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    No Touching

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      JAKE

      I didn’t rob a bank or anything. I punched a guy who swung at me first.

      LIZA

      Was he drunk too?

      JAKE

      Well, he didn’t land the hit. And who says I’m drunk?

      LIZA

      It’s all here. You going to be okay?

      JAKE

      My buzz is long gone. After sitting next to a three-hundred pound guy with the tattoo “I (heart) Jeffrey”, I sobered up in a hurry.

      LIZA

      Okay.

      JAKE

      Hey, thanks for helping me. I would have called on one of my buddies, but they were sharing the jail cell next to mine. You know how it is; one guy gets in a fight, so does everyone else.

      LIZA

      Money’s money.

      JAKE

      But you didn’t know if I had it or not.

      LIZA

      If you stiffed me, I knew Robert would cover you.

      JAKE

      Probably.

      LIZA

      Why didn’t you call him?

      JAKE

      He’s on some art show. Never answers his phone when he’s on a trip.

      LIZA

      Alright. Goodbye.

      LIZA starts to walk to the door, but JAKE moves in HER way.

      JAKE

      Woah. I feel a little guilty about ruining your Saturday night. Let me make it up to you.

      LIZA

      Jake, Saturday is a big working night for us escorts, if you didn’t get that already.

      JAKE

      You lose a client because of me?

      LIZA

      One.

      JAKE

      Then I owe you.

      LIZA

      How about you stop arguing if I moaned or screamed last week?

      JAKE

      You screamed, and no. I’m going to win that argument sooner or later.

      LIZA

      Whatever. How are you going to pay me back then?

      JAKE

      I…don’t know. Need me to move furniture around or something?

      JAKE tries to think of something. LIZA gets tired of it and walks over to the refrigerator. SHE opens it and takes out a beer.

      LIZA

      This yours?

      JAKE

      Woah! And yes, those are mine, but I don’t think you want it.

      LIZA

      Why not?

      JAKE

      The only women allowed to drink my beers earn the right in that bedroom back there.

      LIZA

      I think I earned it already. Besides, bailing you out of jail isn’t enough?

      JAKE

      I guess it’s worth one.

      LIZA opens the beer and drinks half the bottle.

      JAKE

      Damn woman!

      LIZA

      I have to go back to work.

      JAKE

      You going to down the rest?

      LIZA holds HER chest and feels the indigestion.

      LIZA

      How cheap is this?

      JAKE

      Hey, that’s the best tasting beer under five dollars I’ve ever found.

      LIZA

      How many do you get for five?

      JAKE

      Enough.

      LIZA takes another sip.

      LIZA

      Thanks.

      LIZA walks to the door.

      JAKE

      You’d better finish that here. Don’t want to get pinched for public intoxication.

      LIZA

      It’s one beer.

      JAKE

      That’s all I had.

      LIZA

      Really?

      JAKE

      In that last half-hour before the cops came.

      LIZA laughs.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      If you stay, you’ll get to hang out with me more.

      LIZA

      I think I’ve had enough.

      JAKE

      You’ve seen the ‘party guy’ me. I can be other people.

      LIZA

      Like what?

      JAKE

      ‘Romantic guy’.

      LIZA

      You can be romantic?

      JAKE

      Sure!

      LIZA

      Prove it.

      JAKE

      Okay. Sit back and let me ‘wine and dine’ you.

      JAKE messes with the lights.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      How the hell does this work?

      The lights dim.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      There we go. Here, give me that.

      JAKE takes HER beer, gets one for HIMSELF, and goes to the kitchen-area. HE gets two plastic wine glasses and pours the beers into them. HE hands a glass to LIZA.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      Here you are.

      LIZA

      This isn’t wine, and I don’t see the dine.

      JAKE

      Hmm.

      JAKE looks in the refrigerator.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      Other than stuff with soy, the only thing I got is bread aaaaaaaand—

      LIZA

      --butter?

      JAKE

      Yeah. Want some?

      LIZA

      …sure.

      JAKE prepares the bread and butter and LIZA downs the rest of her beer.

      LIZA

      Is this part of the genuine ‘Jake Experience’ the other girls get?

      JAKE

      You know it. Feeling all tingly yet?

      LIZA

      My tongue is.

      HE brings the bread to HER, and notices SHE drank HER beer.

      JAKE

      How you going to wash it down?

      LIZA exchanges glasses.

      JAKE

      Two beers? No woman’s ever dared to cash out on that tab.

      LIZA

      Well…here’s to me being the first.

