LIZA grabs the money.

      LIZA (CONT.)

      Let’s go.

      LIZA waits at the bedroom door.

      Beat.

      JAKE

      Wait.

      LIZA stops.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      If…I can’t believe I’m doing this. If you think this is a bad idea, then I won’t do it. I just wanted to see what was the big deal about you. Robert thinks you’re so damn special, and I admit there’s something about you I like, but I don’t want to screw him up even more by screwing you.

      JAKE holds out HIS hand.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      So…give me my money back.

      LIZA looks at JAKE and HE waits for the money. LIZA holds JAKE’s hand.

      LIZA

      Come on.

      JAKE

      You sure?

      LIZA

      We have to see who screams first, right? My reputation and your manhood are on the line.

      JAKE

      Cool. Good. I’ll be right there. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable.

      LIZA

      …okay?

      LIZA goes into the bedroom. JAKE kicks off HIS shoes, unbuttons the shirt, takes off the belt, and starts to stretch. LIZA comes back in wearing a little less clothing than before.

      LIZA

      What the hell are you doing?

      JAKE

      You should warm up too. You’re going to regret the day you challenged me.

      LIZA laughs.

      LIZA

      Get in here, stupid.

      JAKE

      Just don’t blame me when you pull something...

      JAKE and LIZA go into the bedroom.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      …or when I pull it for you.

      JAKE closes the bedroom door.

      END ACT I, SCENE IX

      ACT BREAK

      ACT II, SCENE I

      ROBERT’s apartment. JAKE and LIZA’s voices can be heard offstage indiscernibly at first, but THEY eventually walk up right to the door.

      JAKE (OS)

      Come on, give me the discount. You did scream first.

      LIZA (OS)

      I moaned first. I didn’t scream.

      JAKE (OS)

      Moaning, screaming, what’s the difference?

      LIZA (OS)

      Could you shut up? What if he hears you?

      JAKE and LIZA open the door and enter.

      LIZA (CONT.)

      Rorbert? (To JAKE) Is Robert here?

      JAKE

      I don’t know. Is he?

      LIZA

      I don’t live here.

      JAKE

      Let me check.

      JAKE yells.

      JAKE

      Robert, you in here?

      Beat.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      Guess not. He should have been back by now. It’s the afternoon, right?

      LIZA

      Damn. That’s why I came over here. I wanted to talk to him some more.

      JAKE

      Talk. I thought you were a business woman.

      LIZA

      He pays me for it.

      JAKE

      What do you say to him?

      LIZA

      Whatever he wants.

      JAKE

      Okay, then what does he want?

      LIZA

      Why do you care? I thought you said you didn’t want any talking.

      JAKE

      Call me crazy, but I don’t like the idea of a hooker stealing my buddy’s money.

      LIZA

      He gets what he pays for!

      JAKE

      What, your life story?

      LIZA

      If that’s all he wants, then that’s his business.

      JAKE

      Two hundred dollars for talking? No wonder you’re charging me double.

      LIZA

      I will beat you to death. Don’t think I can’t do it!

      JAKE

      How much does that cost?

      LIZA

      Free of charge.

      JAKE

      Thank you.

      Beat.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      Does Robert ever talk back?

      LIZA

      Yes.

      JAKE

      What does he say?

      LIZA

      Not much.

      JAKE

      I guess you do all the talking, huh?

      LIZA

      I give him what he wants.

      JAKE

      Like the time you grabbed him? Did he ask for that?

      LIZA

      No. I did that.

      JAKE

      Messed him up pretty good.

      LIZA

      I said I was sorry.

      JAKE

      You sure saying “sorry” is enough?

      LIZA

      We’re over it.

      JAKE

      That’s good. Robert’s a pretty smart guy, but he’s sensitive. I try to help him, but there’s only so much I can do. Now, if you’re helping him get over his woman-problems, that’s good too. But if you’re just stealing his money, then you need to stop coming over.

      LIZA

      You’re going to keep me away?

      JAKE

      If I have to.

      LIZA

      And what if I tell Robert about last night?

      JAKE

      That’ll…suck…real bad. But if he doesn’t kick me out for it, I’m still not letting you come back.

      LIZA

      You can’t stop me.

      JAKE

      You’re tough, but you’re not tougher than me.

      LIZA

      You even think about touching me, and I’ll call my manager. He’s a seven foot tall asskicker, and he’ll happily tear you a new one if I ask him.

      JAKE<
    br />
      Oh yeah?

      LIZA

      Yeah.

      JAKE

      I guess you can tell him where I live.

      LIZA

      I mean it.

      JAKE

      I know.

      Beat.

      LIZA

      You’d do that for Robert?

      JAKE

      If I have to. I’d hate to kick you out of my… well, his life, but I’ll do what I have to do.

      LIZA

      You said your life.

      JAKE

      No I didn’t.

      LIZA

      Yes you did. Don’t call me a liar. I heard it.

      JAKE

      You did?

      LIZA

      Yes.

      JAKE

      Hmm. Then I guess I said that.

      ROBERT enters with a plastic bag with a few painting supplies. JAKE and LIZA spontaneously move away from each other.

      JAKE

      What’s up, Robert?

      ROBERT puts the bag down by the easel.

      ROBERT

      Hey, Jake. Liza, I thought we we’re going to meet tomorrow.

      LIZA

      Yeah, well I have business to take care of, and I need us to do our thing tonight. That okay?

      ROBERT

      Sure. I’m fine with that.

      ROBERT and LIZA both look at JAKE.

      JAKE

      I can leave if you need me to.

      ROBERT

      No, you don’t have to.

      JAKE

      You sure?

      LIZA

      Really?

      Beat.