      LIZA touches HER filled glass against JAKE’s empty one. THEY drink.

      JAKE

      I’m serious about the two beers thing.

      LIZA

      I know.

      JAKE

      You do? Then you know what you’re in for, right?

      LIZA

      You going to yell and hold up your arms like you scored a touchdown this time?

      JAKE

      Hey, I did that, because I won the bet.

      LIZA

      You didn’t win the bet.

      JAKE

      That’s undecided for now.

      LIZA puts down the glass.

      LIZA

      What about Robert?

      JAKE

      I told you he’s gone for the night. He went…I wasn’t really paying attention, but he’ll be gone till tomorrow.

      LIZA

      It’s just…I don’t want him to see us together.

      JAKE

      I know. I’ll wake you up in the morning. I’ll wake you up the good way if you earn it.

      LIZA

      You won’t be able to after I suck you dry tonight.

      JAKE

      Then let’s get to it.

      LIZA puts her sash around JAKE’s neck and pulls HIM into the bedroom.

      END ACT II, SCENE II

      ACT II, SCENE III

      ROBERT, dressed in a suit, comes back tired and relieved to be in HIS home again. HE gets some sanitizer out of the bottle and relaxes.

      JAKE walks in from the bedroom wearing boxers and a t-shirt. ROBERT’s entry has wakened JAKE from a deep sleep.

      JAKE

      You look nice. Where’s the party, Mr. Tux?

      ROBERT

      I had to present my paintings to a large crowd of fans last night in San Francisco. Thank god it’s over. I didn’t get to sleep at all. “What does this mean to you?” “How long did it take to finish?” “Does the person in this painting actually exist?” By the time it was over, the other artists decided to take me out to breakfast as a ‘thank you’ for bringing my fame to their art show. I never knew artists could be so boring.

      JAKE

      Sounds tough, but pretty soon you
    ’ll have to answer that last question about the people you paint, because soon enough it’ll be me on the wall.

      ROBERT

      I know. We’ll get started tomorrow. Were you sleeping?

      JAKE

      I was sleeping.

      ROBERT

      Till 3pm?

      JAKE

      A drunk sleep.

      ROBERT

      Oh. Did you go out?

      JAKE

      A drunk sex sleep.

      ROBERT

      Was she nice?

      JAKE

      Actually…

      JAKE realizes ROBERT’s sudden interest on the matter.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      …not even close. I’ve had better. You meet anyone last night?

      ROBERT

      No. I don’t think I would anyway. However, I think I want to see Liza more.

      JAKE

      Why?

      JAKE pours an opened beer into a glass, finds an asprin in the drawer, and puts it in.

      ROBERT

      I think something is developing between us.

      JAKE

      Cool. Cool. I think you’re in over your head though.

      ROBERT

      What do you mean?

      JAKE

      Do you really want the first woman you have feelings for to be a hooker?

      ROBERT

      An escort.

      JAKE

      Tomato, Tomahto. She’s too experienced for you.

      ROBERT

      I don’t mind.

      JAKE

      You will if you ever get in the sack with her. A woman like that doesn’t feel anything unless it’s rough, and I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.

      ROBERT

      You think that’s true?

      JAKE

      Well…I don’t really know. Don’t worry about it. She’ll get bored with you soon, since you two aren’t doing it.

      ROBERT

      I don’t know if that’s completely true.

      Beat.

      JAKE

      You slept with her?

      ROBERT

      No.

      JAKE

      Good.

      JAKE refills the glass.

      ROBERT

      We kissed.

      JAKE

      I already know about that.

      ROBERT

      No, I kissed her.

      JAKE sets the glass down.

      JAKE

      You did?

      ROBERT

      Yes. I wanted it so much, and I finally gave in.

      JAKE

      How long ago was this?

      ROBERT

      A while ago.

      JAKE

      …Way to go, man! Right on.

      ROBERT

      It felt so good too. It was like a weight was lifted off me, and I could finally experience what everyone had been talking about.

      JAKE

      Get you hot?

      ROBERT

      Yeah, I was a little warm, but I felt okay.

      JAKE

      No…I mean did she turn you on.

      ROBERT

      I didn’t think of it that way. It was special.

      JAKE

      You take things way too seriously.

      ROBERT

      I’m going to see if she’ll go to a restaurant with me tomorrow night.

      JAKE

      You mean…out in public?

      ROBERT

      Yes.

      JAKE

      That’s a date, Robert. You know that’s a date, right? Even if you have to pay for her to go.

      ROBERT

      I’m okay with that. When I’m with her, I feel comfortable with myself. I haven’t felt that way since…well, in a very long time. I like feeling this way. I like being with her.

      JAKE paces around the room.

      ROBERT (CONT.)

      What’s the matter?

      JAKE

      You shouldn’t hang out with Liza anymore.

      ROBERT

      I plan to.

      JAKE

      But she’s a hooker!

      ROBERT

      Yes, I called her number on the flier, just like you told me to.

      JAKE

      Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d fall for her. I should have known that was a stupid idea.

      ROBERT

      I like her.

      JAKE

      No you don’t.

      ROBERT

      Yes, I do.

      JAKE

      No, you don’t! You think you do, because she pays you attention. Any woman would do that for the right price.

      ROBERT

      She hasn’t charged me the last two times she was here.

      JAKE

      What?

      ROBERT shakes his head.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      But you started out paying her. She probably feels guilty for stealing your money.

      ROBERT

      …possibly.

      JAKE rubs ROBERT’s back, who doesn’t jump away this time.

      JAKE

      Hey, heyyyyy. Don’t feel bad. This is my fault, and I’ll make it better. You come with me to a barhopping, and I’ll show you all the tricks of the trade I know.

      ROBERT

      I don’t think I can do that.

      JAKE

      I promise not to take home a woman unless you do. That way, you’re not left out in the cold.

      ROBERT

      But—

      JAKE

      --In fact, we won’t even pick up women tonight. Think of it. You and me in a bar having a good old time. Hell, I’ll even dance with you if I get drunk enough. What do you say?

      Beat.

      ROBERT

      Okay.

      JAKE

      You sure?

      ROBERT

      Yes. I’d love to spend tonight with you.

      JAKE

      Awesome. Let me get dressed and we’ll head out right now.

      ROBERT

      I’ll change too.

      JAKE

      Why? This is the best dressed I’ve ever seen you. You’re looking good.

      JAKE goes into the bedroom. ROBERT tries to calm down, but the excitement of going to bars with JAKE and no women is too much. JAKE enters with a nice shirt on and pants in HIS hand.

      JAKE (CONT.)

      Man, we’re going to tear this city up!

      JAKE feels something in his pants and pulls it out. It’s LIZA’s sash that SHE always wears. JAKE smiles as HE remembers how it got there. ROBERT sees it, and JAKE covertly tries to put it in a pocket.

      ROBERT

      That’s Liza’s.

      JAKE

      Nah, you’re dreaming.

      ROBERT

      That’s Liza’s.

      JAKE

      Whatever, let’s go.

      JAKE walks past ROBERT, but ROBERT pulls the sash out of JAKE’s pocket.

      JAKE

      What the hell-

      ROBERT

      -This is Liza’s! How do you have it?

      JAKE

      She…must have left it here from last time.

      ROBERT

      That excuse would have worked if I didn’t just pull this out of your pants, Jake.

      JAKE

      This place is messy. I don’t know how it got there.

      ROBERT looks back in the bedroom.

      ROBERT

      She was here last night, wasn’t she?

      JAKE

      Robert—

      ROBERT

      --Stop lying!

      JAKE

      Alright, fine! Yeah, she was here earlier, and we screwed until the bed fell apart. There, you happy?

      ROBERT drops the sash.

      ROBERT

      Why?

      JAKE

      She’s a hooker.

      ROBERT

      Why her?

      JAKE

      It was the right asking price.

      ROBERT

      Why her? Why here, and why her, and why you?

      JAKE

      Because…I’m into her. She’s hot, she’s sassy, and knows how to piss
    me off in all the right ways.

      ROBERT

      But why her? You know I wanted her.

      JAKE

      No one owns a woman like that. They sell sex by the pound, wash up, and then go back on the street for more.

      ROBERT

      Shut up.

      JAKE

      It’s not like she wasn’t screwing with five other guys a day. Why is it a problem that I had my ride too?

      ROBERT

      Shut up!

      JAKE

      You need to start realizing how the world works.

      ROBERT grabs JAKE’s shoulders.

      ROBERT

      I said shut up.

      JAKE

      What are you going to do about it?

      ROBERT

      I’ll…

      JAKE

      …what, Robert? You’ll do what? I want to know exactly what you’re going-

      ROBERT pulls JAKE in and kisses him. JAKE takes a moment before HE pulls away.

      Beat.

      JAKE rubs HIS lips, looks at ROBERT,

      JAKE

      You kissed me.

      ROBERT

      I know.

      JAKE

      Why?

     

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