      ROBERT

      (To JAKE) Maybe you can give us a topic to start on.

      JAKE

      Okay. Liza.

      LIZA

      What?

      JAKE

      What…bars…do you hang out at?

      JAKE opens up the refrigerator and gets a small carton of milk out.

      LIZA

      I’d have to say Cloud Ninety-Nine. Not that all my clients take me there, but I hang out there to get new customers.

      JAKE gets a box of cereal, a bowl, and pours the cereal in it.

      ROBERT

      How do you do that?

      LIZA

      I—

      JAKE

      --I already know this one. She picks out the richest, nerdiest fellow in the bar, acts like he’s the center of her universe, they go back to his place, and then she asks for the money while the guy has his pants around his legs. Am I right?

      LIZA

      Yeah.

      JAKE

      I knew it!

      JAKE pours the milk into the bowl and then puts it back into the fridge.

      ROBERT

      Really?

      LIZA

      It works like almost every time.

      JAKE gets a spoon and starts eating.

      JAKE

      I tell you, I’d be suspicious of any woman hitting on me if I was ugly.

      LIZA

      Who says you aren’t?

      JAKE

      Woman, please.

      ROBERT

      Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can’t be good-looking to every woman in the world.

      JAKE

      You too? You’re doubling up on me?

      ROBERT

      Liza?

      LIZA

      Hmm?

      ROBERT

      How attractive is Jake to you?

      JAKE

      Don’t ask her that. She said I was ugly.

      LIZA

      I don’t know. Let me see.

      LIZA walks around JAKE and examines HIS body. JAKE continues to eat cereal while flexing for HER.

      LIZA (CONT.)

      I’d say…

      JAKE

      On a ten-to-one scale.

      LIZA

      In that case, I’d say an eight.

      JAKE

      An eight?!

      LIZA

      You could be a nine.

      JAKE

      What’s holding me back?

      ROBERT

      Your wardrobe?

      JAKE and LIZA look at ROBERT.

      JAKE

      No, you just didn’t.

      ROBERT

      I think I just did.

      LIZA

      Yeah, what are you going to do about it?

      JAKE puts down the bowl.

      JAKE

      This.

      JAKE takes the spoon, licks the milk off, and holds it like a knife.

      ROBERT

      What are you doing?

      JAKE

      Payback!

      JAKE corners ROBERT with the threat of touching ROBERT with the licked-on spoon. ROBERT is not actually afraid this time, but more entertained.

      ROBERT

      Jake, don’t do it!

      JAKE

      Sorry. Going to have to.

      ROBERT

      Liza!

      LIZA runs over and digs her nails into JAKE’s butt. JAKE jumps.

      JAKE

      Jesus, woman!

      LIZA

      Look at that. I didn’t even break a nail.

      JAKE quickly grabs LIZA and puts HER over HIS shoulder.

      LIZA (CONT.)

      What the hell are you doing?!

      JAKE

      Taking out his defenses. Come here, Robert!

      JAKE runs after ROBERT with the spoon, who easily can escape the man carefully holding a woman over a shoulder.

      LIZA

      Save me, Robert!

      ROBERT

      I think it would be better for me to save myself first!

      ROBERT opens the refrigerator and grabs a ketchup bottle. HE opens it and prepares to fire.

      ROBERT

      Surrender!

      JAKE stops.

      JAKE

      You wouldn’t dare.

      ROBERT takes aim.

      ROBERT

      Surrender.

      LIZA

      Jake, do it! I don’t want stains on this dress.

      JAKE

      Alright, alright.

      JAKE puts down the spoon, and then LIZA. SHE moves out of the line of fire.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      I give up.

      ROBERT

      Admit that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

      JAKE

      What?

      ROBERT

      Admit it!

      JAKE

      Okay! I admit it.

      ROBERT

      Okay.

      ROBERT puts the bottle back into the refrigerator. THEY all laugh and take a breath.

      JAKE

      Liza, can you take your nails out please?

      LIZA

      I already let go.

      JAKE

      I know, but I still feel them.

      Beat.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      I’ll let you two have your time together.

      ROBERT

      You sure?

      JAKE

      I can’t handle your guys’ version of talking.

      JAKE goes to the door.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      Later.

      JAKE exits.

      ROBERT

      How hard did you grab him?

      LIZA

      Hard enough. He really is made of muscle.

      ROBERT

      I guess.

      LIZA

      I’ll remember that for next time.

      LIZA immediately senses that SHE said the wrong thing. ROBERT is a little put off by that remark, but HE lets it slide.

      END ACT II, SCENE I

      ACT II, SCENE II

      There is no one in ROBERT’s apartment, and it is completely dark.

      SFX: the door handle is turned

      JAKE (OS)

      Locked.

      SFX: keys being turned.

      JAKE opens the door.

      JAKE (OS)

      There we go.

      JAKE enters and turns on the light switch, but nothing happens. HE walks in and trips over a chair.

      JAKE

      Son of a…

      LIZA (OS)


      What happened?

      LIZA enters.

      LIZA (CONT.)

      Why didn’t you turn on the light?

      JAKE gets up.

      JAKE

      It’s a dimmer. It is on.

      LIZA turns the lights on by adjusting the dimmer.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      See. I was right.

      LIZA

      Yeah, you’re such an Einstein.

      JAKE

      Who?

      LIZA

      Never mind. Go get my money.

      JAKE

      I’m going.

      JAKE goes into the bedroom. LIZA looks through ROBERT’s picture book until JAKE returns with some money in hand.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      There you are. Double the bail like I promised.

      LIZA puts the book down and counts the money.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      You don’t trust me?

      LIZA

      Trust the man I just bailed out of jail?

     

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